Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Grieving: sometimes you should not just get back on the horse.

Been waking up with the rising sun (son), as they both seem to rise at the same time. There is always that time in the morning for me, where my eyes open and I realize where I am in my life; Scott is gone. I am in BC with the kids.  I am hoping that by the end of the trip, the "Scott is gone." Portion will no longer be my first thought.  It no longer causes that gut ripping feeling, but some of the memories that follow leave a vague sadness, which of course I try to chase off with "but look, now you can travel the way you always wanted to." and finally the overwhelming need for coffee and the inevitable question of "how am I going to find a coffee shop with wifi?"

The Ferry trip has been one of my favourite aspects so far.  Funny how with my motion sickness was one of the most dreaded aspects a few weeks ago.  Lesson: don't let a couple of bad experiences with boats stop you from getting on the next one, it could be one of the most beautiful experiences of your life... Well, well... I don't think I like where this metaphor is pointing.

At the end of a relationship, I always want to jump back on the horse.  I look for the positive, "Now I am free to meet new people, go on exciting dates (where someone will make me feel special and wanted, whispers a part of myself that I am desperately trying to block out) share things with new people, enjoy making out with someone new..."  I did go on a few dates.  However some deepened my connection as friends, some seemed to go nowhere and 3 with one man in particular made me feel feelings that scared me.  I realized I wanted more than he could give me at that time.  I tried to convince myself that it was just the physical aspect of a relationship that I was craving, that what I wanted was a type of relationship, that it wasn't specific to him.  I stopped seeing him and the need or want for regular dates and a sexual relationship vanished.  I've stopped dating altogether now.  I don't regret my decision to stop seeing him, in fact, now I am free to grieve without guilt.  Grieving an old partner or family while with a new one is cruel to everyone in that relationship.

Ah, boat metaphor, see where you have taken me? My daughter is awake and now it is time for me to focus on the now, with some serious cuddles.