Note: I wrote this yesterday, but didn't manage to finish it until today...
This morning was not a good morning. I got really angry with my kids. I yelled, again. They are not taking care of their homeschool supplies, they are dawdling when they should be finding their pencils, their room is a mess again, I was asking them repeatedly to do the same things over and over. I yelled at them that if they are going to make homeschooling difficult by not listening and acting as a team then we're not going to be able to do it anymore. Where did that come from? I asked myself. Expectations. Suddenly it has become so important that our homeschooling look perfect, our home look perfect... That the most important things are being lost, love, compassion and making learning fun.
I have been tense since CAS called about concerns that my children are not getting the education they need.
Though CAS decided that opening a file was not necessary, getting a call from them certainly does put one on edge. So anyways, it was too cold this morning to go grocery shopping, yesterday was not much better and I had to work. I baked protein muffins yesterday before work, so they would have the proper amount of protein and easy snacks. I still have some left today, but we are super low on fresh fruits and veggies, everything is frozen or canned. So this little voice in the back of my head says to me: what if CAS were to stop by today and look in my fridge? This morning we slept in together and cuddled, so they only got to do math and a bit of grammar before lunch then they dragged their feet and I got so angry with them... Or I thought it was with them. But my frustration was with this sudden feeling of constriction and scrutinization. I made choices based on knowing my children and my love of learning, now I feel like I'm being threatened, like someone is trying to control me by making my life difficult or at least trying to, if I don't conform to their wishes. I feel like my choices are now coming from fear. Not of CAS, but of who is calling them. I feel like I did last year before I moved to the shelter. This situation totally triggered me and my kids suffered for it. I can't wait to start the family counselling. I really want to be the best parent I can be. I also need to take responsibility for recognizing my fear and not living in it or perpetuating it. As I read back through this post... CAS is not going to take my kids away because I have frozen carrots,green
beans, strawberries and mangos rather than fresh, that the protein I have to offer is in nut and legume
form. It's okay that on a day most people wouldn't be doing math and grammar that we didn't get as much done of it that I would have liked. I'm attentive, I attend parenting workshops, various supportive groups and read parenting books. My kids eat healthy and are involved in various community events. No, their socks don't always match and sometimes my son hides his underwear then can't find them so then goes commando or wears long johns under his pants until I go to do laundry and call him on it. My kids have no problem coming to me when they are upset with something I've said or done and that says a lot about the love and trust in our relationship. So I have stepped out of this fear, but I'd like to learn more coping techniques to help me not get wrapped up in it, even if it is just for 24 hours.