Tuesday, May 24, 2016

I am so full of shit

I talk so poetically about no longer feeling fear, then I turn the corner to walk into my favourite coffee shop and he is sitting in there.  I freeze, then I quickly retreat to where he can't see me.  My heart is in my chest, I tell the kids we can't go in there.  They know why. Then I pause, breath, and ask them if they would be comfortable waiting outside while I get my coffee.  This is my opportunity, I tell myself, to prove that I am safe in his presence.  The kids both shake their heads no. They are worried he may come out to talk to them.
"Okay, not today then." I say to them.  Then I take 15 steps and my knees start giving way,  just like last year before I left. I put out my hand and catch the flower bed to slow my fall.  
"This is crazy." I tell myself.  Then I wonder how I'm going to get home if this keeps up.  I consider sending the kids to the house to grab my cane. Then my eyes fill up with tears as I realize that my subconscience doesn't give a fuck if I have forgiven him.  Then my daughter puts her hand on my shoulder and tells me that everything is going to be okay.  I realize that there are bigger issues at hand here.  
"Yes, it is." I tell her.  Then I take 3 deep breaths stand up and walk 5 wobbly steps. The more I walk the more stable my knees become.  Then I list in my head all of the things I am grateful for in that moment.  I also begin to realize that my belief that fear impeeds compassion  has been disproven.  I still felt compassion for him, I was not angry, I did not replay past hurts.  Which is good, however my sure fast way of healing didn't quite go as planned.  Forgiveness is just a part of the healing process, not the whole of it.  On and off I have considered that I may have PTSD, I don't think there is any doubt now, however I noted how quickly I recovered from the shock and reminded myself that this will only get easier over time.  

So we went to the gellataria, Then to the docks.  I stripped down to my bikini walked right into the water, floated on my back and let the cold take me back to the now in a way that only Muskoka River water in May can. 

So, small steps.  I am glad that I saw him before I walked in.  This was a safe and gentle way for me to have him reintroduced into my life.  I can do this.