Thursday, October 5, 2017

I Should Be Sleeping

I should be sleeping.  I got a cold from my... boyfriend.  So strange writing those words, stranger saying them.  Cuteness aside, this has been a very challenging time for me.

Some healing can't truly be done until you are back in the same situation, but with a positive outcome instead.  That doesn't mean that, that situation isn't going to feel scary as hell when it happens.  It also doesn't mean that magically you are going to heal afterwards either. You have to make the effort through the fear to listen to yourself, to communicate with your new partner and to see it to the end.

So that's what I've been doing. Communicating. When a triggering situation is foreseeable I warn him of how I may feel and act.  I give him ways to support me and things to avoid doing that will make it worse. He listens, he tries.  He restores my faith.

So even though I've got this happy I'm-in-a-new-relationship vibe going on, there's an underside of anxiety and it's more like skipping through an emotional minefield than a meadow.

Every once in a while, after a particularly triggering situation, when I need reassurance that I am worth all this stupid: can't breath, can't talk, shaking uncontrollably, bullshit.  He reassures me.  He makes me feel safe and cared for.

I am not broken beyond wanting.

Not only am I still desirable, I'm desired by a great guy.  One I wasn't even sure if I deserved and waited months before I got the guts to ask him out.

So here's to the next chapter of healing through experience. Wish me luck.