Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Ownership

In my dream I looked in the mirror and wiped off my make up, huge black eyes of  shadow, but underneath it all, one of my eyes was swelling shut from being hit.  I wonder if this is symbolic of my writing my blog.  I use pretty words to make my injuries look the way I want, but when I wipe them away, the ugly truth is there.  Writing about a scenario gives me a certain power over it, I can paint over the spots I don't like in myself. I can't pretend anymore that my pain doesn't affect how I see things, that I am unable to let all the light in.  If you could really see my damage, how ugly I have become, you would see that I squint at every scenario looking for how I could get hurt. I push away my male friends in fear that they are being disingenuous.

I tried to give my life meaning by fixing the people around me.  If you were in pain I would want to love your pain away.  Which works for a while, but when (inevitably) it begins to fail, I ask myself, why can't I make this person happy?  Then I would focus on helping them make themselves happy.  I needed to realize their happiness was never my responsibility.  If someone is unkind to me because of their pain, it is not my duty to help them through it, it's not my journey.  Happiness is an inside job, I could believe that for myself, but I could not apply it to how I interacted with others, especially those I loved.  I enabled hurtfull behaviour to continue,  I actively participated  in a situation where resentment blossoms.  My heart needed the relationship to work out, I had planted my hopes and dreams of the future in it.  I fell in love with it's potential.  Which is why I lived in the future... The now was a mess still, but one day, when the person was happy, everything was going to be great.  I sacrificed my own happiness, security and health trying to accomplish the impossible.

It is impossible to make someone else genuinely happy.  Now I have to see how this affects my parenting as well, am I giving them tools to build and maintain their own happiness? Or am I teaching them to rely on outside sources?

I went back to sleep after that first dream: I swam with dolphins, flew through the air and chanted Om until my chest vibrated and I awoke with it buzzing.