Time went on, as did my healing. I journaled, I blogged. As I did so answers came to me. I was consulting a higher power and accessing it via written word. I didn't recognize that at first. When I attempted to solve a problem by writing about it, thoughts came out of the blue, thoughts accompanied by a huge sense of relief, sometimes accompanied by a flood of tears. Like when you're having a rough day/week/year and that one person shows you such kindness with a touch or a few words and suddenly you are a blubbering sobbing mess and you are grateful for the safe space they made for you to be exactly that. So started my regular conversations with God. Via type.
Through a series of small miracles and a good friend, who I have come to love dearly, my conversations with God moved beyond print and into thought. For the first time I heard God's voice not as my own. I contacted my friend, a little freaked out. He laughed: "It has begun." He told me. Then he told me he calls it conversing with his higher self.
Since then all the shame that I felt about my thoughts has disappeared. My open door policy has now become one of no door whatsoever. Every thought I have now is considered a prayer. God shares my entire existence with me. From my silly thoughts and observations to my deepest desire to be free of certain fears, God listens. Sometimes God even communicates in the form of coincidences, running into that one person who will give me the perspective necessary to heal from a wound that has been on my mind... A little nature made heart shape when I'm feeling unworthy... My prayers are answered on a regular basis. Every thought is a prayer. Every physical sensation has become an opportunity to revel in this world that has been created for us and therefore deepen my connection to God.
So society could look at this post and see someone who is manic. They would see someone choosing to believe in a fairy tale. Being a Christian in our society, is more than acceptable, but being someone who openly admits that they talk to God and that God talks back... Well, let's not get carried away now. That's bordering on a mental health issue. I think that it's a sign of spiritual illness that our society discourages people from conversing with God. God is suppose to be separate from man,
I was taught as a child. Only priests and prophets could speak to God, I was merely a peasant and unworthy. I must turn to the clergy and the Bible only for true spiritual guidance. Despite my upbringing, I have realized that the church does not hold the patent on Devine communication. There is no monotheistic monopoly on God's guidance.
So here I am, living in the state of constant grace. I am not a mere optimist. I am blessed to be able to recognize this world and all that is in it as the amazing miracle that it is.