Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Big Girl Panties

I went for my follow up for the sleep study expecting to be pressured into purchasing an oxygen machine for apnea.  I even practised in my head how I would tell him that I was going to  take stress reduction courses before I purchased one to see if that would help. That is not what happened at all.

According to my sleep study, my sleep was good, I had REM when I was suppose to, deep sleep when I was suppose to,  I slept for a great amount of time, I moved my legs around quite a bit (but that probably has something to do with my pain) and I had very mild apnea otherwise he said I had a great night of sleep. The day tests however were concerning, day tests mean you get up for an hour and a half then sleep for 20-30 minutes, rinse repeat 3 more times, apparently I fell asleep in less than 5 mins or so each time and stayed asleep until woken.  That is very rare, especially in someone who recieved a good night's sleep.  The Dr. thinks that there must be something wrong in order for me to be that tired, he noted my extremely low iron and that, that may cause some of it.  I talked to him about prolactin levels at night being higher and that I have begun lactating, does that mean anything to him as a sleep expert?  He said "yes, it does." Turns out he was one of the main researchers that discovered that prolactin levels were higher at night (this is cool to someone who gives breastfeeding support).  As such, he said he wanted to be the one to test for my prolactin levels, at night.  He is concerned that the problem is in my brain, he asked if they have set me up for an MRI, I said "No."  He said that he believed that the problem is central, that he will go for the more invasive proceadure if it means getting the answers sooner. He dictated a letter to my NP stating that he wanted to do a night-long prolactin level test, that he recomends that I go see an endocrinologist asap, and suggested an MRI.  I'm pretty sure I know what he is talking about, he's concerned I may have a tumour on my pituitary gland, these tumours can grow and shrink and release hormones like prolactin.  They can also put pressure on other parts of my brain and cause other symptoms that are not hormone related. These tumours respond well to oral medication and rarely need surgery or radiation treatment.  He was vague though, in his explanation, which could have something to do with my kiddos who were sitting on the floor doing word searches.

Never walk in to a Dr.s office expecting something, it's like a slap in the face when it's not what you think it is.

Today is the day that I have to call and make my ultrasound and mamagram appointments and I'm really not feeling it.  I feel like once I commit to these tests I am admitting that this may be more than low iron and a pain disorder.  I don't want to do that.  I don't want to make the calls alone.  I want to be strong, it's easier to look strong and to sound strong when there is someone in the room watching me.  My children make me strong, Scott makes me strong, I want to be positive for them.  I'm so tired I'm finding it hard to be positive just for myself.

Truth of it is, it's time to put on my big girl panties. I don't even know if there is a tumour. I recognize that it is good to admit that I have fears and to not supress them. It's okay to admit that, yes, I'm tired. I know it's time to get this stuff done.  Knowing that you are reading this is another way I stay strong, you are my witnesses, I find positive things to think and write because of you, I look for lessons so that I can pass them on, so that this whole experience isn't for nothing.  So, thank you for being my sounding board, my support and my friends.