Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Waiting

So here's an update, it's been a while, as there has been much emotional turmoil over the last couple of months and I did not want to stir the pot because I was still really upset.  We have lost the support of some of Scott's family during my illness.  There have been accusations that I am only with him because I need his money to support me while I'm sick.  I am no longer hurt by these accusations because I know that they are coming from a place of negativity and fear and not reality.  My family has rallied around us, my mother drives from Mississauga to give us a hand or to watch the kiddos during my tests, Scott's father and step mother as well as uncle remain supportive and offer to watch the children for last-minute appointments and hospital visits. My sister, whom I had a falling out with a few years ago, called and has become a great listener and supporter during this time.   People are contacting me and Scott to offer any support they can, I find myself overwhelmed and tear-full at their generosity and genuine care.  Someone offered to exchange their MRI appointment with mine so that I could get mine sooner, it wasn't possible, but just the fact that she was willing to do that shows me the beauty and kindness that exists in this world.

The reality is this, I have developed tremors.  My tremors are the worst in my knees, they get so bad at times that I cannot walk, my cane barely holds me up.  I can no longer shower (even with assistance) because the tremor takes over my whole body, I lose the ability to control the majority of my muscles and I collapse.  I have begun to have involuntary movements or tics.  From small eye twitches to full out leg kicks. I am losing control of my body, quickly.

I went into the nurse practitioner's office and she called and pushed for a sooner MRI.  I went to the sleep specialist and he agreed an MRI must be moved up and promised to get me a closer appointment with a neurologist (mine was set for April).  So within 5 hours, between the two of them, I got an MRI the next morning and they are getting me an appointment with a Toronto neurologist.  For which I am grateful really, but knowing that I should be feeling relief, I'm feeling fear.  Things didn't seem so worrisome when we were taking our time, just checking things out.  Now we are rushing, there's this feeling of there not being enough time.

During my appointment with my RNP, she asked me: "What are your main concerns?"  I told her what I had told Scott while crying in his arms a few nights before: "I am scared that I am going to lose my ability to walk, already I am having a hard time.  The winter will come and  I will be stuck in the house, I have stairs up to my front door and a hill that will be impossible for me to get down.  I'm losing my freedom."

You see, I always thought that you lose what you take for granted, that it was the karma or the lesson that you were meant to learn in that life.  I felt so cheated, so angry because it wasn't fair. I never took walking for granted, I LOVE walking, running and swimming.  I didn't get my licence and I was happy to walk everywhere.  People would ask me which part of my body I liked best and I always said "My legs, they take me where ever I need to go."  I don't need this to be taken away to learn to cherish it, I already do.  I see now that I had programmed myself to believe in this pattern, I have forgotten that God/Universe works in mysterious ways that to my little human mind will still be perceived as chaos.

Yesterday they messed-up and I had to go in twice for the MRI, which is fine, mistakes happen.  We got to stop by Micheals and grab Solstice craft stuff, so no complaints there.  The Radiologist said they would get the info to my nurse practitioner today.  So now I get a horrible rush of butterflies every time the phone rings. I usually rely on my positive thinking to get me through times like this.  But here's the deal, if they find nothing it means that they don't know what's wrong and we can't start treating it.  If they find something, that means
there is something wrong...with my brain.  It's kind of a sensitive organ to be messing around with, being that it controls ummm.....everything.

So though I'm not necessarily believing in the idea of direct karma anymore, I still believe that every life experience has a lesson.  My current lesson is this: Learning to just let the future be.  I do not need to manipulate my emotions by thinking either negatively or positively about a possible outcome.  I shall feel what I feel when I feel it and be okay with that and let it pass.

Thanks for lending me your eyes and ears. I'll keep you updated.