Tuesday, April 19, 2016

A year.

So it was in late April that I moved to the shelter.  As Spring swoops in around me, I can't help but look back, even just to compare the weather.  I remember the first day at the shelter with such vividness. I remember being so kind and gentle with myself, it was like a small part of me had been hidden away and allowed to re emerge when I felt safe.

Of Lambs and Lions

Looking Out the window
There are ducks on the pond
Ducks mate forever
A cruel reminder,
For those of us in the shelter.

Oh, God. I've fucked everything up.
He'll never forgive me
It's truly over
We'll never come back from this
Good.
No more going back,
This time he won't take you
Not after this.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
Why haven't I cried yet?
It's the adrenalin,
Let it carry you.
Did I make a huge mistake?

Replaying scary moment before realization and decision.

Remember how determined and brave you were?
Find that again.
Find that woman who told herself: No more.
Did you find her?
Yes.
Good.
Now, take your kids for a walk out the back way
So no one sees you coming from the shelter
Hold their little hands
Let them help you pick out flowers at the shop.
He was horrible at picking out flowers
Yes, yes he was.
He always gave me Gerber daisies.
They were his sister's favourite, not mine.
Now you can choose whichever ones you want.
I can, can't I?
Yes.
Put the bouquet in your window
And look at them
Instead of the ducks.