"Okay, not today then." I say to them. Then I take 15 steps and my knees start giving way, just like last year before I left. I put out my hand and catch the flower bed to slow my fall.
"This is crazy." I tell myself. Then I wonder how I'm going to get home if this keeps up. I consider sending the kids to the house to grab my cane. Then my eyes fill up with tears as I realize that my subconscience doesn't give a fuck if I have forgiven him. Then my daughter puts her hand on my shoulder and tells me that everything is going to be okay. I realize that there are bigger issues at hand here.
"Yes, it is." I tell her. Then I take 3 deep breaths stand up and walk 5 wobbly steps. The more I walk the more stable my knees become. Then I list in my head all of the things I am grateful for in that moment. I also begin to realize that my belief that fear impeeds compassion has been disproven. I still felt compassion for him, I was not angry, I did not replay past hurts. Which is good, however my sure fast way of healing didn't quite go as planned. Forgiveness is just a part of the healing process, not the whole of it. On and off I have considered that I may have PTSD, I don't think there is any doubt now, however I noted how quickly I recovered from the shock and reminded myself that this will only get easier over time.
So we went to the gellataria, Then to the docks. I stripped down to my bikini walked right into the water, floated on my back and let the cold take me back to the now in a way that only Muskoka River water in May can.
So, small steps. I am glad that I saw him before I walked in. This was a safe and gentle way for me to have him reintroduced into my life. I can do this.