Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Guilt and Art

I've been feeling really guilty lately.  Guilty for working so much before Christmas, guilty for being emotional and selfish with friends.  Guilty for making assumptions without communication.  Guilty for waiting on getting Joon's tooth pulled (she's not in pain, it's a crowding issue) because I don't know when her father will pay me back from his insurance company.  I've felt guilty for not fighting hard enough for their time with him and I feel guilty for fighting for it at all.  I feel guilty for not having all the gifts ready, for losing the mail key and missing a parcel from someone (probably one with Christmas gifts).  I feel guilty for not getting back to Children's mental health because our schedule was too packed and I was overwhelmed with the idea of more appointments, also Joon seemed to be improving greatly with theatre, but still... I feel guilty for not taking more shifts at work.  I feel guilty for going out and leaving my daughter in charge.  I feel guilty for quick meals and Mr.Noodles.

But I see now, that the guilt does not motivate me to do anything about these things (not that all of these things need to be fixed). Guilt is a paralytic.

So I overcome it by moving, moving things in my room, moving my body. Dancing and breathing. I'm reminding myself that I am not on this Earth to stand in one spot perpetually cementing myself to the ground with the heaviness of not doing enough.

I can feel that tingle, that joy that permeated my entire being this Summer.  I don't merely survive my life, I create it, I can and will do amazing things.  I'm feeling the need to express creatively through my daily endeavours.  I'm remebering that action is art, I am a walking canvas and my colours can seep into everything I touch, may everyone who experiences me get splattered with joy.

Guilt is the most effective prison someone can build for themselves.  Self love and expression is the path to true freedom.

So don't be surprised if next time you see me, I seem almost manic in my happiness.  Feel free to join me, we could all use a break from our self inflicted "we suck at life." feelings.