I have found that my whole life people have been giving me advice to be more lady-like, prettier, more attractive to the opposite sex. I'd like to take a moment to thank my parents for never making that a priority in my upbringing. In fact, they raised me to be proud of my intelligence and my tendency to be outspoken. My mother would often brag about what a great lawyer I would make. My father taught me how and where to strike a man who doesn't respect my physical boundaries. He taught self defence classes in our basement and I sat in the corner and soaked it in when I wasn't actually on the mats with him myself. When I think back to it, it was never directly implied I would get married, have children or have any traditional role (except when I was giving my mother a hard time and she would say: Just wait until you have kids). It was not our family culture to assume any of these things. That is why as I got older I felt confused and annoyed by people who offered advice on these subjects. As if for some reason my goals and aspirations would revolve around a male's attention.
"You would be even prettier if you grew out your hair."
"Don't play in the dirt with the boys, you'll ruin your clothes."
"You shouldn't talk so much, boys don't like that."
I often answered "So?"
As a grown woman the assumption is still the same:
You obviously want to be attractive to men.
Dating sites are offering up suggestions for me to be "successful". Which actually means having many suitors. As in the more you attract the better chance you have of finding a match. I don't have the fucking (swearing, how unlady-like) time to sort through a huge group of men, many of which may not be attracted to me when I decide it's okay to show more of who I am.
It's not only dating sites that participate in this this women-want-to-be-attractive-to-men, paradigm:
I deal with men who feel like they need to reaffirm that they find me physically attractive after I have stated something political. There are men on social networks trying to let me know I have to stop being so forward with men, that is why I'm not continuing onto third and fourth dates. Why would I want to put more energy into a romantic partner who doesn't find this portion of my personality attractive?
Turning guys off is a fantastic way to save my time and energy.
Why do people want so badly for me not to be rejected?
Because I am suppose to feel bad when someone doesn't want to make me their mate.
They don't understand that I don't base my self worth on whether or not someone wants to be with me. Sure, it can be disappointing if I thought there was a connection, but if someone doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me.
It means that they know that I'm not a good fit for them.
Just like I know when someone is not a good fit for me.
It's not personal.
I appreciate not being lead on and thus wasting my time on a relationship that will never work.
It has been suggested that my forwardness is actually just a front to protect myself. My personality is naturally forward, so it's not a front, but HELL YES I'm protecting myself. I protect everything I love. Why this is brought up as a flaw and something that should be remedied is beyond me. Like stating and enforcing one's boundaries is to be discouraged. No way, it took a lot of crappy relationships and a couple of stalkers to learn how to set and stand behind healthy boundaries.
I get that people are looking for soul mates. Through many relationships I have found mine; Me.
I am picky about my romantic companions, because my time, my body, and my heart are precious.
I am not here to be attractive to men.
I am here to improve my planet through actions of kindness, bravery and love.
A companion would be nice, but is by no means necessary for me to fulfill my life goals.