Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Truth Lies and Poetry

My partner mentioned that he didn't know the name of my blog.

"Don't you ever read it?" I asked.
"No." he answered as if any other answer should have been unexpected.
"You read the post about my horrible ER visit, didn't you?"
"Well, yeah because you asked me to, but really I was like; I was there, why do I have to read about it?"
Sensing the cold radiating from my emotionless face he went on to explain further.
"Listen, I'm not good at the reading thing. Remember all those poems you wrote me when we first got together?"
I did remember them, fondly. All that new love poured out onto the screen and sent immediately to his inbox. He told me his favourite lines, that he liked that I sent them to him...
"-Well they could have been shit for all I know."
Pure silence, I mean even the crickets shut-the-fuck-up. I can't remember the rest of his explanation, something about "not getting it"

Have I ever mentioned that my partner and I write music together? That I sit and listen to him play the same thing over and over again until he's got it just right and cheer him on? That my poetry that "could be shit for all he knows" becomes the lyrics. Every song I had ever written lyrics for that he had said he liked... You all know where this is going.

So, it started with a little bit of an act, "ooooh I like your poetry" (which really was probably like oooh I like you in your tight jeans and you're sending me poetry about water that sounds like it might be dirty, so I better act like I like it cause I don't want you to think I'm stupid) Turns into a full blown "Yeah that's great we should definitely make that into a song..." Then into "Amber writes the lyrics but I write the music..." which I used to believe was pride in me but now I'm thinking it was more about avoiding embarrassment on his part.

Should he have kept up the facade? Should he have remained dishonest? Should I tell him I wrote a blog about him? Will he read it then? Is that a bad reason to tell someone you wrote a blog about them?

I am feeling hurt by his dishonesty and I no longer write him poetry or lyrics. The question I've got to ask, was it because I gauged how good I was on his response to my poetry and now I lack confidence? Is it because writing lyrics reminds me of the lie I used to believe? Is it out of spite and punishment and now he's got to come up with his own damn lyrics?

I think it's a bit of everything all thrown into one garbage can overflowing with crumpled up half finished "You lied about liking my poems" poems.