So here it goes. Deep breath and just say it. I'm poor. Money has been an issue since I split with my husband. I did receive back-pay from CTB and I used it to buy Bunk beds so my kids didn't have to sleep on the floor on a mattress. I purchased toys (many of their toys stayed at their father's) and children's clothes. I also purchased teaching tools, a camera to film classes and births and a cheap laptop so that when I'm stuck in town after busing the kids in for a "daddy day" I can do some work. I paid to take some workshops to update my breastfeeding knowledge. Granted, I still have those things and they have been useful and have allowed me to make some money but class participation has been low and not just for me, the health unit's classes numbers have been dwindling as well. After doing my taxes for 2007 and 2008 I was told that I received a cheque for something I wasn't suppose to and now I owe it all back. So I've been putting off doing my taxes for 2009, knowing that I was going to owe more money once I did, because the government sent me money I never asked for. There is also an arrangement for child support that is 2/3's less than it should be in order to cover my end of signing my portion the house over to my ex's mother.
I quit my part-time job, to focus on teaching, doulaing and my kids. I figured with some investment of time, energy and education, I could make this work. Well I couldn't. There I said it, I'm failing. I think that's the hardest part. My partner and I have an agreement, he pays the bills, I pay for gas and food. Well, I have 2 more weeks of food to buy and only 1 weeks worth of money to do it before I get my next support cheque. To keep up my end, I'm going to have to go to the food bank. I've been there before. There was a time as a single mother that it was necessary. What's worse is that last week my partner made a negative comment about people putting bank's food into the backs of their new trucks. I explained that they could have thought their job was secure when they bought the vehicle only to be laid-off a couple of months later and now they couldn't possibly sell it for the amount that they owe. We have a fairly new car (purchased only months before his wife left) and now we are in the same boat. I've mentioned that I may have to go to the food bank this month, he just says "No, we'll be fine."
I'd like to say that I'm not too proud to go there, but there is a part of me that is ashamed. I don't know why, I don't look down on anyone who goes there. I guess I'm worried about my business and what it says about me as a doula if I have to go to the food bank to feed my family. I'm also worried about my partner, who I believe has a harder time with the idea of going to the food bank than I do.
I usually like to end my posts with something uplifting, or at least some way that I intend to fix things. I'll do my taxes and perhaps now, the amount the government owes me in CTB will equal to the amount that I owe them and I'll break even. Then come January I'll be able to receive my CTB on a regular basis and once again be able to feed my family without assistance.