Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Happiness vs Craziness

Over the last two months I have been joy filled.  Rarely am I sad or upset for longer than an hour, but it is more than that.  I feel like I am a miracle, correction: I know that I am a miracle.  I also know that all of you are too.  When I was a child, I talked to God all of the time.  We had a non stop conversation in my head.  By that, I mean that I spoke to God constantly and I could feel God listening, his (raised Catholic) presence was reassuring and calm.  Once I was having very strange stomache symptoms and they were looking into testing for me.  I was very scared, I prayed for a whole night for God to make it go away, to make everyone forget that I was sick.  "Please make this like it never happened, make it disappear."  It did.  Nothing was ever said or done about it again and the symptoms simply petered off. God and I were tight like that.  But time went on and I began to feel alienated from my creator.  As my sexual appetite increased, my shame of it caused me to end my open door policy with God.  There were thoughts I did not want God to have access to, so the distance grew between us.  I no longer believed that God would listen to my prayers, in fact, I wasn't even sure if God existed anymore.  Those were some very lonely times for me.  As a teenager I learned about mortality.  I began to meditate daily, I decided that I wanted to live a good and meaningful life.  I could feel my compassion growing, my connection to the Earth and my connection to living things. I did not equate this with God though.  To me, God was a person in the sky judging me and though I knew I was a good person, I grew to resent the thought of him.  I continued this belief system.  As my marriage, and later, engagement were crumbling around me, I never asked God for help.  I had myself, I was good enough.  There was however, a deep desire to recieve help.  I think that it was a subconscious call to God.  It was answered.  Everything I wanted or needed to make my transition smoother from my unhealthy relationship to freedom came to me.  I only needed to think, "I could really use a __________." And someone would offer me one within 24 hours. I began to really feel that someone was looking out for me.  I began to practise gratitude for these gifts, but still avoided the term "God" when referring to said force of love and protection.

Time went on, as did my healing.  I journaled, I blogged. As I did so answers came to me.  I was consulting a higher power and accessing it via written word.  I didn't recognize that at first. When I attempted to solve a problem by writing about it, thoughts came out of the blue, thoughts accompanied by a huge sense of relief, sometimes accompanied by a flood of tears.  Like when you're having a rough day/week/year and that one person shows you such kindness with a touch or a few words and suddenly you are a blubbering sobbing mess and you are grateful for the safe space they made for you to be exactly that.  So started my regular conversations with God. Via type. 

Through a series of small miracles and a good friend, who I have come to love dearly, my conversations with God moved beyond print and into thought.  For the first time I heard God's voice not as my own.  I contacted my friend, a little freaked out.  He laughed: "It has begun." He told me. Then he told me he calls it conversing with his higher self.

Since then all the shame that I felt about my thoughts has disappeared.  My open door policy has now become one of no door whatsoever.  Every thought I have now is considered a prayer.  God shares my entire existence with me.  From my silly thoughts and observations to my deepest desire to be free of certain fears, God listens.  Sometimes God even communicates in the form of coincidences, running into that one person who will give me the perspective necessary to heal from a wound that has been on my mind... A little nature made heart shape when I'm feeling unworthy... My prayers are answered on a regular basis.  Every thought is a prayer.  Every physical sensation has become an opportunity to revel in this world that has been created for us and therefore deepen my connection to God.

So society could look at this post and see someone who is manic.  They would see someone choosing to believe  in a fairy tale.  Being a Christian in our society, is more than acceptable, but being someone who openly admits that they talk to God and that God talks back... Well, let's not get carried away now.  That's bordering on a mental health issue.  I think that it's a sign of spiritual illness that our society discourages people from conversing with God.  God is suppose to be separate from man,
 I was taught as a child.  Only priests and prophets could speak to God,  I was merely a peasant and unworthy.  I must turn to the clergy and the Bible only for true spiritual guidance.  Despite my upbringing, I have realized that the church does not hold the patent on Devine communication. There is no monotheistic monopoly on God's guidance.

So here I am, living in the state of constant grace. I am not a mere optimist. I am blessed to be able to recognize this world and all that is in it as the amazing miracle that it is.