Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Lost Time

Making up for lost time with my kids. Not just for the 6 days they spent with their father over the holidays, but for all that time I spent in bed or on the couch in pain.  I could do the necessities of feeding, supervising and teaching, however all of these were modified to work with my illness.  I did not have as much patience as I would have liked.  I remember when my whole body felt bruised and my children could barely hug me.  They would climb into bed to cuddle and I would cringe, a careless movement with elbow or a knee could and did cause me to cry out in pain, then cry in sadness because I missed their closeness.

Carpe Diem,  yes and I make sure that I still get daily rest.  I spend some time reading or writing on my own.  But we go on walks together, do math together and learn grammar together.  We watch YouTube videos from the space station, read and pray together every night in bed.  Sometimes we have sleepovers where we literally draw on eachother's backs using washable markers.  I have been helping them build their Lego mansion and joining in on science experiments like what happens to a balloon when you leave it outside in the cold overnight?  What happens when you bring it back in?  I want to be able to describe how I feel in a word: warm.  It's not an overwhelming joy, but more like a "all is as it should be and I have a hot cocoa." -kind of feeling.

For a long time my life was full of joyous heights, then hellish lows.  Peace... A feeling of home and security, it didn't exist.  I tried everything I could think of to make it feel like a home, but home is in your heart and if your heart can't be at peace then you simply will feel out of place all the time. No amount of passion in a relationship can make up for a lack of a home.  If you cannot plant roots you are going to wither and die and that was exactly what was happening to me.  I had nowhere to recharge, nowhere to be vulnerable so I felt vulnerable everywhere.

I have been given a valuable lesson in how an environment of instability can affect even the strongest of adults, so I can understand better the adults who grew up with this constant instability.  It makes me sad.  So I'm putting energy into our relationship as a family.  I am helping them build homes in their hearts to carry with them wherever they go.  A strong sense of self worth as a roof and healthy boundaries, like walls to help keep out unwanted negativity.

Home is where the heart is.

I always thought that meant, home was where the people you loved were.  But now I see it's less metaphorical than that, or maybe just a little backwards:

Heart is where the home is.