I'm Screwing Up My Kids by Homeschooling

The other week I gave up on homeschooling for 15 minutes. I had a day of frustration in which nothing I introduced them to was sinking in, they did not seem interested at all in my perfectly laid out "this-is-what-I- want-you-to-learn-today-and-this-is-why-you-will-think-it-is-fun-and- therefore-retain-it-all-so-that-in-the afternoon-when-I-ask-you-about-it you-will-re-affirm-my-excellent-teaching-skills" lesson plan. That afternoon when my teaching ego had imploded with lack of impact, I had 15 minutes of "who do I think I am trying to teach my kids? I'm totally going to screw them up, I'm missing something important I know it. They'll have access to so much more in an institution than here." I broke down into tears telling my partner that next year I might put them into school. He calmed me down, he told me I needed more support. He told me that every teacher has bad days where they think they are not doing well enough (or I told him that as he held me and coaxed me on, that's the thing about good listeners you never know where the great advise came from). Either way, I went on the Internet the next day looking for curriculum to help me in my struggle. The Montessori was mostly from 3-6 which I would only need the tail end of. Waldorf had a great art and imagination-based math. However I was not a fan of the use of violent fairy tales in their reading curriculum. For some reason I was feeling that we needed this structure:



I teach, they listen. This is how children learn.


Being in discussions with friends who are institutional teachers, there has always been an emphasis by them on curriculum, grade level and testing. All things that are necessary within the public school system. I began to see a need for these things. I began to base my idea of learning success on the very system that I didn't believe was suitable for my daughter in the first place. How had I fallen into this trap?

I had a play date with another homeschooling mother soon after my little break-down. We were discussing how being within the community is a great place for children to learn and how it was the way children were educated in the first place. Then it dawned on me, why do we call the process of educating our children at home "homeschooling"? As if large teaching institutions (schools) always existed as the normal way to educate our children and in keeping our children with us we are in fact trying to bring this institution into our homes. Where as what we are doing is taking "schools" out of the picture and allowing our children to educate themselves via experience in the world they are inheriting. It seemed so backwards to me. Recently my 5 yrold has been telling people she's home schooled when they ask what school she goes to. Perhaps it would be a more accurate description for her to say "I don't go to school." and leave it at that.

Doulas, and The Men (Or Women) Who Stand Behind Them

It's Friday afternoon, I've been with a client since Thursday morning and it's looking like it may still be a few hours before the baby is born.

I have a 5 year old and 3 year old at home, and I know they are taken care of. I know my partner will drop them off with their grandma before his night shift starts. I know they are well fed, they have practised their music and read their books. I know that I can come home at any time after a birth, climb into bed and take a long nap.

I know that on the ride home after a traumatic birth, I can cry my eyes out. He will not ask questions that I cannot answer, he will not try to "make it better". He will just be there. As a doula I know how hard "just being there" can be.

My volunteer births take me away from my family, they take gas money from our account.

When I'm on-call, so is he. My cell phone lies between our pillows at night. We are a one car family, we have to work around my births and visits. My children are not yet old enough to stay by themselves at home, so while I am at a birth he is responsible for finding childcare if he has to go to work. We cannot travel far when a mom is 37 or more weeks.

I could not do this without him.

This weighs heavily on me. There's been this guilt nagging at me. I ask too much of him. At least I get to witness miracles for all this hard work. What does he get out of it?

Last night he told me that by supporting me in my work he felt he was doing good in the world. That this is how he helped the community.

It got me thinking... how many people are out there standing behind and holding up those who are standing behind and holding up others? How fragile and beautiful this structure is.

It's become apparent that I'm not the only one volunteering for a teenage mom in labour...my whole community is.

Vikings and Homeschooling

I've been feeling like I've been slacking a bit with homeschooling. Child-led learning is great, though sometimes the child does not seem to want to lead, or to stay on any particular path for longer than 15 minutes. So we've been playing lots of card games, computer reading games and doing Christmas crafts. Today, after Super Why on kids CBC, the show Are We There Yet? came on. They were visiting Iceland. They played on a longboat, went to a traditional thatched/sod home, ate traditional bread cooked over a fire the played games. So to get the kids excited I took them outside to play some of these games. One was arm wrestling. It's done standing on a plank of wood, you bow, grab opposite hands and try to force your opponent to step off the plank by arm wrestling them. Then the really fun one, place a pillow case over each child's head give them each a pillow. Heh, heh I love homeschooling! We also pretended to row a long boat across the North Atlantic from Norway to Iceland (of course we ran into mermaids on the way). Then we made this simple longboat craft:
We cut a rectangle in construction paper.

Folded it in half and cut it on angles on either side.

Taped the ends together.

Taped a sail to a mast made of a toothpick.

We placed play-doh in the boat to hold it open and hold up the mast. Then poked toothpicks through the side of the ship for oars.

Ta-dah!

Then we made a representation of Norway, the North Atlantic and Iceland for the kids to sail/row their longboats across. Then the play-doh was spotted and that lesson was over.

Hard Times

So here it goes. Deep breath and just say it. I'm poor. Money has been an issue since I split with my husband. I did receive back-pay from CTB and I used it to buy Bunk beds so my kids didn't have to sleep on the floor on a mattress. I purchased toys (many of their toys stayed at their father's) and children's clothes. I also purchased teaching tools, a camera to film classes and births and a cheap laptop so that when I'm stuck in town after busing the kids in for a "daddy day" I can do some work. I paid to take some workshops to update my breastfeeding knowledge. Granted, I still have those things and they have been useful and have allowed me to make some money but class participation has been low and not just for me, the health unit's classes numbers have been dwindling as well. After doing my taxes for 2007 and 2008 I was told that I received a cheque for something I wasn't suppose to and now I owe it all back. So I've been putting off doing my taxes for 2009, knowing that I was going to owe more money once I did, because the government sent me money I never asked for. There is also an arrangement for child support that is 2/3's less than it should be in order to cover my end of signing my portion the house over to my ex's mother.

I quit my part-time job, to focus on teaching, doulaing and my kids. I figured with some investment of time, energy and education, I could make this work. Well I couldn't. There I said it, I'm failing. I think that's the hardest part. My partner and I have an agreement, he pays the bills, I pay for gas and food. Well, I have 2 more weeks of food to buy and only 1 weeks worth of money to do it before I get my next support cheque. To keep up my end, I'm going to have to go to the food bank. I've been there before. There was a time as a single mother that it was necessary. What's worse is that last week my partner made a negative comment about people putting bank's food into the backs of their new trucks. I explained that they could have thought their job was secure when they bought the vehicle only to be laid-off a couple of months later and now they couldn't possibly sell it for the amount that they owe. We have a fairly new car (purchased only months before his wife left) and now we are in the same boat. I've mentioned that I may have to go to the food bank this month, he just says "No, we'll be fine."

I'd like to say that I'm not too proud to go there, but there is a part of me that is ashamed. I don't know why, I don't look down on anyone who goes there. I guess I'm worried about my business and what it says about me as a doula if I have to go to the food bank to feed my family. I'm also worried about my partner, who I believe has a harder time with the idea of going to the food bank than I do.

I usually like to end my posts with something uplifting, or at least some way that I intend to fix things. I'll do my taxes and perhaps now, the amount the government owes me in CTB will equal to the amount that I owe them and I'll break even. Then come January I'll be able to receive my CTB on a regular basis and once again be able to feed my family without assistance.

Organizedwisdom: Is Your Profile A Boobytrap?

Yep, that's right. I get this very flattering email from a professional rep at http://www.organizedwisdom.com/ telling me that I have been chosen as an "expert curator" in my doula field. I'm like ummmmm, I'm new, not an expert. So I sent them a nice email thanking them very much and telling them that in 2 years or 25 more births I would be happy to carry this label, but until then no thank you.



So I click on the links given to me in this email, to see what is offered to Expert Curators. Then I see my profile "Top Doula" and I'm gushing a little inside. Then I see what's above it. An Enfamil advertisement. FUCK. I hate that. I mean I've stopped following people on twitter who link breastfeeding info with formula ads. I always email "birth/breastfeeding experts" who's sites have formula advertising (these emails are not always very nice), and there it is right over my smiling twitter picture a great big neon sign HYPOCRITE. Granted I make no money from these ads, nor did I approve them or neglect to block them, but the thought of a mother seeing that ad and associating it with my name or even the title doula makes me feel sick inside.



So I re-emailed the professional rep. and let them know that I did not want to be associated with a site that promotes formula to pregnant mothers and to take my profile down. I checked 20 minutes later but my profile was still there. Yech. I wonder, is there anything I can really do about this? Short of hiring a lawyer that is?

Update: The email I sent was effective and was replied to the next day:
www.organizedwisdom.com has agreed to take the formula ad off of the profile pages. I cut and pasted the actual e-mail in my comments since for some reason it will not allow me to cut and paste it into my blog.

So you call yourself a Lactation Consultant?

What is an Lactation Consultant? Is it simply someone who offer consultations about breastfeeding? Someone who you see at a hospital breastfeeding clinic? Perhaps someone who comes to your home to assist you if you are having breastfeeding challenges? A doula who helps you recognise a good latch after your birth? Well yes, all of these people could call themselves lactation consultants, because there is no strict definition of lactation consultant. In fact a nurse with very little to no breastfeeding education can receive the title of LC by the hospital administration, then work in the hospital's breastfeeding clinic and give out all the uneducated advise she wants to desperate mothers.

There are different levels of lactation education someone can receive, for example Doulas Of North America will not certify a doula with less than 4 hours of breastfeeding education, that said, DONA discourages a doula from also than calling herself an LC, unless she chooses further lactation education and distinguishes her doula credentials from her LC credentials. So just because you have a doula does not mean that they have more than 4 hours breastfeeding education. That said, I know doulas who have taken multiple breastfeeding workshops and are capable of assisting mothers with many breastfeeding challenges.

La Leche League leaders offer breastfeeding support. A LLL leader refers to the support she offers as "mother to mother" rather than a consultation. Most leaders will even meet you at your home. LLL leaders are passionate about breastfeeding, have breastfed, take 6-12 month training course that covers parenting philosophies as well as human lactation. LLL leaders also have a network that allows easy access to IBCLCs for consultation.

In order to be an IBCLC your must pass a gruelling lactation exam, have at least 300 hours lactation specific clinical hours as well as at least 45 hours of lactation education (recommended 90-160 hours) as well as taken courses in:
Biology
Human Anatomy
Human Physiology
Infant and Child Growth and Development
Nutrition
Psychology or Counseling or Communication Skills
Introduction to Research
Sociology or Cultural Sensitivity or Cultural Anthropology.

So my advise to moms who are experiencing breastfeeding challenges, ASK your LC "What formal lactation education do you have?"

If everything seems to be going ok and you just want someone there to support you, help you recognise a good latch and offer breastfeeding support contacts then a 4 hour course will usually suffice. Also when you are able to get out and about La Leche League meetings are an excellent source for breastfeeding and parenting info.

If your nipples are cracked and sore and you need some one on one help with latch correction an 18-20hr breastfeeding course covers the basic challenges of breastfeeding as does the LLL training series.

If you have a baby that will not latch, sore nipples when the latch is "good", continuous weight loss despite fixing the latch, trying to wean from formula supplementation to exclusive breastfeeding, a LLL leader may still be able to help you while consulting a IBCLC in her network, and one that can't will refer you directly to an IBCLC.

Do not be fooled by a name tag that says LC, ask questions about their education and whether or not they will refer you to an IBCLC if your breastfeeding situation does not improve.

Marketing and Breastfeeding, Who Hasn't Been Duped?

So I've been thinking and re-thinking this formula-guilt issue. First things first: I do not feel that moms who choose to formula feed are bad mothers or that they do not care about their children's health. Now that this has been said, let's get to the titty gritty here. Not to generalize too much because every mother's story is different, but I do find there are 3 main reasons that mothers choose to formula feed:

1. The mothers have tried to breastfeed and due to circumstances beyond their control (formula friendly hospital practises, no family support, a lack of lactation professionals in their area, poor advise from a medical caregiver and in very rare circumstances the mother is physically unable to produce enough milk on her own to solely meet her baby's nutritional requirements) have "chosen" to formula feed. Let's face it though, in many of those circumstances moms don't feel as if there is a choice.

2.The mothers who after hearing or witnessing the circumstances of the mothers in group #1 decide to fore go breastfeeding altogether believing that formula is a perfectly safe alternative.

3. The mothers who have suffered from body image issues and/or have been sexually abused and cannot see their breasts as anything other than sexual objects.

And after reading those reasons, who can blame them? They certainly should not be blaming themselves. After all, formula companies have been doing an amazing job of convincing families for 50 years that not only is formula as good as breast milk, that it is better. Take a good look at a formula commercial; big healthy happy baby crawling on immaculately clean carpets, with beautiful and well put together mother. Now I want you to recall the big healthy happy breastfed baby commercials have you seen on t.v., you know the ones done by expensive marketing companies. The ones that play before after and during "A Baby Story"? The ones that directly market to pregnant mothers? According to research a mother chooses how she will feed her baby when she is pregnant. OH WAIT, There are no breastfeeding commercials made by top advertising companies. Those are all formula advertisements. Even a breastfeeding site I was on the other day had a Nestle formula add on it. I wrote them an email (perhaps one that was a bit too harsh) and they apologized saying sometimes they get "slipped in" and they are not aware of it. So yeah, there are government sponsored breastfeeding posters in our area and all the models in them are small breasted, small waisted and white. Even in nourishing our babies we have an advertised difficult if not impossible to obtain "norm" to conform to. So anyways back to me and my opinions. So in jumps the self-righteous part of me "I saw those commercials and I still chose what's best for my baby, blah blah, blah." Okay, so maybe I did- but to pretend that I have not been convinced by a marketing company to use something that was unhealthy either physically or emotionally would be dishonest. To say that I have not made poor choices for my baby's and my health based on a caregiver's advise would also be a lie. For example:

I woke up this morning and after doing my usual brush teeth tame hair thang, I put on mascara. This is because I believe it makes me more attractive. because I have been convinced that my eyelashes are not long or dark enough on their own, that I must purchase and apply product to my face because it is not perfect enough as is.

I used a moisturizer with cancer causing ingredients when I was pregnant so that I would have less stretchmarks (got to remember to stay sexy while taking part in the miracle of life) I didn't know that the ingredients were toxic at the time, but I didn't bother looking them up either. After all, who would sell something that could increase the risk of cancer and other health issues to a pregnant woman?

I agreed to a cesarean with my breech baby because I had been told by an OBGYN that this was the safest route for my baby to be born. A few years later this recommendation changed because it was deemed not to be the safest way for a breech baby to be born, due to the complications for mother and baby associated with cesarean delivery.

So here I sit. 1.Believing that my body is not good enough on it's own, 2. Also believing that products advertised for mothers and babies are safe and healthy and 3. having made a poor choice for my baby and I based on a health care provider's advise. I can say truthfully, I too have been duped. Do I feel guilty? No. Do I feel angry? Yes. Am I going to attack other victims of this type of deceit? No. Am I going to attack women who weren't as deceived as me? Nope. So what am I going to do with this anger and knowledge?

I am going to take more courses on breastfeeding and educate whoever will listen.
I am going to let every person in my life know that they are beautiful exactly as they are.
I am going to teach my children to not take everything at face value, to ask questions and to take responsibility for their choices.
I am not going to support companies who's products and advertisements are damaging physically and emotionally.
I am not going to join in on this back and forth bashing of breastfeeding vs formula feeding mothers. As long as we fight amongst ourselves on this one symptom we cannot unite against the disease. The disease of markets that profit solely on the belief that our bodies are not good enough, not good enough to be sexually attractive, not good enough to give birth and not good enough to nourish our babies afterwards. A simple statement that could bring down this entire empire of insecurity "Not only are we good enough, we are better just the way we are."