But really I was just trying to find some sort of control, where there is no control.
I wanted a relationship in which I could have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend. The ultimate in non-commitment, and emotional and physical fulfillment.
But tonight I spoke with a beautiful and honest woman, and she described to me a relationship that was so perfect...
It seemed impossible. Everything she described spoke to my heart. It was what I wanted, but recently given up on. She was incredibly brave, she was willing to believe that was possible enough to desire it.
I didn't realize until now that I had given up on finding a beautiful meaningful relationship. That I was purposely just skimming the surface to avoid getting my heart broken....again.
I've experienced a few things of late that have proven to me that I am a hopeless romantic who finds sexual acts without love to be unfulfilling, perhaps even soul-damaging. That I really enjoy being in love. I fall fast and I fall hard. I love giving and receiving affection and gifts. I love showing someone that I love them and I need someone who wants to be loved. Why do I feel like these are bad things? Why do I feel like wanting this is foolish? So many people that I know are looking for the opposite, so many people preaching non-attachment and taking it slow. After a few experiments and this talk, I'm realizing that simply is not who I am. No matter how much I try.
And that's okay.
I now know that there are others out there like me.
We will find each other, if we haven't already...