Today was the first time I thought back to my relationship with my ex and truly felt it was A while ago, that realization of wow those 5 and a half years really flew by. It really felt like a chunk of the past, something completely separate from my now. Maybe the term I am looking for is compartmentalized. It felt so freeing.
I dreamt last night that I saw crazy waves in the ocean, (the images curtesy of lake Eerie Facebook photos I'm sure) they were watched from afar though. I felt no fear of them. I just let them be, I turned and let that ocean be exactly what it wanted to be as I walked away. The waves would no longer overtake me, I was in no danger of drowning. I can see now, that I am not responsible for my ex's choices, feelings or where he is in life right now. I was feeling so much guilt, but then I realized, just like me, he made the choices he thought were best for him. He is where he is because of his choices just like I am where I am because of mine. We did not make these choices for eachother. I can't believe how long it took me to step out of that mind frame. But I am so glad I did.
I've come to realize that my guilt was the result of an overestimation of how much power I truly have over another's choices and actions...
I guess I was done learning lessons analyzing my past, now onto the lessons from analyzing my "now".