Friday, August 7, 2015

Saving My Life by Being Reckless and Impulsive

For years I felt trapped.  If you are an adventurer at heart, when choosing to be in a relationship, you must find someone who shares your lack of fear trying new things and a love of meeting new people. I have always fallen in love easily, as I generally see every human being as beautiful.  However time has taught me that being in love with someone does not mean you will thrive as an individual in a relationship with them.  I will still love many people, but in order for them to be in my life on a regular basis, I must feel that we are able to compliment each other's passions.  My illness pointed this out to me, in a brutal, but necessary, way.

I had taken for granted that I could plan grandiose road trips whenever I wanted.  That getting in a car  and travelling across the country was just a matter of saving a couple hundred dollars and a trip to the Bulk Barn.  Then my debilitating illness hit, and soon the idea of sitting still for hours at a time was a pipe dream.  My migraines could last for days, days of me being in bed vomiting.  My hips would seize if I was still for too long, my legs would give out if I was on them for longer than 20 minutes at a time.  My oh so easy dream of travel with my kids, the one that I always put off as: I can always do it next year... Well it was taken from me.  I remember crying so hard when I thought that my travelling days were over.  I felt as if my body had aged 50 years in 1 and now my dreams and passions would never be realized.  My children would not see the world with me, I wouldn't be able to share one of my most cherished life activities with the people I cherished most.

Well, my symptoms are rapidly disappearing and never again will I put off travel.  I am broke, but checks are in the mail.  Soon, I will be able to support myself without the use of a credit card.  Part of me is yelling: Don't do it!  Think of the interest!  The guilt ridden part of me keeps showing me images of the checks my parents wrote for me when I moved into the shelter and needed first and last months rent to get out.  However, flashing back to that moment in bed sobbing fully accepting my limitations, fully accepting that a part of my life had been taken from me and I would never get it back. That is what has me going to the greyhound site and whipping out my credit card.  Life can be taken from you in many ways very suddenly.  I had forgotten that, most of the joy I found in life many years ago was from that very knowledge.

So, I am getting on that Greyhound bus in September with kids in tow and a bag of snacks from the Bulk Barn and out those bus windows, the kids and I will, for the first time, see mountains in real life.