Monday, November 16, 2015

BEST SURPRISE EVER

I woke up and decided to start a ritual where I list in writing or typing things that I am grateful for.  One of which was that my snot was no longer dark green, which means I'm getting over this cold.  Other list items included my kiddos, getting a new job and friends who help me clear out my storage compartment.

Now filling my storage compartment, I was full of anxiety, fear, guilt and I rushed through it as quickly as possible.  I since have noticed that moving boxes or going through them had give me anxiety, flashing back to trying to pack the house while keeping it spotless, taking care of two kids, trying to figure out how to move boxes around with one arm that kept going limp and vertigo that sent me crashing into walls.  Eventually I gave up, emotionally it became too painful to keep packing my stuff,  there were often arguments with my ex after each packing session, so I figured I'd leave whatever was in the house in the house, if he wanted to pack it and get rid of it he would, if he wanted to pack it and give it to me he would.  Either way, being in that house packing up the last bits of my stuff was too hard to bear.  My mental health was more important than "things".

Flash forward to my roommate moving in, I had so many flashbacks to the anxiety of moving out of my house with Scott, that I hid in my room the majority of the time (I'm sure the fact I was 3 days from my period had something to do with that as well).

So this morning I centered myself.  I breathed deep, did a full body scan, and gave myself permission to feel anything I was going to feel without judgement.  It seemed to work.  Though I was a bit absent minded at first, I did very well.

Now, that said, my meditation is just a small part of this.  Mostly it was the support of the women around me that kept my spirit light.  Two awesome people, nonjudgmental, caring and strong were by my side.  We even took a side trip to see one friend's home.  Which was peaceful and inspiring.  Just what I needed.

I carried over 15 containers and boxes up a flight of twisted stairs.  The least weighing 10 pounds, some weighing 35-40 (I do love my books). I did it joyfully and told my body "I love you" repeatedly and laughed sat the ease of it.  We'll see who's laughing in the morning though.

I went through a few of these containers and one had quite the surprise.  Every year after Christmas Scott and I would go into Christmas Thyme and I would buy some of next year's gifts. I had forgotten this.  So, inside was a Christmas Thyme bag with 3 gifts for each of my kids in it.  I started to cry so hard, I actually fell on my knees and bawled right there on the kitchen floor.  Though we are so much happier living where we are without my ex, there's no denying that we have had to tighten our belts financially.  I was worried that this Solstice they would feel the loss of him more, like the visible decrease in gifts would make them feel sadness about leaving, that I alone could not provide the same joy as I could with him.   Now, with my spending budget, There will be close to the same amount of gifts as they have always had.  I didn't ruin Solstice by leaving.

So to add to my list of what I am grateful for, I am grateful for finding those gifts today.