I watched Wonder Woman and something crumbled in me. I realized that I couldn't love the people closest to me. My children the exception. However, to people who are physically close and people who are blood related, anyone I feel there is any obligation to love them, I have become so cold, so hard. I only saw them for the emotional energy they would need, I saw them as points for potential conflict and heartache.
See, I wasn't broken by my last love, I was built. I am so built, that the more scared I am, the calmer I look on the outside. I can look a friend in the eye and say to him calmly:
I'm totally triggered right now, I need to know that we are cool.
Then as my chest feels like it is imploding, I can stride to the washroom, take 3 deep breaths, tell myself I'm safe and carry on.
I literally lose the use of my legs and the ability to speak while out at a pub and I smile, and write notes about it with emoji faces.
It's so easy to hold it together, when you are too scared to fall apart.
Show no negative emotion.
You are safer when you look calm.
Don't relax and don't feel loved.
Love is the illusion that keeps you where you get hurt
Don't let your guard down.
Love the people who are too far away to hurt you.
Love the people you owe nothing to.
I can very calmly describe horrific things that have happened to me. My vocabulary increases exponentially, my posture pristine. I cross my legs, fold my hands in my lap and use proper terminology:
trauma, triggers, adrenalin, fight or flight,
disassociation.
My body tells one story while my insides scream another.
I desperately need to break down in front of someone who loves me.
I need to crumble into their arms and
I need for them to not get angry at me for it.
I know some people who think that I am invincible,
I used to want to be invincible,
Now I want to be strong instead.
