I do nightly guided meditations. Usually I choose the ten minute body scan, but tonight I tried something different; a guided healing meditation. I like the ones with waves in the background and guys with British or Australian accents, but I digress. This one used the imagery of white light moving up through the body. I'm not good at visualizing, but I tried my best. When the light reached my head it asked me to give my negative thoughts to the white light and watch them dissolve. This is when I began to struggle with the visualization. I didn't want to let go off my pain from my last relationship. "Why is this so hard?" I asked myself. Then I saw it: the pain is the only thing left that connects me to Scott. After that is gone, there will be nothing, no more connection. He will be gone, completely gone.
I haven't lived without him in my mind for 6 years. Whether it was negative or positive, he was always there in someway. I'm not sure what living without him in there will be like. Though I suppose it will be a lot like when I moved to the shelter, it'll be scary and sad at first but the absence will bring a sense of peace and freedom that I forgot could exist.
So tonight I gave my pain to the light. I let the hurt that I have been clutching to my chest drop away. Tears streamed down my face...
Then I sat bolt upright and frantically wiped them away because I thought my tears would soak my headphones and somehow cause an electrical short that would fry my brain. Is there are warning on headphones about that? Because there totally should be.
I know that the pain will revisit, but I also know that I don't need to hold on to it anymore, perhaps this meditation will be added to the rotation (even if there are no waves) because it certainly triggered
some much needed healing. You can't always get what you want.... Oh come on don't try to tell me you didn't just finish that sentence with the Rolling Stones.