Tuesday, January 10, 2017

A Cross Section of Worthiness

I watch Grey's Anatomy.  The drama part is whatever, but what I love is the medical part of medical dramas.  I love listening to what organs they are working on and looking them up in my anatomy study cards.  I love watching House and guessing the diagnosis.  I love being able to call out for more blood when the pressure is dropping, knowing what unresponsive pupils could be a sign of.   I love naming the tests they will be doing before they do.  I love scolding them when they don't wear masks in burn units.  sometimes there is a ridiculous obstetrical episode, in which they give birth to one baby while keeping the other inside for longer and I'm shaking my head at the risk of sepsis and the subsequent hemorrhage and I am proud of myself for knowing this.

Some of the most fulfilling times in my life were in hospital rooms.  Working alongside healthcare providers.  We'd just "click" and there's this dance, this silent dance where we knew exactly how to make space for each other to do our part in keeping the client and her baby physically and emotionally safe.  Nothing beats that feeling.  Not even writing.

So I look at these characters and I think to myself, "If only I wasn't sick.  I could be a healthcare provider.  I could work with a team and save lives."  Then a strange and (sadly) unusual thought comes to my mind. "What if I wasn't sick?  What if I could get better?  Completely better?"
This thought process may not seem unusual to you.  To me though, I haven't seriously considered the idea of being cured, in years.  Feeling better, yes.  But being completely free of this debilitating illness? No.  In fact, I stopped making appointments because I felt better, not cured, but better than before, I figured that I should just be grateful for the amount of good days out numbering the amount of bad.  I didn't like the stress the tests put me through (or that I was actually just having a hard time coping with).  I also didn't want to seem like I was complaining.

However, that spark of hope I felt when I asked myself: What if I really could get better?  The way my life opened up for me in my mind... I realized that as worthy as I thought I was of having strong emotional health, I obviously did not feel the same about my physical health.

So, as such, I will be making an appointment with my Nurse Practioner to talk about the struggles I am still facing despite my near miraculous turn around.  I deserve to be healthy enough to follow my dreams, or at least I deserve a chance to try to get healthy enough to follow my dreams.

I'm ready.