Sunday, January 31, 2016

Dinner With A Friend

I have this great friend, she is honest, open, and has a great sense of humour when it comes to our human faults, or as she would have me call them, opportunities for growth.  We laugh at the recognition of our egos flaring in situations, she is wonderful at helping you see situations from a larger perspective.  She also doesn't shy away from harsh truths.  She delivers them with compassion, but delivers them none the less.

I told her about my fears, about my boundary issues.  I referred to them as symptoms of my damage.
"Sweetheart," she said looking me in the eye."language matters, damage is the word of a victim, you are not a victim, you are a survivor.  You aren't damaged, you are facing an opportunity for growth."

If you find a friend who can look you in the eye, tell you a hard truth and uplift you at the same time. Cherish that person.  They are priceless.

Friday, January 29, 2016

9 months later...

Whenever I'm on the cusp of a new realization I feel like emotional crap for a few days before.  Kind of like labour, a mom will struggle for a few contractions then suddenly she's coping well again and probably just dilated a bit more.

Strangely enough it's been nine months since I moved to the Shelter...

I have 6 drafted posts.  I want to explain why and how my fear of my ex is gone, because I am so excited about it.  But I can't do it without describing some negative behaviour on his part, so I'll leave it at this: The most devastating weapon someone can use against you is your own mind.  I finally feel like my mind is my own again.  I finally feel like I've completely stepped out of the fog of self doubt and can't believe I ever got so lost in it to begin with.

Insecurity is your worst enemy.  It can make you the perfect victim or the worst perpetrator, it can make you both.

So here I am deeply rooted in who I am, what I deserve and what those around me deserve as well.  I feel So free.  I feel reborn.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

The First of Many

Dear sweet girl,

As we look at training bras and I see your awkwardness around boys, I know we need to have the talk.  Not the sex talk because your mother having the career that she did you know all about where babies come from.  I'm talking about the relationship talk, the self respect talk, the you are amazing and don't you ever let a romantic partner tell you otherwise, talk.  The please don't make the same mistakes as me, talk. I know I can't guarantee you won't get hurt in love but I can help you reduce the risk of becoming damaged.

Here's the trick, build up your self esteem to the point that you can set and enforce healthy boundaries, this way you can keep those at a safe distance who would normally lower your self esteem.  By that I mean do things you love.  Dress the way that makes you feel good, join activities you enjoy and spend time by yourself just enjoying your own company.  Become your own best friend.  If you see yourself as worthy of protection from harmful things it will be easier for you to enforce your boundaries.

If  a person slips through those boundaries and you begin to feel your self esteem lowering, or warning signs appear, spend time with those that genuinely love you. Keep your friends close, maintain your relationships with them. Do the things that make you feel good about yourself until your self esteem is back up to the point you can create and enforce healthy boundaries to push that person out of your life.

If this person does not respect your boundaries go to someone in a position of authority to help you enforce them.

If you feel horrible about yourself, get outside help.  Your self esteem may be too low for you to recognize that you don't deserve negative treatment.  An outside viewpoint may be exactly what you
need.

Remember you are worthy of love and respect.  You are worthy of happiness.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Saying Goodbye to the Pain is Saying Goodbye to the Person

I do nightly guided meditations. Usually I choose the ten minute body scan, but tonight I tried something different; a guided healing meditation.  I like the ones with waves in the background and guys with British or Australian accents, but I digress. This one used the imagery of white light moving up through the body.  I'm not good at visualizing, but I tried my best.  When the light reached my head it asked me to give my negative thoughts to the white light and watch them dissolve.  This is when I began to struggle with the visualization.  I didn't want to let go off my pain from my last relationship.  "Why is this so hard?" I asked myself.  Then I saw it:  the pain is the only thing left that connects me to Scott.  After that is gone, there will be nothing, no more connection.  He will be gone, completely gone.

I haven't lived without him in my mind for 6 years.  Whether it was negative or positive, he was always there in someway.  I'm not sure what living without him in there will be like.  Though I suppose it will be a lot like when I moved to the shelter, it'll be scary and sad at first but the absence will bring a sense of peace and freedom that I forgot could exist.

So tonight I gave my pain to the light.  I let the hurt that I have been clutching to my chest drop away. Tears streamed down my face...

Then I sat bolt upright and frantically wiped them away because I thought my tears would soak my headphones and somehow cause an electrical short that would fry my brain.  Is there are warning on headphones about that? Because there totally should be.  

I know that the pain will revisit, but I also know that I don't need to hold on to it anymore, perhaps this meditation will be added to the rotation (even if there are no waves) because it certainly triggered
some much needed healing.  You can't always get what you want....  Oh come on don't try to tell me you didn't just finish that sentence with the Rolling Stones.

Responsibility and Freedom

Sometimes I wanted power to be taken from me.  Sometimes I gave it up for a false sense of security.  Being completely responsible for my life is a daunting task. To have someone else to blame for my mistakes, misfortunes and missed opportunities, well that's just plain emotionally convenient, or at least I used to think so.  However, to be completely free, I can't blame others for my choices.  Even upon fear of personal safety, I have choices. They may not be easy, but they are there.  I am completely responsible for my actions and for how I deal (or don't deal) with the consequences of those actions.  I have lost people in my life stemming from these actions, but I was aware I might and made the conscious choice to follow through on the actions anyways.  I try not to do anything that I can't own up to in the future, anything that I would be ashamed to share with the public.  However, if I do, I own it and I own the consequences of it.  I try to live by the standard: if I wouldn't want people to know I'm doing this, should I be doing it?  Generally if I feel shameful around an action, it's because deep down inside I know it is a bad idea.  When I own that action/choice and the consequences of it rather than blaming my emotions and other people, I can forgive myself, learn my lesson and move on.  However self forgiveness takes self-love, self worth and the ability to step out of the victim role.
Every step I take on the path to my goals (even if that step is backwards) I remind myself that this is something I choose to do.  Suddenly, my life feels in control, not because I have power over it per se, but because I have power over my choices, and how I choose to respond to the consequences.  I don't fight the consequences.  There's no point.  The only thing I can change is within myself.  I try to be gentle:
"Ooooh yeah... I remember that little voice in the back of my head at the time saying, hey, this is probably not a great idea...and I was all like, 'fuck you conscience.  I'm drunk/disenchanted/hurting and I want instant gratification and escape.' And now I'm paying for it.  Well that wasn't worth the consequences... Now I know better.  Is this something I can fix?  Or do I just need to wait for it to
blow over?  Why did I engage in such unhealthy/hurtful/irresponsible behaviour? Is there something deeper here I have to look at within myself?"

Taking responsibility isn't just about abstaining from behaviour with unwanted consequences, it's about being able to go for what makes us happy.  I am responsible for my own happiness. For example, if I'm unhappy with my employment, if I choose not to look for a job I am going to enjoy, that's my responsibility, not something I get to blame on my current employer for not meeting my standards of happiness.  If I want to accomplish something, it's up to me to do it and I am the only person who could stand in my way.  When I own my life choices, everyone else loses their power to control them.  No amount of outside emotional manipulation will get me to choose something other than what I know is right for me.  That is a freedom that not everyone gets to feel in their lifetime, but it is amazing.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Closure

Last night I had a dream that my ex was driving the car we were in.  I turned to him and asked, "What do you want?" He didn't have a definitive answer.  "Could you just drop me off at home then? " but he pulled over to one of my favourite hiking spots, but there were natural springs there as well and I stood with my toes in the water. Then I watched as many friends ran by in a Marathon and waved, he disappeared for the rest of my dream.

Closure.  That is what I recieved today.  It could be one of the reasons I felt so drained.  Big emotional shifts can bring a sense of exhaustion right along with the peace.  I've been doing so much inner work over the last two weeks... I'm losing track of my earth-bound appointments.  It's time to ground myself and buy a decent Calendar.


Saturday, January 23, 2016

Mick Jagger Told My Fortune

As the full moon grows, I am becoming acutely aware of my intensions, my goals.  What do I want to focus on?  I wrote a prayer, that I be able to find and accept love when I am ready for it.  I said it repeatedly aloud, with my eyelids clenched tight (I think this makes my prayers more effective, could be a raised Catholic thing) then I looked at an oracle card, (not a raised Catholic thing) it told me that I can't always get what I want, but I will get what I need.  So of course I had to read it again, but in Mick Jagger's voice.  I had several offers to do really fun things this weekend.  I could have made them happen.  But something inside of me is telling me to keep it low key.  That these things are going to pull me away from my path.  Now is the time to focus, not party.  It is time for me to invest in what makes me warm and safe.  It is time to walk the path of my goals.  Which means staying home and studying, reinvesting in proven friendships, excersize, stretch, eat well, wrap myself in blankets and if I do go out, don't stay out late.

I think I'm entering a social hibernation of sorts.  My room finally feels homelike.  I don't really want to leave it at night.  I have proven to myself that I can go out, be social and enjoy it.  I always try to face my fears, so that one has been looked in the eye many times.  I'm not scared of being alone or lacking in entertainment.  I no longer feel the need to distract myself from uncomfortable emotions.

So tonight as I lit some candles and set my intensions for the next cycle, I noticed that I no longer had use for that prayer, infact, love would distract me from the goals I was trying to obtain.  I simply do not have the space for it right now.  I don't think I have ever felt that way my entire life.  Have I been scared of love? Oh yes. However, honestly feeling that it is completely unnecessary, that I simply love where I am going, who I am becoming, so much, that I don't want a relationship?  Not since before I was a teenager, maybe even before that.

This was a monumentous occasion.  So I celebrated with another round of G1 testing on the Internet.
Now I shall lie down on my luxurious camping mat, covered in warm blankets staring out of my huge
bay window at the full moon.  My life is going to be full of travel, adventure, writing, art and family and I am doing everything that needs to be done right now to make that happen.  Even the sky is no limit.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Synaptic Override

When you live in a volatile environment for long periods of time, your brain rewires itself to foresee possible attacks.  It is a defense mechanism.  You begin to ask yourself; What could set off a negative reaction? How can I avoid this outcome?  If it does happen what can I do to diffuse the situation?  If I can't diffuse it, how can I escape it?  This thought pattern becomes a habit.  New synapsis are built that override your usual thinking patterns.  Your whole consciousness becomes ruled by these cyclical and anxiety increasing thoughts.  You literally live in a world of fear.  This pattern of thinking will begin to control all aspects of your life.  You will be concerned about conflicts and possible emotional attacks in all situations, not just the situation in which they normally arise.

Up until yesterday, when I went anywhere I would wonder if my ex or his family would be there.  What might they say to me?  How will I respond in a manner that won't make things worse but still enforce my boundaries?  What will I do if they ignore my boundaries?  I haven't had many run ins with my ex or his family, and when I have other than being slightly awkward, nothing really negative has happened.  However, it takes a long time for those habitual thinking patterns to fade...or so I thought.

Yesterday at work, I had some quiet time.  My duties were done, the floor was clean and there were no customers.  So I had time to think. I have two really cool things I want to do on Sunday, one is low key and would allow me to create music.  The other is big and loud and fun, but has the risk of my ex being there as well.  I was trying to figure out how it might be if he showed up... How would we slip away?  Would I ask the kids if they wanted to stay either way?  Would I not tell them anything until we left and then talk to them?  What if he saw us and left?  Would we be able to shake off that yucky anxious feeling and continue?  Would he or someone else make a comment, start a conflict?
Suddenly this really fun opportunity became a real source of anxiety for me.  That's when I realized,
this should be fun.  My fear is clouding over joyous occasions.  I should be looking forward to these things, not stressing over them.  No matter how much I preplan my response, it's not going to change a damn thing, so I might as well deal with it as it comes, if it comes.  This is not the first time I have had this conversation with myself. However, I know I overrode my old habitual thinking pattern because I got that wonderful feeling of peace and well being that only comes from endorphins being released when a new synapsis is formed, or as some people call it the "ah ha" moment.

So I still haven't made my decision yet. I might not make it until the day before.  Maybe I can arrange it so I can do both.  We'll see. I'm not going to stress over it.





Thursday, January 21, 2016

The Root

Lastnight a friend came over and we had a 2 and a half hour long conversation.  We discussed getting back into to dating scene after divorce/ending of a long committed relationship.  The more I spoke about it, the greater the anxiety in my chest.  I didn't realize how much fear I still held until this discussion. After he left I felt confused and drained.  I thought I had figure it all out, but now...

When you can find the root of your fear you can live free of it.  I fear I will lose myself.  I fear that I will fall in love, drop my boundaries and allow another unhealthy relationship to take over my life. In other words: I fear myself.

I fear that I can't trust my heart.  I keep trying to put it on others; this person may hurt me, that person may hurt me.  Really though, if I set my boundaries and listen to my intuition, this will not be the case.  I will simply recognize that those people are not for me, before I become too attached.

I need constant reminders for myself:
-I am strong and brave.
-I can leave any relationship, at any time. I'm never going to be so deep that I can't dig myself out.
-The chances of me ever getting hurt that badly again are extremely low.
-I can (and deserve to) have respectful relationships in all aspects of my life.  I will not allow for any relationship or communication that is otherwise.
-I recognize that my self worth is not based on keeping or making other people happy.

So goes my mantra, though I tend to write my mantras over and over again rather than say them aloud. Seeing it written down, I know it to be true.  I have nothing to fear, I am no longer the same woman who fell in love 6 years ago.  It's not about trusting others, it's about trusting myself.



Tuesday, January 19, 2016

On The Wall

Every morning I get up and look in this mirror.  I smile, stretch and tell my body I love it.  I thank my NP for prescribing my fibro meds (mild anti depressants) for getting me out of my depression long enough to see my self worth.  I thank my heart for taking charge.  I thank Chrysalis for being there when I had nowhere else to go and for the peace I found there. I thank the farm, the animals were very healing, even if in the end it didn't work out.  I thank Paul and Carolyn for offering me a place to rent. I thank my bank for giving me so much credit that allowed me to take a much needed escape/adventure. I remain thankful for all my friends and family members who supported me.  Then I do a little dance on the spot, because I can.  

Ownership

In my dream I looked in the mirror and wiped off my make up, huge black eyes of  shadow, but underneath it all, one of my eyes was swelling shut from being hit.  I wonder if this is symbolic of my writing my blog.  I use pretty words to make my injuries look the way I want, but when I wipe them away, the ugly truth is there.  Writing about a scenario gives me a certain power over it, I can paint over the spots I don't like in myself. I can't pretend anymore that my pain doesn't affect how I see things, that I am unable to let all the light in.  If you could really see my damage, how ugly I have become, you would see that I squint at every scenario looking for how I could get hurt. I push away my male friends in fear that they are being disingenuous.

I tried to give my life meaning by fixing the people around me.  If you were in pain I would want to love your pain away.  Which works for a while, but when (inevitably) it begins to fail, I ask myself, why can't I make this person happy?  Then I would focus on helping them make themselves happy.  I needed to realize their happiness was never my responsibility.  If someone is unkind to me because of their pain, it is not my duty to help them through it, it's not my journey.  Happiness is an inside job, I could believe that for myself, but I could not apply it to how I interacted with others, especially those I loved.  I enabled hurtfull behaviour to continue,  I actively participated  in a situation where resentment blossoms.  My heart needed the relationship to work out, I had planted my hopes and dreams of the future in it.  I fell in love with it's potential.  Which is why I lived in the future... The now was a mess still, but one day, when the person was happy, everything was going to be great.  I sacrificed my own happiness, security and health trying to accomplish the impossible.

It is impossible to make someone else genuinely happy.  Now I have to see how this affects my parenting as well, am I giving them tools to build and maintain their own happiness? Or am I teaching them to rely on outside sources?

I went back to sleep after that first dream: I swam with dolphins, flew through the air and chanted Om until my chest vibrated and I awoke with it buzzing.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Letting Go

With my last question answered,  I feel like I can fully move on.  I've been considering cleaning up my blog ever since my test results.  Time to let go of the negative.  My blog was a source of support during those chaotic times, it was good to hear your comments on Facebook, I needed outside support, I needed to bounce my ideas off others, to make sure I'm not crazy.

Now I feel like I can move on, on my own.  So much writing came from a place of pain and confusion and I am no longer that woman.  So I re read my posts, I got rid of ones that were particularily negative towards my ex, because he is also no longer the same man and deserves to move forward as well.  I drafted the ones that I felt the lessons had sunk in.

It's strange, because as I was considering cleaning out my blog, I got a message from the OPP from where my ex lives.  I haven't been able to get a hold of the constable but I can't help but wonder... was my ex going to request through them that I stop writing about him anyways? I guess I won't know until she calls me back.  Either way, it is time.

Thank You for being with me on this journey, it's been real.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Have A Liitle Help From My Friends

Okay so yesterday was the last major milestone to have to deal with.  I memed (if that is the word) about motherf$cking shiny zombies.  I chatted with friends on the Internet.  A friend came over to help with my broken bed.  Facebook sucked because out of pure random evilness it notified me of something on my ex's fan page that I unliked a long time ago.  Not cool, facebook, not cool.  Despite that, it was a relatively painless day and night.  Good people are awesome.  Catherine from The Great Vine gifted me "Love" bath salts and I bathed like a queen.  Friends sent me messages of love and support.  I got to cuddle my kids all night and I finished Furiously Happy, by Jenny Lawson, which I intend to start reading again tomorrow.

There has been this weight lifted off my shoulders.  I don't want to get into what exactly, but a friend shared some info with me that very much proved what I thought all along, but thinking something isn't as good as knowing something, am I right?

I'm being very lazy today because I want to fully recover from my cold so that I can be productive the next two days while the kids are at their dad's.  Drivers test studying, collage making, taking down the rest of the Solstice stuff, writing, banking, appointment making and signing up my daughter for guides.  I'm feeling like I can move on now easily, before it felt forced.

My dream last night was of me  running through a tunnel to escape a military conflict then I came out the other side into a beautiful landscape, where I recognized betrayal immediately called the person on it and they were arrested. Then I went on searching for this beautiful land where we were to meet up with friends and family.  It pretty much summed up my last 10 months beautifully, I escaped conflict, stayed underground in safety for a while while moving forward.  I thought I'd reached the light at the end of the tunnel, found a betrayal, handled it and now I am in the light heading in the direction of love.

Life is good.


Friday, January 8, 2016

goals

I went to a women's group at the shelter.  They were talking about goal setting.  I've had the goal of getting my licence for a while...however I keep holding myself back.  There are no reasons for me to hold back anymore other than fear.  So instead I'm going to focus on the joy that driving will bring:
1) Travelling where public transit cannot go.

That's mostly it.  I want to take my kids on a road trip where we can go to those off the beaten path places and not have to keep checking bus/train schedules.  Don't get me wrong, I love the train, but being able to rent a car for a day or two to visit an "out there" national park in BC would be awesome.  To drive and see my family would be great too.  I really want to do these things.  I want them more than I am scared of hurting someone by making a mistake while at the wheel... A good friend of mine told me that I couldn't approach it that way, he told me that a little fear is good, but I can't avoid something potentially freeing out of the fear of something that the risk is so low.  I've been of the opinion my whole life that really, statistics don't mean much to the individual, it either happens to you or it doesn't.  That's it.  However, I feel this is one of those times where I face my fear and get stronger for it.  I'm going to make a collage of sorts of places I want to drive to, near, far where ever.  I'm going to look at it every night before I study, everyday before I bother one of my friends to let me practice (practise? I always get them confused) in their car. While I'm saving money for driving lessons etc.  I can do this.

Update: just realized that driving is probably going to seem really easy now that I've built it up so horribly in my mind... I realize that this is a paradox, but if you ever read Terry Pratchett you'd know recognizing fear is a "first thought", telling myself it will seem easy because of said fear is a "second thought", and the fact that it is paradoxical is a "third thought".  All of these thoughts are me and it's not unusual for me to disagree with myself.

So I'm On Social Media Now

I'm attempting social media.  I have a Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/Speakhertruth/  And a Twitter account @speakhertruth .  I'll be live tweeting my non-wedding night and including pictures.  So if you want to see me stuffing my face on the couch wearing a tiara, tune in to Twitter.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

I See The Strength Now

I wrote a post a little while back about how I didn't see how anything I did while leaving my ex and moving on as "strong".  It was necessity, I thought.  You just do it.  Then I realized, not everyone can just do what needs to be done.  Not everyone can face what I did without giving in to unhealthy choices, unhealthy relationships.  Perhaps they would have stayed and developed destructive behaviours to deal with the pain. It takes strength and self love to avoid making decisions that will hurt others or yourself. It takes resilience to move forward on your own.  You need to see your self worth, you need mental and emotional stability. I made the hard choices and avoided the easy route.  I chose long term happiness over short term reprieve.

I didn't see this until I re read what I told my daughter before Solstice about making good choices when you are having a hard time emotionally.  Then I realized how much emotional and mental strength it takes to be diligent in your choices for a healthy happy lifestyle.

So yeah, I'll claim that title now:  I am a strong woman. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically: I kick ass.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Lost Time

Making up for lost time with my kids. Not just for the 6 days they spent with their father over the holidays, but for all that time I spent in bed or on the couch in pain.  I could do the necessities of feeding, supervising and teaching, however all of these were modified to work with my illness.  I did not have as much patience as I would have liked.  I remember when my whole body felt bruised and my children could barely hug me.  They would climb into bed to cuddle and I would cringe, a careless movement with elbow or a knee could and did cause me to cry out in pain, then cry in sadness because I missed their closeness.

Carpe Diem,  yes and I make sure that I still get daily rest.  I spend some time reading or writing on my own.  But we go on walks together, do math together and learn grammar together.  We watch YouTube videos from the space station, read and pray together every night in bed.  Sometimes we have sleepovers where we literally draw on eachother's backs using washable markers.  I have been helping them build their Lego mansion and joining in on science experiments like what happens to a balloon when you leave it outside in the cold overnight?  What happens when you bring it back in?  I want to be able to describe how I feel in a word: warm.  It's not an overwhelming joy, but more like a "all is as it should be and I have a hot cocoa." -kind of feeling.

For a long time my life was full of joyous heights, then hellish lows.  Peace... A feeling of home and security, it didn't exist.  I tried everything I could think of to make it feel like a home, but home is in your heart and if your heart can't be at peace then you simply will feel out of place all the time. No amount of passion in a relationship can make up for a lack of a home.  If you cannot plant roots you are going to wither and die and that was exactly what was happening to me.  I had nowhere to recharge, nowhere to be vulnerable so I felt vulnerable everywhere.

I have been given a valuable lesson in how an environment of instability can affect even the strongest of adults, so I can understand better the adults who grew up with this constant instability.  It makes me sad.  So I'm putting energy into our relationship as a family.  I am helping them build homes in their hearts to carry with them wherever they go.  A strong sense of self worth as a roof and healthy boundaries, like walls to help keep out unwanted negativity.

Home is where the heart is.

I always thought that meant, home was where the people you loved were.  But now I see it's less metaphorical than that, or maybe just a little backwards:

Heart is where the home is.




Monday, January 4, 2016

Grapefruit wine gave me eye herpes

Seriously though, I have had reactions to eating citrus fruit ever since I was a young child.  My mouth breaks out in sores.  It looks like mouth herpes except last time I checked, oranges could not give you herpes.  So anyways, I love this grapefruit tasting wine and I always wondered, will this give me my stupid canker sore reactions?  I refer to them as "mine" because no one else I know gets blisters from eating citrus fruit, and therefore this particular affliction must only be possessed by yours truly.

Well anyways, I got a mouth blister after my birthday festivities, during which I drank that wine and ate many things on plates without looking at them first.  So I guess the title isn't accurate,  grapefruit wine may have given me eye herpes...but you really want to appear sure of which food product gave you herpes, because I don't want to give the impression that I go around shoving just any blister causing foods into my mouth...except for on my birthday, but I was drunk on grapefruit wine.  Anyways, I have this stupid blister on my lip which will be gone by tomorrow, but now my eye is itchy.  That's how I know I ate something citrusy and I'm about to get a blister, my mouth gets itchy and in less than 24 hours there's a blister and in 48 hours, like a two night stand that realized it should have stayed a one night stand, it's gone.   Now my eye is itchy.  Eye herpes are real.  They can move into your brain and kill you.  So now I'm all like, should I google if citrus fruit can give you eye herpes?  I realize I'm skipping a few steps in between but you know what I mean.

So I'm going to be all Zen about it.  Surely worrying about an eye herpe erupting and threatening my life will not stop it from doing so.  I shall just focus on the now and enjoy life as if there is no looming threat.  Also googling anything with the term herpes is a VERY bad idea as the images that show up may lead to suffering that no amount of meditation can cease.  I am going to focus on my breath and stop trying to take close-up selfies of my eye between chapters of Furiously Happy.




Saturday, January 2, 2016

Happy Birthday, I'm a Mutant

So this birthday was something new, something I haven't had in a long time.  This birthday had friends.  Plus it was a surprise party.  Love the ladies around me who organized this and somehow managed to involve my kiddos (who didn't spill the beans).

I read today that this is Neil Gaiman's wedding anniversary.  I think I should contact him and see if we can merge our celebrations next year. What d'ya think?

I was going to go into this ghost of birthdays past thing... but nope.  Moving forward.

Now I have a fridge full of snack food, a week off work and the kids' father is not taking them for 6 days, so more time with them.  Looking forward to reintroducing our home education routine slowly and with lots of cuddles.

So, there will be no reflections today, no lessons or inner discoveries.  Just me eating cake, salsa dancing next to my friend and drinking my mutant poison.  Oh didn't I tell you?  Alcohol proves I'm a mutant because it turns mutants' faces red.  I read it on the Internet so it must be true.  I was kinda hoping my mutant ability would be something cool, like being able to cook ravioli in a can just using my mind, but instead it's being able to look incredibly embarrassed despite NOT being embarrassed.  When I'm out crime fighting I like to keep the bad guys guessing:  Is she embarrassed? Is she not embarrassed?  How will we ever truly know??? Then in the confusion my fellow mutants can mount a surprise attack.  I just have to keep some baby duck in my pleather utility belt at all times.  Problem is my body actually breaks alcohol down into a mild poison, so the very essence that makes my incredible mutant power possible is also slowly killing me... ( or making me nauseous and giving me headaches before an actual hangover would appear.).  Yet, I choose to use my mutant powers for the good of all, despite the horrible toll it takes on my body.  Because I'm a hero like that.


Friday, January 1, 2016

21 days

I just saw it, a friend was feeling bad about something she had said. I immeadiately tried to make her feel better, not only because I empathized with that particular kind of guilt (which sucks) but also because a part of me felt fear.  Fear at how she may react because she felt bad.  Fear of an emotional outburst.  I tried to control how she was feeling rather than just letting her feel it, in order to protect myself.  Pattern spotted.

Next I realized that I literally tense up whenever someone else tells my children to do something or not to do something. My shoulders and neck muscles start to hurt.  It doesn't matter how kindly it is said, how much it needed to be said, my body reacts in this way.  Today I felt it happen, I reviewed the situation as one that was emotionally safe for my children and my shoulders relaxed.  I smiled, pattern spotted.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit.  So let's call this day 1.