Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Seemingly Coincidental Series of Events

So I see his name and from deep in my chest this explosion of fear spreads across my whole body. Then I hear a song that reminds me of him and I'm all like at least it isn't take me to church, which reminds me of him so much.  Then that's the next song.  All while I'm trying to figure out why I live in so much fear of him.  When I'm trying to look within and admit that the fear is of myself.  I fear I will love him when I see him, I fear I will forget all the hell I went through and want him back.  I fear that I won't love him but I will fall back into who I was, that suddenly I will be that insecure frightened girl again.  I fear the unknown.  All the while I try to tell myself: 

He can't hurt me without my permission.  
He can't hurt me without my permission.  
He can't hurt me without my permission.  

I need to solidify myself again.  I need to stand in my strength, it's been waning, I haven't been feeding myself in the ways I know I should.  

I asked to be able to call a healthy romantic relationship into my life.  I guess in order to do this, I have to face this part of my healing.  I need to believe in myself.  Because if I still fear He could make me lose myself again, what is to stop any other romantic partner from doing the same?

Bingo.

Thanks seemingly coincidental sequential series of events that completely ruined my appetite.  I get it now. Solidify, build my self worth.  Build it up so high that there is no question as to whether or not I will  ever accept that I deserve demeaning hurtful treatment. It has to be a resounding and confident "No."  That's when I'll be ready.