Small Luxuries

What I've wanted for Christmas for two years:  2 meters of super soft faux fur material.  I get it, we don't always get what we ask for.  We need to be thankful for what we do get, and I am.  But today, as I stared at the half price sale on the very gift I had been coveting for so long, I felt guilt.  Such a luxury,.  Should I spend the money?  I remembered my mother handing me cash and telling me to get myself something really nice for Christmas.  She had that "I mean it" look on her face.  So I did it.  Man, I have been looking forward to bedtime ever since.

I shall pour myself a cup of peppermint tea, light some candles, listen to music and cuddle up in my new silky soft throw and truly revel in how amazing life is that I can do this.  Eat, Pray, Love was a book I started when I left my ex, and though I have yet to finish it,  I loved how she really took time to nourish her senses, recognizing her self worth through this practise.  She deserved to feel good, she deserved to remind herself of all the good this material world had to offer.  I deserve that too.

So my friends who are also tentatively healing from heartbreak, do something luxurious for yourself. Eat your favourite dessert, buy those comfy pj's, slip on that sexy lingerie under your work clothes, choose the flavoured frothy coffee over your usual, double double.  Make plans that you look forward to.  Fall in love with your life again.

The Joy of Toys

Today I was very mindful of my thoughts, I named them and let them go.  I'm pretty proud of myself.  I also did some silly fun things. When it was quiet and all my chores were done, I took down one of each of the big kid riding toys and rode them all over the store.  I tried to Ollie the spoon toy, but being as I could never ollie a skateboard either, I gave up.  My thighs, arms and core muscles loved the workout.  I'm telling you my fellow bite sized parents: get these toys for your kids, then put your kids to bed early so you can have a fun work out.  I also (accidentally) played dominoes with the lower shelf of the craft section...  

Playing is such an important part of mental and physical health.  How appropriate that I get a toy store job at a time in my life where I need light hearted play.

Thanks A lot

One of our family rituals was to sing "thanks a lot" before the kids went to sleep.  As I became increasingly ill, the kids came and sat on my bed to sing it and sometimes I would fall asleep before their bedtime and they would sing it with Scott.

Thanks a lot, is based on Raffi's song, but we'd make up our own lyrics about what we were thankful for that day.  On our journey to finding a home, that ritual all but disappeared.  But tonight, we started again and it was beautiful.  There was no hesitation anymore, the kids gratitude slipped easily from their lips with huge smiles on their faces.  Hugs were had while we sang it.

We have daily love rituals; snuggles in my bed in the morning, making dinner together, reading a chapter of a book at night, playing a game and now reintroducing "thanks a lot".  Part of recieveing love is learning how to give it again.  Though I loved my children during this entire process, it felt like we were just getting by for a while. I often felt like all my energy was used up teaching, feeding and cleaning up after them.  The extras, they were just a bonus if I could fit them in.  Now I see how necessary they are, these bonding moments that help to give you that boost, the boost that makes lice laundry not seem so daunting.  The bonding that allows you to respond with more compassion rather than reacting with frustration when they are not listening.

Here's to love rituals and the sense of warmth they provide.

Holy Shit

Getting back on track as we settle into our daily math classes.  Independent learning projects take on lives of their own.  Originally the kids were suppose to study their favourite natural disasters, show me on the globe where they are most likely to happen, explain to me what causes them, then write a fiction short story about someone in that natural disaster and include safety steps.  Jack asked if he could show me in a play instead.  I said "Okay, as long as you write out your play."  They spent an hour this afternoon creating props(Joon has agreed to be in the play as well).

I figured out my credit card issue yesterday, got a job today.  Part time so that I can still homeschool but save some money as well.  I found a friend to be creative with, I'm going to see one of my favourite artists play in December. I'm working on a new fundraiser. My friends are awesome, supportive people.

I'm doing it.  I am living how I want to live.   I think I may have pulled it off.  Holy shit.

Money Can't Buy This Kind of Happiness

So, this month, is always the toughest financially.  Because the Family Responsibility office takes my child support off every other pay check.  Three pay check months means my child support payments are delayed. One payment only this month and of course $50.00 in lice treatments.  So yeah, we are visiting the Food bank.  But, rent will be made,  the kids have winter jackets, boots, mitts and snow pants. I'm looking for part time work at the moment, we'll see what comes up.  

None the less, even with my tightened budget,  I am happy.  I feel loved, accepted and wanted. I  finally understand friendship.  For so long I had so few friends,  and I couldn't see them very often.  

I was feeling bad about not being able to afford all the activities the children wanted to be in.  I asked my kiddos, if they were still happy that we moved, even if we don't have as much money.  They both emphatically nodded "Yes."  

I was feeling a little sorry for myself a few days ago...then a friend asked on Facebook about chronic pain and how it affects emotions.  Then as I listed all of the horrible things I was feeling during my illness; the guilt of not being able to keep up with housework, the hopelessness of no diagnosis/treatment and the feeling of being a complete burden on my partner.  It reminded me of how far I have come emotionally, of how many days I cried while I ran my bath so my children couldn't hear me.

Yep, Money's tight.  There isn't someone warming my bed at night.  But I have laughter, and conversation.  I have understanding and support.  I love these people who are in my life,  they are kind and fun, I feel like they really want to be there, like they are not hanging out with me because of some sense of duty.  They could at any point leave my life, but they don't.  They send me messages of love and encouragement, they do not judge me.  

I don't know how I would have done this without them.  I feel incredibly blessed to have these people in my life.

The heart of the house

Today I did my banking, paid my rent and went grocery shopping with my kids.  When we got home, I lit a candle in my kitchen, I asked the kids to play upstairs and I prepared our meal.  I chopped carrots and cucumbers and put them in containers for future snacks.  I cut cheese into cubes for easy eating.  I made broccoli soup, pasta and pea meal bacon (I prepared it like a roast in the oven).  My kids came downstairs, they sat at the table and chatted while I poured their soup.  I leaned down and pulled out the roasting pan and felt this warmth spread over me.  It felt like Christmas, it felt like family, it felt like home.  I felt amazing and whole. I began to cry, I was so overwhelmed by this feeling. For years stress and conflict surrounded the kitchen, surrounded food preparation and cleaning.  I forgot how satisfying cooking a meal for your family can be, how food can be translated into love.  My children understood, they saw my tears and my smile and My daughter said: "Happy Thanksgiving mommy, thank you for making us this meal."  We all knew it wasn't our thanksgiving, but she felt it too.  We cleaned up together and ate forgotten gelato for dessert.   Another piece of me healed today,  we healed together today as a family.  We are going to be alright.  We are going to be just fine.

More friends

Running behind, looks like we'll be home late on the 8th.  Met a man who has been travelling for the last year through working for room and food.  Great for someone without kids, but until my kids can pitch in, not really an option for me, but cool idea none the less.

Two hour long conversation with Ben, who's wife is a midwife.  Touching onFrank Breech, writing epiphanies, being in-lone with yourself.   I have really been enjoying conversation and connections with males in which there is no possibility of a sexual relationship.  The conversation continues simply out of the enjoyment of itself, of sharing ideas and experiences. Why in most instances did I assume that the males to which I am speaking main reasons for continuing conversations with me is sexual interest?  Why can't I attribute it to the fact that they may really be enjoying the conversation?  Were these thoughts because I'm trying to protect myself from being hurt and feeling fooled?  Are they because I no longer feel that I am an interesting enough person to hold a conversation with, without the possibility of a sexual relationship building?  Perhaps a bit of both.  We'll see when I leave my train bubble, whether or not this assumption creeps back over me during my next few conversations with males who are not sexually available.