Tuesday, July 5, 2016

All Good Things

I had exactly what I asked for.  I wanted a relationship in which commitment was impossible. I was so scared of getting attached, falling in love and having sex (in fact I actually doubted my ability to do any of these things) that I drew that into my life.  God brought someone to me who was perfect for me in so many ways and completely unable to offer anything dependable.  I learned a few things about myself through this:
1. My heart still works.
2. I really like "loving" people and doing small things for them.
3. I don't spend enough "me" time at the beginning of a new relationship.
4. I'm no longer scared of sex, in fact I'd very much like some. (This is not an invitation).
5. There are good men, who can talk through things and be incredibly understanding.
6. I can leave someone I am attached to if my relationship needs are not being met.

The last one is huge for me. One of the biggest fears of a person who has left a long term unhealthy relationship is that they will unknowingly get sucked into another and not be able to leave.  I'm not saying my last relationship was unhealthy, it (despite what I thought I wanted) just wasn't what I wanted and I could see myself becoming unhappy in it.  Rather than expecting/waiting for the other person to change, I decided to move forward on my own.  

It's been hard.  We get along very well.  I miss him.  

However, standing outside and watching my relationship habits unravel has been very eye opening.  I truly think that the next one will be all the better for what I have learned from this one.  I am grateful for the experience, which opened my heart up.  I couldn't have chosen a better person to join me in navigating my fears and insecurities of the first relationship after an unhealthy one.  I feel grateful and blessed for having had him in my life and look forward to our friendship once the ache has subsided.