Frustration

Over a year has passed since I initially became sick.  No diagnosis yet. I am sleeping 12-14 hours a day to get maybe 4 hours of activity which includes a lot of sitting down, walking with a cane or shopping in my wheelchair.  I noticed that I had a sliver that turned into a freckle on my finger tip, Nurse Practitioner told me to make an appointment if it got bigger, then I noticed when I removed my nail polish that the same splinter like marks are under one of my nails.  So I looked it up on google.  Now before anyone *eye rolls*. Let me assure you that as a medical advocate, I know the difference between reliable and unreliable web resources, I also own medical textbooks with which I cross reference my Internet findings.  The markings are identical to splinter hemorrhagesas sign of severe cardiovascular disease, unless you have received trauma to that area recently, which I have not.  Now, had I not been experiencing extreme fatigue, tremors, weakness, shortness of breath, chest pain, among many other symptoms for over a year I simply would have shrugged it off, however taking into account that I have no diagnosis and we have not investigated my cardiovascular system as a possible culprit, I decided that it would be important to show these markings to my Nurse practitioner as quickly as possible.

This is what happened:  I didn't get her, I got a student. Who promptly told me my red rash was not a concern.  "What red rash?" I asked him.  I pointed to the "slivers" under my nail, which I had already told him was my concern.  "We look for infection, or strange growth, these are fine." he told me in a very patronizing way.  He gave me the same neuro exam I get every time, listens to me breath a briefly listens to my heart, asks about my chest pains. I explain them to him.  He takes my blood pressure and says it is good (this is important to note for later). Here's the deal, we are both bias.  I am bias in that I have been dealing with the medical system for 8 years as both patient and patient
advocate.  I have watched many a Dr and nurse overlook things out of being too busy, too
inexperienced, too arrogant or all three.  I have watched life threatening complications arise from these mistakes, the good nurses and doctors recognize explain and apologize for their oversights.  Some lack the ability to realize that there was
an oversight, or the strength of character to admit it.  This student has dealt with patients who no doubt have freaked themselves out by going to numerous healthboards and other unreliable sources of information, he wants to help people with real health problems not waste time on ones prediagnosed by Wikipedia.  I knew this by his patronizing manner.  I would not be an active participant in this medical appointment, he would push on me what he thought, he would report to my nurse Practioner how the slivers were fine as they did not look cancerous or infected.  So it went, the stress question, then the stress comment, the anxiety questions, I assure him, I know what anxiety is, I have had anxiety.  I'm not suffering from an anxiety disorder right now.  "But your symptoms can be caused by anxiety."  He insists "I want you to have a psych consult." He tells me.  Then he wants to up my fibromyalgia meds which are mild anti
depressants.  "No." I tell him. "I get really sick when you guys up or change my meds, cymbal ta is working on my pain right now with very little to no side effects.  I am not upping it."  Then he
assures me in a once again patronizing tone.  "There is always an adjustment period when starting new meds."  This is when I began to get angry. "I dropped 2 dress sizes in a week last time. I'm already sick, I'm not doing that again." "Your choice" he tells me shaking his head.  This student is talking down to me, ignoring my observations of my emotional/mental state and he doesn't even understand the use of basic body language and it's effect on communication between caregiver and patient.  He left to talk to the nurse and I started to cry, out of pure frustration.  I don't want to be sick I am sick of being sick.  I'm missing out on important things with my children. This is the first non-vague symptom I get, and I can't even tell him what I think it is or why because all it will do is reinforce his diagnosis of general anxiety disorder.  He came back with a questionaire for GeneralAnxiety Disorder,  which is like 9 questions.  Really?!? That's all it takes to diagnose GAD?  Plus the questionnaire leaves no room for disease symptoms, as if the only reason I could be possibly
be irritable would be anxiety, not the fact that my legs are sore and I am unexplainably exhausted, not hiding to stay in bed but actually diagnosed by my sleep specialist as truly fatigued.  Then he wants
to put me on a larazapan type anti anxiety med.  "It makes me lethargic." I told him. "I spend too much time in bed as is. I'm not taking those."
"But it will help with your anxiety."
*face palm*
Finally he asked me what I am worried about.  I explained that my symptoms are worse, that I need a wheelchair to grocery shop because I get so tired, dizzy and my knees give out.  I'm worried that there is something wrong with my heart, with the way my blood moves, I'm worried that I am sick and we are not looking at all the possibilities and I am missing out on time with my family.  I don't want to be sick.  I want to get better. Then we went back over how tired I am, Scott mentioned my iron was low, then the student said he would put together some blood work to look at that, he left, spoke with my nurse Practioner and had ordered an ECG, a mobile ECG for a few days a cbc, a test
for diabetes and a few others.  I agreed to the psych consult to prove once and for all I do not have an anxiety disorder, so that we can move on to my real diagnosis. An hour and a half, that is how long that took.

He was so sure that I had anxiety he overlooked the proof that I do not have it:  My blood pressure was normal. Let's take a look at this situation from the view of a caregiver who has read my notes.  History of sexual and physical abuse by men in positions of authority.  Trauma caused by male doctor cutting into genitals without pharmaceutical pain relief, a preference to female caregivers.  She arrives to see that instead of her nurse she has  a male she barely knows,  he is examining her,  touching her  and her  blood pressure is fine.  Her heart rate is fine.  Someone who is suffering from GAD with my background would have a rush of epinephrine in a situation like that, her bp and heart
rate would jump considerably, as cymbalta is not a beta blocker.  While I was putting on my boots my
nurse practitioner came out, part of me wanted to show her my finger nail and talk to her about it, but not her part of me thought; What's the point? Here's what I learned, if they are going to treat me like I'm  crazy anyways, I might as well just tell them what think it is right away rather than waste so
much time.

Doulas: What Market Should You Really Be Targeting?

Peace on Earth begins with birth.  I truly believe this.  This is why I am a doula.  This is why I have a non profit find-a-doula site to help families find the right doula for them.  I think it's important that women who are looking for our services find them easily.  I don't market myself though, so much as spread awareness of doula care.  For doulas who wish to make a living only doulaing, advertising is essential.

I've been hearing a lot about marketing in the birth professional world.  There's always some ad somewhere about marketing your birth business.  I hear a lot about target markets as well.  So let's be honest here,  you don't market to the person you know would want your product, you market to the people who has the persuasive power over the person who wants your product.  As doulas we forget the influence the family members and peers have on first time mother's decisions on her pregnancy and childbirth care.  Women who had discussed having a doula with their families described to me how their family reacted to their wishes, "Why would you want one of those?" Many a time women have said to me: "Oh , I wanted a doula, but my sister/friend told me I wouldn't need one, she'd come with me instead."  This extends through much of their pregnancy choices, how many doulas have heard: "I want a home birth but my family doesn't think it's a good idea so..."

 How do we influence the "influencers"?  Simple: Doulas need to be normalized.  We need to be seen by others, not just women during the part of their lives that our society often wraps in secrecy.   The more comfortable and aware of doula care our communities are the more likely they are to support women in their doula choice.  If our society is able to recognize that doulas provide a service worth paying for, then maybe, just maybe, our communities will begin to believe that how a woman gives birth is important.

Another aspect of normalizing doula care is by being honest with ourselves and our clients about the care we provide.  We are not a magic pill, and though the research points to a doula being present lowering the risks of interventions significantly, hiring us does not guarantee an intervention free birth.  It does however guarantee that we will be there, supporting the family through whatever may come.  We are the hand to hold, the reassuring voice in times of doubt and the gentle reminder to ask questions.  We also need to realize that not every woman needs a doula to have an empowering birth.  In fact I believe very few women need a doula.  If there's anything I've learned through this career, it's that women are strong and capable of amazing things. I drive along side her and offer sips of water while she runs the marathon and I am in awe of her.  The truth is, I know she could have done it without me and I hope that I did a good enough job supporting her that she knows that too. 

The less wrapped in mystery (or mysticism for that matter) we are, the more seriously we will be taken as a profession.  The more seriously we are taken, the more opportunity we have to positively impact new families one birth at a time.  It's time to think outside of the belly and into our communities and government.  Marketing need not just be about finding a client, it can be about changing the world.
  

A Day of Hippy Home Education

We don't fall under one category of home education. I have a gr1 curriculum book, that Bug does work out of. I use it to keep me on track with the concepts she should be able to understand, though the majority of the time Bug chooses when to work out of this book herself (it is almost complete). We believe in child-lead education. They ask "Why does _____ happen? or "That Lion is so cool! Can we look up lions on the National Geographic site?" We go with whatever they are curious about. The Lion question lead to an entire unit on African Savanna Animals. I love Montessori concepts, and we have many games and puzzles. We love to incorporate life skills as well. We are what you would call "eclectic" home educators. Mostly though, we just let them play :) Here's a taste of a day in our home.

Folding towels= Co-operation, life skills, hand-eye

coordination and a sense of accomplishment. Just don't expect them to be perfect right away. The kids do get better with practise.

Washing dishes, each with their own jobs, and needing to follow several steps. Being able to work both independently to achieve the same goal is an indispensable skill. Plus, it takes a chunk out of the amount of dishes Scott and I have to do. (They LOVE dish washing, They cheer when I tell them it's time to do the dishes).

Sorting Laundry (sorting, life skills and coordination) and hanging up their own clothes. They take better care of their clothes now that they are the ones that put them away.

The African game we made up to review what we had learned during our African Animals unit.

(Reading, counting, teamwork, strategy, addition, multiplication, problem solving, geography)

Cuddling is a big part of our educating process.

If anyone is curious, how they learn to read and print without me sitting them down and teaching them. My short answer is: I have no clue. They just do. The slightly longer answer is, complete a task many times in front of them, when they ask a question about it: answer it and only it , don't go into major detail. For example: "What sound does that letter make mommy?" Mommy: "it makes a SSSS sound like a snake" Have alphabet puzzles, games and tracing mats available for them to play with at their own leisure. That's it. When a child chooses what they want to learn, when they want to learn it, they will. If you don't believe me the boy pictured above is my 4 yrold. He printed this completely on his own, by sounding out the words without prompting or help from any of us. I just walked into the living room and there it was with him and his big grin "Look what I did mommy!"

Music is a huge part of our day. Their step dad is a musician and practises regularly, which leads to the whole family joining in with drums, keyboard and voices. This is coupled with Music for Young Children classes (which are AWESOME).

One of my favourite things is reading to them.

So, that's how it works in my family, for now. Observe and adapt, don't get too attached to one way of doing things and know when to ask for assistance. That's my advise, I find it applies to every aspect of my life.

Why We Are Cleaning Up Hunter's Bay Trail, An Answer To Councilor John Davis.

This morning we put on our work gloves, one pair extra large, one pair small and two pairs of teeny tiny. The whole family was getting ready to participate in our first clean-up which was organized by Danial McCoy, with the Huntsville Environmental Group. The idea was that we would dig out and recycle the plastic shavings that had blown over from KWH's back lot and settled into our beloved Hunter's Bay Trail bank.

Kyle Kralik, Karin Tarizano, Danial McCoy

To say I felt overwhelmed would be an understatement. If the first 20 minutes of raking, it became very obvious that we weren't looking at one foot or so of plastic shavings. There were layers upon layers of it. The tiny roots of plants had grown entangled around them. We had bitten off more than we could chew. The more we dug the more plastic we found. We realized we would have to stop digging due to the threat of washing out the trail. Wheelbarrow by wheelbarrow we rolled the piles out to the parking lot and filled two 60 square foot boxes donated by KWH itself. When we realized we could not dig any further without compromising the bank we dug a small trench and lined it with logs to slow any erosion.

Layers upon Layers, this saplings roots have grown in and around these shavings.




John Davis, Brendan and Rudi Stade


Scott Gilson

Among the members of the Huntsville Environmental Group a few other faces made an appearance, John Davis and Karin Terizano of the Huntsville town council came out to do some digging. Karin got straight to work and helped to fill many wheel barrows. John was shoveling as well, but was obviously conflicted about the trail clean-up. At one point I heard him ask "Why are we even doing this? It's just fine the way it is." He pointed out that the PVC pipes these shavings came from carry our water, he didn't believe the shavings to be a threat. I'm glad he brought these thoughts forward, for I am sure there are many others who believe that plastic formed in 3 inch thick tubes buried below the frost line and not exposed to the hot summers and cold winters of Muskoka leach chemicals at the same rate as these thin shavings do. However, when discussing considerations when disposing of PVC www.lenntech.com/polyvinyl-pvc.htm states : " ...attention should be taken to the fact that PVC may leach out toxic chemicals and contaminate soil and water." Lenntech is a respected environmentally friendly water and air filtration system designing company in the Netherlands, and has worked with Shell and the US army. (for those of you who are sceptical of Internet information and where it comes from as I am).

So to answer your question, Councilor John Davis; I can not tell you why all of us were "doing this" but I can tell you why I was. I helped to clean out 120 cubic feet of PVC from a river bank because I was worried about chemicals leaching into the water way my children play in. I sifted through piles of shavings and dirt pulling out organic material with my children to show them that it is our responsibility to clean up the environment. I raked down clumps of plastic knowing that there was no way we could clean it up in one day because I believe that every journey starts with one step, or in the case of the Hunter's Bay clean-up; 5 rakes, 5 shovels and a small group of people who are not scared of a little hard work.

Bye Bye Beautiful Hair.

I have beautiful hair. No really I do, see:




Completely natural ringlets. I never have to comb or brush my hair with anything more than my finger tips. Just Tea tree shampoo, no conditioner, no haircare products at all. In fact if I get out of the shower and not touch my hair in the slightest it dries looking like this. So why the hell do I have this urge to tease it, knot it and crochet it into funny looking bundles all over my head? I had dreadlocks 6 years ago, I cannot explain the feeling of having them, I cannot explain how it is that I feel more feminine with natty snakes pointing ever which way outta my head then I do with my curls blowing in the breeze. I do know however that whenever I dreadlock my hair there is usually some other big change or commitment in my life happening at the same time. So after eating some disgusting pieces of fatty pork tonight, I turned to my partner and told him, "Tommorow I become a vegetarian, again" Which is kinda messed-up cause we plan on raising rabbits for meat when we build our self-sufficient farm. Well cross that ethical blood and fur covered bridge when we get to it I guess. Wish me luck, it begins tonight...

I'm Screwing Up My Kids by Homeschooling

The other week I gave up on homeschooling for 15 minutes. I had a day of frustration in which nothing I introduced them to was sinking in, they did not seem interested at all in my perfectly laid out "this-is-what-I- want-you-to-learn-today-and-this-is-why-you-will-think-it-is-fun-and- therefore-retain-it-all-so-that-in-the afternoon-when-I-ask-you-about-it you-will-re-affirm-my-excellent-teaching-skills" lesson plan. That afternoon when my teaching ego had imploded with lack of impact, I had 15 minutes of "who do I think I am trying to teach my kids? I'm totally going to screw them up, I'm missing something important I know it. They'll have access to so much more in an institution than here." I broke down into tears telling my partner that next year I might put them into school. He calmed me down, he told me I needed more support. He told me that every teacher has bad days where they think they are not doing well enough (or I told him that as he held me and coaxed me on, that's the thing about good listeners you never know where the great advise came from). Either way, I went on the Internet the next day looking for curriculum to help me in my struggle. The Montessori was mostly from 3-6 which I would only need the tail end of. Waldorf had a great art and imagination-based math. However I was not a fan of the use of violent fairy tales in their reading curriculum. For some reason I was feeling that we needed this structure:



I teach, they listen. This is how children learn.


Being in discussions with friends who are institutional teachers, there has always been an emphasis by them on curriculum, grade level and testing. All things that are necessary within the public school system. I began to see a need for these things. I began to base my idea of learning success on the very system that I didn't believe was suitable for my daughter in the first place. How had I fallen into this trap?

I had a play date with another homeschooling mother soon after my little break-down. We were discussing how being within the community is a great place for children to learn and how it was the way children were educated in the first place. Then it dawned on me, why do we call the process of educating our children at home "homeschooling"? As if large teaching institutions (schools) always existed as the normal way to educate our children and in keeping our children with us we are in fact trying to bring this institution into our homes. Where as what we are doing is taking "schools" out of the picture and allowing our children to educate themselves via experience in the world they are inheriting. It seemed so backwards to me. Recently my 5 yrold has been telling people she's home schooled when they ask what school she goes to. Perhaps it would be a more accurate description for her to say "I don't go to school." and leave it at that.

Doulas, and The Men (Or Women) Who Stand Behind Them

It's Friday afternoon, I've been with a client since Thursday morning and it's looking like it may still be a few hours before the baby is born.

I have a 5 year old and 3 year old at home, and I know they are taken care of. I know my partner will drop them off with their grandma before his night shift starts. I know they are well fed, they have practised their music and read their books. I know that I can come home at any time after a birth, climb into bed and take a long nap.

I know that on the ride home after a traumatic birth, I can cry my eyes out. He will not ask questions that I cannot answer, he will not try to "make it better". He will just be there. As a doula I know how hard "just being there" can be.

My volunteer births take me away from my family, they take gas money from our account.

When I'm on-call, so is he. My cell phone lies between our pillows at night. We are a one car family, we have to work around my births and visits. My children are not yet old enough to stay by themselves at home, so while I am at a birth he is responsible for finding childcare if he has to go to work. We cannot travel far when a mom is 37 or more weeks.

I could not do this without him.

This weighs heavily on me. There's been this guilt nagging at me. I ask too much of him. At least I get to witness miracles for all this hard work. What does he get out of it?

Last night he told me that by supporting me in my work he felt he was doing good in the world. That this is how he helped the community.

It got me thinking... how many people are out there standing behind and holding up those who are standing behind and holding up others? How fragile and beautiful this structure is.

It's become apparent that I'm not the only one volunteering for a teenage mom in labour...my whole community is.