Saturday, December 19, 2015

Time Flew By

Today was the first time I thought back to my relationship with my ex and truly felt it was A while ago, that realization of wow those 5 and a half years really flew by.   It really felt like a chunk of the past, something completely separate from my now.  Maybe the term I am looking for is compartmentalized.  It felt so freeing.  

I dreamt last night that I saw crazy waves in the ocean, (the images curtesy of lake Eerie Facebook photos I'm sure) they were watched from afar though.  I felt no fear of them.  I just let them be, I turned and let that ocean be exactly what it wanted to be as I walked away.  The waves would no longer overtake me, I was in no danger of drowning.  I can see now, that I am not responsible for my ex's choices, feelings or where he is in life right now.  I was feeling so much guilt, but then I realized, just like me, he made the choices he thought were best for him.  He is where he is because of his choices just like I am where I am because of mine.  We did not make these choices for eachother.  I can't believe how long it took me to step out of that mind frame.  But I am so glad I did.

I've come to realize that my guilt was the result of an overestimation of how much power I truly have over another's choices and actions...

I guess I was done learning lessons analyzing my past, now onto the lessons from analyzing my "now".