Monday, December 28, 2015

I think this is what forgiveness feels like

So I recieved some info about my ex's actions at the end of our relationship that left me feeling hurt and very angry.  I wrote so many blog posts and erased them.  I knew I wasn't working through my pain in my writing, I was building it up like a bonfire.  Believe it or not, there are many things that I leave out, details I do not share.  There is a line between sharing emotional growth through experience and exacting revenge. That line can be found in your emotions when you are writing. I never purposely post something I wrote in anger.  blogging was not working for me so I headed to Facebook and started a status.  I wrote and erased repeatedly. What am I suppose to be learning from this situation? I asked myself.  Because what I really wanted to do was expose his hurtful actions, But I knew that was an awful thing to do, then I thought: It's pain that is making me want to lash out like this.  Suddenly I knew exactly what lesson today had to bring and I wrote it as a status:

I'm beginning to see what emotional pain can cause people to do.  Those in severe pain will use whatever means necessary to escape it, even if it hurts the people they love.  Blame is often thought of as the cure for the horrible pain of guilt. Acceptance  and self forgiveness is the only long lasting relief.  May all of you in pain find solace.  May the incessant loneliness that haunts you be replaced with the knowledge that you are not alone.  May you see that you have an inherent goodness that cannot be blemished by any act. May you look into the sky and realize that you are the product of millions of years of serendipitous reactions and mutations, or to put it in simpler terms: a miracle.

Looking back on our whole relationship from this mindframe, it makes so much sense.  I no longer take on anything he did to us as a measure of our worth to him.  Every hurtful word, every manipulation it all came from pain.  Over time my reactions came from pain as well. Towards the end,  I began to come from a space of love for myself and my children, I didn't want pain/fear of pain to rule my decisions anymore. I can't imagine how horrible he must have felt knowing that we were willing to face the risk of homelessness and poverty rather than continue to live with him.  I still stand by all my decisions to enforce no contact, however, I think this is what forgiveness feels like.

Compassion, compassion was the real last lesson.