Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Self Compassion

3 days of a migraine later... I was fortunate enough to have caught it in the early stages.  By this I mean, when it was simply an aura and not painful yet.  I took my 4 painkillers, caffeinated drink and Gravol right away.  Then I kept up on my pain management regiment. So the pain didn't become too much.  However my migraines also bring on extreme exhaustion, slurred speech, confusion, limb weakness and by the 3rd day, extreme irritability.

The third day was awful.  I had no patience.  I needed a lot of personal space to just rest, and I got snappy when it was interrupted.  I also yelled after asking my son to clean up after himself for the third time.  I got way angrier, I gave the kids "the look." The look you get when you are about to blow up and you are just barely holding it in.  At one point my daughter was in tears, my son was in tears and I was in tears.  My children are not used to me yelling.  The yelling didn't  last long and was always immediately followed by apologies, hugs and breathing together coping techniques.  I had nightmares.  I felt horribly guilty. I felt like this was who I was as a parent and I was awful.  It's so easy to immerse oneself in this train of thought when you are tired.  All the excellent days of team work, good communication and patience disappeared from memory.

I woke up this morning headache free.  It was like a whole new world;  all bright and shiny.  I felt my mood drop for a moment when I remembered the day before.  Then something occurred to me: I was doing this on my own, most people have a partner to take on some of the responsibility of the kids, laundry, dishes when they are sick.  Yeah, I wasn't perfect by any means, but I recognized my actions and took responsibility for them. I also got them fed, bathed, kept them safe from harm and worked two shifts.  I needed to cut myself some slack. I wouldn't judge a friend in this position so harshly, why was I judging myself in this way?

Self compassion.  I'm getting it now.