Thanks A lot

One of our family rituals was to sing "thanks a lot" before the kids went to sleep.  As I became increasingly ill, the kids came and sat on my bed to sing it and sometimes I would fall asleep before their bedtime and they would sing it with Scott.

Thanks a lot, is based on Raffi's song, but we'd make up our own lyrics about what we were thankful for that day.  On our journey to finding a home, that ritual all but disappeared.  But tonight, we started again and it was beautiful.  There was no hesitation anymore, the kids gratitude slipped easily from their lips with huge smiles on their faces.  Hugs were had while we sang it.

We have daily love rituals; snuggles in my bed in the morning, making dinner together, reading a chapter of a book at night, playing a game and now reintroducing "thanks a lot".  Part of recieveing love is learning how to give it again.  Though I loved my children during this entire process, it felt like we were just getting by for a while. I often felt like all my energy was used up teaching, feeding and cleaning up after them.  The extras, they were just a bonus if I could fit them in.  Now I see how necessary they are, these bonding moments that help to give you that boost, the boost that makes lice laundry not seem so daunting.  The bonding that allows you to respond with more compassion rather than reacting with frustration when they are not listening.

Here's to love rituals and the sense of warmth they provide.

Holy Shit

Getting back on track as we settle into our daily math classes.  Independent learning projects take on lives of their own.  Originally the kids were suppose to study their favourite natural disasters, show me on the globe where they are most likely to happen, explain to me what causes them, then write a fiction short story about someone in that natural disaster and include safety steps.  Jack asked if he could show me in a play instead.  I said "Okay, as long as you write out your play."  They spent an hour this afternoon creating props(Joon has agreed to be in the play as well).

I figured out my credit card issue yesterday, got a job today.  Part time so that I can still homeschool but save some money as well.  I found a friend to be creative with, I'm going to see one of my favourite artists play in December. I'm working on a new fundraiser. My friends are awesome, supportive people.

I'm doing it.  I am living how I want to live.   I think I may have pulled it off.  Holy shit.

Money Can't Buy This Kind of Happiness

So, this month, is always the toughest financially.  Because the Family Responsibility office takes my child support off every other pay check.  Three pay check months means my child support payments are delayed. One payment only this month and of course $50.00 in lice treatments.  So yeah, we are visiting the Food bank.  But, rent will be made,  the kids have winter jackets, boots, mitts and snow pants. I'm looking for part time work at the moment, we'll see what comes up.  

None the less, even with my tightened budget,  I am happy.  I feel loved, accepted and wanted. I  finally understand friendship.  For so long I had so few friends,  and I couldn't see them very often.  

I was feeling bad about not being able to afford all the activities the children wanted to be in.  I asked my kiddos, if they were still happy that we moved, even if we don't have as much money.  They both emphatically nodded "Yes."  

I was feeling a little sorry for myself a few days ago...then a friend asked on Facebook about chronic pain and how it affects emotions.  Then as I listed all of the horrible things I was feeling during my illness; the guilt of not being able to keep up with housework, the hopelessness of no diagnosis/treatment and the feeling of being a complete burden on my partner.  It reminded me of how far I have come emotionally, of how many days I cried while I ran my bath so my children couldn't hear me.

Yep, Money's tight.  There isn't someone warming my bed at night.  But I have laughter, and conversation.  I have understanding and support.  I love these people who are in my life,  they are kind and fun, I feel like they really want to be there, like they are not hanging out with me because of some sense of duty.  They could at any point leave my life, but they don't.  They send me messages of love and encouragement, they do not judge me.  

I don't know how I would have done this without them.  I feel incredibly blessed to have these people in my life.