Friday, February 5, 2016

Little Talks

What was life like before all this fear?  What was it like to not fear love?  What was it like to be able to imagine making love to someone else without anxiety gripping my chest?  What was it like to trust that the next relationship would be better?  To not assume everyone will be filled with lies and anger? 

What happened to that beautiful hopeful woman?  Where is she? I told myself I would never be broken, that I would always start each day new.  My strength was my ability to love, to be open, to not judge anyone before I got to know them. I thought my meditation, my communication, my compassion for others could see me through anything.  

I judge everyone now.  I have a few good days of freedom then a nightmare and I'm back to living in fear again.  When will this be over?  When will I feel safe again?  I thought if I buried myself in work I would be occupied and the fear would go away.  I know that I am not depressed because I am able to find genuine joy in many things.  It's not generalized anxiety because I can try new things without fear. I answer my phone without hesitation now, I can go to the pub and be social with no nervousness.  It is always around relationships with men and sex.  I don't trust my heart.  That's why I don't date, that's why I don't feel like I can be physically intimate with anyone.  My heart just loves, it loves people in pain and people in pain love my heart.  I keep making up these rules for myself, like I can't date someone while I want to date someone...???  That I can't be in pain and date.  That I have to be completely healed before dating.  But what if I can't completely heal because I'm scared of dating and refuse to face that fear?

I took a 20 minute break and prayed for guidance, my chest relaxed, my tears stopped and this is what my inner voice said to me:

Dear Amber,

Stop worrying.  It will come.  This won't last forever.  I love you.  You have learned, you have grown.  Trust yourself.  I love you.  I love you.  Go out, love being around people, do not expect anything else of yourself right now.