Monday, March 28, 2016

Making Space

If I want good things to come into my life, I need to make space for them.  First, in my heart, by acknowledging I deserve good things to happen to me.  Second, in my mind: getting rid of the clutter of my fearful thoughts.  Third, in my body: to keep in great shape the vessel through which I will experience all these good things which I deserve.  Fourth, in my environment: Do I want more visits from friends? I will want a tidy house and chairs to seat them... Do I want to live a simpler life? Then I will need to simplify my environment by getting rid of possessions I do not need. Do I want to travel? Then I should make my luggage easily available.  

I will set myself up to be ready for all that I want and the opportunities to have these things will present themselves.  I'm not trying to convince myself of this, I know that this is how it works.  This is how I flourished in my challenging times of leaving my last relationship.  I cleared everything negative out of my life and focused on getting free and healthy and I did. 

It's time to do that again.

Whenever I lose sight of this, Life leads me back around to people and places who remind me that anything is possible.

Thank you Life.

Now to get back to the practical work:  Cleaning out the clutter in my room and storage to make space for a simpler life and easier travel.  

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Sore Fingers, Happy Heart.

Last night I picked up my guitar and I played both blissfully and clumsily.  I remembered riffs from 13 years ago, and the strange half chords I would make up to get certain sounds.  I have not picked up "the lady" as was my term of endearment for it, more than 6 times in the last 10 years.  It felt amazing. I almost started to cry because I honestly thought I would never regain full use of my hands  after my illness, in which they were weak and responded in delayed ways.

Then I sang, we sang together, the lady and I.  I began writing a song.  A song all by myself.  I did not need a co-writer and a voice inside me said, "pay attention to this... "

I put it out there I wanted to be musical and create again, I found people to do this with and they found me.  Though I have to travel 45 minutes south to get to these jam sessions, they have been pivotal in my self confidence and a source of inspiration.  I am truly grateful to be welcomed into such an open and supportive space.

My life doesn't feel "busy" anymore.  When the things I am doing and the people I am surrounded by give me a sense of fulfillment, I feel like my life expands to create space for it.  I feel like it is effortless.

I am truly grateful to my new friends who have welcomed me into their musical space with no judgement. I don't think they truly understand the positive impact it has had on my life.  

Monday, March 21, 2016

Ovary Rodeo

My ovaries can be very persuasive.  You see for 10 days of every month my body wants to make a baby.  So my brain starts looking for baby daddies, suddenly every man who is nice to me and attractive, becomes VERY attractive.  My brain starts up fantasies about the greatness of said baby daddy possibility(ies).  Take note that logical conscious brain is very much not wanting a baby and ovaries are ignoring the clamps infront of them in an act of dillusional defiance. This month was particularily tough for me because my usual deterrent of "I'm still grieving my ex." is completely gone, as is the "I'm still too fucked up to attempt a relationship." excuse as well.  

What did I learn this month? 

I learned that my ovaries are a strong force to be reckoned with.  The biological urge to procreate isn't very logical.  I also learned that I'm attracted to people for many different reasons, and that I have to take the time to get to know which reasons before deciding on anything beyond casual friendship.  I do believe that we are attracted to people we are meant to learn from. However, not all lessons need be learned via a romantic relationship.  When I was younger attraction was attraction, there were no distinctions, and whoever I was attracted to I wanted to posess sexually and conceptually.  I wonder how many amazing friendships I missed out on, or how many horrible relationships I didn't miss out on.  But I don't wonder/wander too much because that is a waste of my precious brain time.  

I think also the fact that I have grown to love my time alone as well as my time bonding with my kids makes it easier for me not to jump at every attraction I have.  I no longer have this fear of missing the boat or one getting away.  I'd rather take my time and feel things out, if nothing romantic comes of it then that's okay, I'll just curl up on my couch and crochet beautiful blankets while watching Doctor Who, or maybe have a sleepover with my kiddos where we take turns reading Sherlock Holmes to one another.

I have always been attracted to people who can hold good conversations and think outside of the box.  I can just imagine all the great friendships I am going to build and maintain from this point on, I just need to rope in those ovaries of mine.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Don't Give Up.-when group therapy becomes painful

So there's a women's group that I go to at the local women's shelter.  Before when I left, I would feel peace.  Now when I leave I feel disturbed and tense.

This is actually a good thing.

When I first went I was very self centered, as is what naturally happens when you are in crisis.  You enter survival mode.  You come into this place where people are willing to listen to and validate your feelings and you feel like you are in heaven.  There is such a feeling of comfort and support, it is an excersize in contrasts.  But over time you begin to take more responsibility for your healing and you begin to see that after the adrenalin wears off, it can be a slow and arduous process.  Often you feel worse before you feel better.

Discussing subjects that are triggers in a safe environment, though tough work, is essential for healing. Now I leave asking myself: Okay, what triggered these negative emotions?  Which story, comment etc caused this emotional reaction?  When my answer comes I know what it is I have to work on.  I know which wounds need more care. Perhaps I just need a good cry to let go of the pain associated with that wound.  Maybe I need to call a friend or family member who's great at listening,  perhaps I need to journal?  Is this something I can deal with without professional help, or do I need to book a counsellor's appointment?  

There was a point where I was asking myself:  how is it serving me to go there if I leave feeling worse then when I came?     

I decided to keep trying.  I decided to lean into the sharp parts, as one of my friends put it.  It worked.
I have had many a cry after the groups, but then I usually do something nice for myself shortly afterwards.  I eat an amazing meal, do some yoga and/or take a long hot bath.  The group gives you permission to indulge yourself in healthy ways. In fact it's often in the homework assignment: "Do something good for yourself this week." The facilitator tells us as we put away the markers and pack up our hand outs.

I want to end this post with a wrap up statement...but it's not coming to me.  Perhaps when I am on
the other side of this process one will come to me, but for now I will leave this as a work in progress,
just like I am.


Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Seemingly Coincidental Series of Events

So I see his name and from deep in my chest this explosion of fear spreads across my whole body. Then I hear a song that reminds me of him and I'm all like at least it isn't take me to church, which reminds me of him so much.  Then that's the next song.  All while I'm trying to figure out why I live in so much fear of him.  When I'm trying to look within and admit that the fear is of myself.  I fear I will love him when I see him, I fear I will forget all the hell I went through and want him back.  I fear that I won't love him but I will fall back into who I was, that suddenly I will be that insecure frightened girl again.  I fear the unknown.  All the while I try to tell myself: 

He can't hurt me without my permission.  
He can't hurt me without my permission.  
He can't hurt me without my permission.  

I need to solidify myself again.  I need to stand in my strength, it's been waning, I haven't been feeding myself in the ways I know I should.  

I asked to be able to call a healthy romantic relationship into my life.  I guess in order to do this, I have to face this part of my healing.  I need to believe in myself.  Because if I still fear He could make me lose myself again, what is to stop any other romantic partner from doing the same?

Bingo.

Thanks seemingly coincidental sequential series of events that completely ruined my appetite.  I get it now. Solidify, build my self worth.  Build it up so high that there is no question as to whether or not I will  ever accept that I deserve demeaning hurtful treatment. It has to be a resounding and confident "No."  That's when I'll be ready.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Old thoughts

Part of me believed that all romantic relationships lead to confinement.

That I must give up my ability to simply say, "I'm going out now." 
Or to take a trip, spend money and even raise my children as I see fit.  

Part of me believed that once I began a sexual relationship I would give up my power. That I would invest everything into maintaining said relationship. I feared I would become needy and easy to manipulate.

I believed, once I become sexually involved with someone I must no longer be open to the possibility of meeting another who may suit me more than my current lover and vice versa. 

 I did not know how not to commit myself whole heartedly to someone else, even when they were not committed to me, even when it clearly wasn't working.

Not anymore.  I do not and will not belong to anyone, EVER.  Nor will they belong to me.  Partners in a relationship should always feel like they can move in a different direction if their heart tells them, they should not deny each other or themselves the possible happiness of a better relationship or life lesson with someone else.  This does not mean that a long term working relationship in which my lover and I choose to live together and share responsibilities is wrong, it means that if I feel I need to leave, my partner shouldn't try to get me to stay for their own sake, nor should I do that to them.  I also should not force myself to stay because of an old belief system. I will not stand in the way of their path, just as they should not stand in the way of mine.  I believe this is possible for me now.  I believe this/these person/people exist(s). I believe there are people out there that suit my life style and will be fun and exciting to be around.




Tuesday, March 1, 2016

I'm Back

Last night I prayed, I prayed to be able to feel compassion again.  I sobbed and I prayed.

It takes courage and vulnerability to be compassionate.  I had built a tight wall around my heart, and began to only see others' negative feelings as warning signals, with only two choices: fix it or hide. I asked yesterday for help finding my compassion again, and I found it.  Today was such a great day with my kids, even though we were sick and tired, we did it!  We were a loving team, supportive when one of us was lagging, asking again patiently when someone had forgotten.  I didn't feel anxious or impatient with them.   I honestly could see their struggles and not take on their emotions.

I didn't realize how self-protective I had become, I just felt guilty at my lack of patience. I was going through the motions of what compassion looks like, but I wasn't really feeling it.  This opens my eyes quite a bit to the struggles of others who grew up self-protecting.  Unable to see another's negative emotions as anything other than warning signals, it took me nearly a year to get back my compassion after only 5 years of an unhealthy relationship.  Being raised in an emotionally unhealthy environment... Who knows how deep that scarring would go.

I really felt lost without it.  I felt like I was adrift in shifting emotions, grasping for this concept that once guided me entirely.  I understood it intellectually, but I just couldn't get at it.  I knew I should be compassionate, and that it was a good feeling, not this hollow guilt that arose after I snapped at my friend, son or daughter.

Once again right before a huge step forward in healing, I felt horrible, insecure and I couldn't even base it on my hormones.

I'm really looking forward to becoming my old self again, or at least that part of my old self.