Saturday, December 26, 2015

Writing, Addiction and Joy

So I was out tonight enjoying a half pint and live music, but something else was calling me... I wanted to write.  I write while I'm out quite often.  But I wanted in my bedroom quiet time writing.  Like when I was a kid and I'd put on pink Floyd and just escape into my own world for hours.  I loved writing, I could create any world I wanted and step right into it.  It was beyond magical.  It was god-like.

Journaling has been a fantastic tool for self discovery and growth.  But maybe I am ready to move back into my fiction. Write everyday, I kept reading in books.  I believed it in theory, but here I am moving forward.  When I was 18 I thought I lost my ability to write stories for good.

I had a crystal meth addiction as a young adult. I wrote extensively high as a kite.  I often got great marks in my creative writing course as well.  Problem is this: drugs give to you creatively, don't let anyone tell you differently, but when you quit... They take.  They take what they gave and then they take everything else.  Any scrap of talent you had, gone. I gained my weight back, I caught up on my sleep after weeks of being awake, but no matter how hard I tried my plots fell flat, my characters lacked substance.  Your brain builds new synapsis when you repeatedly do a task while high, the problem is the synapsis that allowed you to complete those tasks sober, they whither and die.

Imagine quitting a drug and one of your main coping mechanisms (your art) is no longer there for you.  People wonder why musicians often return to their addictions, this is why.  Ever seen a newly sober musician struggle on stage, this is why.  To quit your drug can essentially mean quitting  your  career and letting go of what has defined you for years.

So after years of here and there writing in the form of lyrics and poems, I moved into journaling and now for the next stage, my fiction.

I never could have rediscovered my passion and talent without the insane amount of loss and pain I suffered at the beginning of this year.

Thank you all for being with me on this journey. Thank you all for your support.  I am living my joy again.  I am whole.