Saturday, October 6, 2018

Kavanaugh Gets Voted Through and I’m Back On My Meds

Like the holidays weren’t bad enough. My PTSD has me so high strung, I could be the tree topper at Rockerfeller Square. Every time I click on the blue and white “f” icon, I feel like this world is truly fucked. I know it’s wrong to think this way, but it honestly feels like the American right are fine with their daughters being raped as long as it’s only by rich white guys.

 Honestly though, I have come forward in the past about abuse, assault and harassment. I have been accused of being confused, mistaken, delusional, a liar, a vengeful bitch. I had the police called on me for writing about healing from my last relationship in my blog. Nothing came of it, but the attempt itself showed the lengths people will go to try to shut me up and that is a truly scary thing. I, thankfully, have not had any death threats. Dr.Ford has. I saw her in my newsfeed in front of all those men, so many already set on not believing her, and it was like watching one of my nightmares. My chest tightened, I started to shake and by the end of her statement, I was crying. I haven’t stopped feeling anger mixed with hopelessness since. I imagine myself up there, under scrutiny,describing various sexual assaults trying to give dates. I don’t have dates, I remember most of my ages though. 3,11,14,18,34, My unlucky numbers. Unlucky enough to be touched, groped, rubbed against, penetrated, suffocated, without my permission, continued after protest, and when I was strong enough, fought off. there’s a number missing, but I only remember it as that year I wore the black frilly skirt, because I remember regretting it and feeling very vulnerable and exposed as the man I hardly knew, pulled me onto his lap despite me pushing his hands off me several times.

 So, a few days ago. I lost it. I completely lost my ability to tell the difference between my “now, in this slightly stressful situation” emotions and “past,in the dangerous situation“, emotions. I made irrational decisions, I pushed away and cut off the the person closest to me. I hurt them, deeply. 24 hours later it became clear as day why I felt such fear that had me doing this. My PTSD managed to completely convince me what I was feeling was real and now. I had been crying hard in bed and I sat up gasping. “Holy Shit, I was completely oblivious and I have to fix this.” So the apologies were sent, I made an appointment and started my anti-anxiety/anti-depressants the next day and made an appointment for counseling.

I never want to hurt someone like that. I didn’t even know if that person was ever going to talk to me again just in case they allowed me back in their life, I wanted to do my best to be a better person. My nurse asked me what I thought brought on this spike in my PTSD symptoms. I named the usual stressors, but when I mentioned the amount of posts of sexual assault on social media and what was happening with Dr.Ford, well, I didn’t even get to say Dr.Ford because I was crying. I read on social media that counselors were noticing an increase in clients and many were citing sexual abuse and the Dr.Ford situation as the reason why. Taking into account my own experience, I believe it. Take care of yourselves fellow trauma survivors.