Saturday, February 27, 2016

Facebook Posts and Lovers

I used to see my friends post on facebook, women I really looked up to (funny how I don't feel like I look up to any women anymore, but that's another blog post) I knew they were married/attached but they rarely shared anything about their significant other on Facebook.  Not many pictures, hardly any description of things they were doing together.  In fact most of the pics were of things they were doing all on their own or with friends. I remember wondering if their partners travelled a lot, or if maybe they distanced relationships with them and didn't share anything because they never did anything together.  Maybe, I thought, they are unhappy with their partners.  It never occurred to me, that they were happy, happy with themselves.  They were able to fill facebook with stuff just about them and what they were interested in because they created space in their lives for themselves.  I had hardly anything for myself. My life was so entwined with my partner's that almost every aspect involved him.  Only my doula work was mine, and even then I depended heavily on my partner for transportation and childcare to allow my business to keep afloat. It was when my health problems demanded that I make space for myself, that I began to realize how much of my time and energy was going to others.  It was also when I realized how unhealthy my relationship was.  There was always space made for my partner, but none for me.  There was literally an apartment across town he could go to to spend the night if he was feeling overwhelmed.  I had the bathroom.  Reading a full chapter of a book, in a different room without interruption was a pipe dream and this was after the kids went to bed.  I reached a point where I no longer needed a co-dependant relationship.  That, despite my illness that made me very physically dependant on my partner, I wanted to rediscover aspects of who I was outside of "mother" and "wife". I needed to become whole, a separate person, but still very much in love. Part of me knew this was the key to my recovery.  I needed to grow outside of the relationship.  This was around the time when everything began to fall apart (or at least very obviously fall apart)  This was not the unwritten contract we had been following for several years.  I can't speak for my ex, but I can imagine it was a rude awakening to have me erect boundaries around my time and physical space, that I never had before. 

So what does this have to do with facebook posts?  This is what: I get it now.  These women who rarely posted about their partners are whole, they have entire parts of their lives that are dedicated to themselves.  They are a part of a family, not the part that holds the family together.  They are pursuing interests outside of their partner's interests and they are encouraged to do so.  They have friends they go out with and share with.  They do not post all over their facebook profiles with lovey pictures and statuses because there's so much more to their lives then their romantic partners. The other night I was talking to a friend about being afraid of becoming too attached to the next person I dated.  I didn't want to lose myself.  Now that I've experienced what I have I don't think I will.  I like all the stuff I am doing.  I love my friends, my freedom, my new jam sessions.  I love who I am so much that I can't see myself ever giving this up.  I could fit a romantic interest into my life, but one will never become my life again.