Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Years

Sometimes when I read some romantic meme on Facebook, I forget that I have chosen to be single this New Years.   Sometimes I miss... I was going to name all this stuff about cuddling and sharing experiences but I get all that from my kids and friends,when really, I miss sex.  I miss the connection, the oneness that enfolds myself and my lover.  That's what I miss.   But I do not want another relationship where the main thing that holds it together, despite many flaws, is sexual attraction. Not to say there weren't other good parts of the relationship, but I know now that I was having more make-up sex then I love you sex, and that was a problem.

I have called it being picky, but really, it is about feeling that I have not healed enough from my last relationship, so I'm scared of the next one. I do not want to invest years of my life into something unhealthy and damaging.  How fair would it be to my next partner, if I brought my damage with me? All my pain and fear?  I know what it's like to have to hold up someone who has not dealt with their own pain (this is a pattern in my relationships, I am totally Ms. fix it) it was draining to me and disempowering to my lovers as well.

So I read this meme about how there are 45 days until Valentines and I will probably not have anyone to kiss then either, and a little part of me said, hmmmm, maybe there will be someone to kiss.

I have hope, I have hope because I have been growing in leaps and bounds since my last relationship. I feel happier, more confident, healthier and free.  Who knows, I might just feel like I got all my shit together enough to put myself out there in the dating scene.

Or I may just stay home, order chinese and try not to slop it all over the Terry Pratchett novel I'll be reading on the couch.  Either way, win/win.