What happened to that beautiful hopeful woman? Where is she? I told myself I would never be broken, that I would always start each day new. My strength was my ability to love, to be open, to not judge anyone before I got to know them. I thought my meditation, my communication, my compassion for others could see me through anything.
I judge everyone now. I have a few good days of freedom then a nightmare and I'm back to living in fear again. When will this be over? When will I feel safe again? I thought if I buried myself in work I would be occupied and the fear would go away. I know that I am not depressed because I am able to find genuine joy in many things. It's not generalized anxiety because I can try new things without fear. I answer my phone without hesitation now, I can go to the pub and be social with no nervousness. It is always around relationships with men and sex. I don't trust my heart. That's why I don't date, that's why I don't feel like I can be physically intimate with anyone. My heart just loves, it loves people in pain and people in pain love my heart. I keep making up these rules for myself, like I can't date someone while I want to date someone...??? That I can't be in pain and date. That I have to be completely healed before dating. But what if I can't completely heal because I'm scared of dating and refuse to face that fear?
I took a 20 minute break and prayed for guidance, my chest relaxed, my tears stopped and this is what my inner voice said to me:
Stop worrying. It will come. This won't last forever. I love you. You have learned, you have grown. Trust yourself. I love you. I love you. Go out, love being around people, do not expect anything else of yourself right now.