Some people come into your life to show you what you want, or more so, what you don't want. Lately there's been a desire to have a relationship but I couldn't seem to decide which kind. I want to be able to bring it into my reality, but I want to be concious of what I am looking for, so I can focus my energies on that. Since I put out there that I wanted a romantic relationship but without focus, there have been many opprotunities yet, none of them suited me. It was like life was saying: "You weren't specific so I just sent you a bunch of different things. Good luck with that."
As each different person came into and out of my romantic perspective, I gained knowledge of the things I really liked and the things that were not for me. Even awkward dates and let downs had their merits. I'm able to hone in more on what I want with every single one.
I decided a change of perspective was in order. I realized that I'm not looking for a person, I'm looking for a relationship. When you look for a person, it becomes possessive, you are willing to over-compromise to have a person stay in your life. Maybe accept a relationship type that part of you doesn't want. It becomes about building a relationship around keeping that person. Changing yourself to keep that person or expecting them to change (like you have) in order to keep you. Seems like a lot of work and a recipe for resentment.
I've had a recent conversations with friends about romantic/sexual relationships. They described aspects of their relationships (boundaries and the like) and how it works for them. I discussed my different types of relationships as well and through these conversations (mostly written in messages) I was able to really narrow my focus. I reminisced on the relationships in which I had the most fun, felt the most free and grew in many positive ways.
They were not "traditional" relationships.
In fact, they were very open, very independent and had no expectations what so ever. Some only lasted a couple of weeks, some months and some were on and off spread over several years. The common thing that made them work was mutual respect, and responsibilty. It was not up to my romantic partners to change for me, it was not up to them to follow rules I made. It was up to me to decide if I liked it as it was, if there was something they wanted from or in the relationship that I did not or vice versa we parted romantically. No blame, no anger. We are taught that good relationships are built on compromise. I think long relationships are built on compromise. How good the relationship is, is based on how much it doesn't feel like you are compromising on your wants and needs while you are in it.
So after a very long message with a friend the other night, I figured it out. The relationship type I am looking for is really just a series of very cool events shared and co-created with someone else along with physical intimacy where we are completely aware that our happiness is our own to maintain independently. So I'd like to share my gratitude to all my friends and dates (and both in some cases) who helped me get to this point. Now (to paraphrase Abraham Hicks) I'm going to manifest the shit outta this.