Thursday, January 21, 2016

The Root

Lastnight a friend came over and we had a 2 and a half hour long conversation.  We discussed getting back into to dating scene after divorce/ending of a long committed relationship.  The more I spoke about it, the greater the anxiety in my chest.  I didn't realize how much fear I still held until this discussion. After he left I felt confused and drained.  I thought I had figure it all out, but now...

When you can find the root of your fear you can live free of it.  I fear I will lose myself.  I fear that I will fall in love, drop my boundaries and allow another unhealthy relationship to take over my life. In other words: I fear myself.

I fear that I can't trust my heart.  I keep trying to put it on others; this person may hurt me, that person may hurt me.  Really though, if I set my boundaries and listen to my intuition, this will not be the case.  I will simply recognize that those people are not for me, before I become too attached.

I need constant reminders for myself:
-I am strong and brave.
-I can leave any relationship, at any time. I'm never going to be so deep that I can't dig myself out.
-The chances of me ever getting hurt that badly again are extremely low.
-I can (and deserve to) have respectful relationships in all aspects of my life.  I will not allow for any relationship or communication that is otherwise.
-I recognize that my self worth is not based on keeping or making other people happy.

So goes my mantra, though I tend to write my mantras over and over again rather than say them aloud. Seeing it written down, I know it to be true.  I have nothing to fear, I am no longer the same woman who fell in love 6 years ago.  It's not about trusting others, it's about trusting myself.