As the full moon grows, I am becoming acutely aware of my intensions, my goals. What do I want to focus on? I wrote a prayer, that I be able to find and accept love when I am ready for it. I said it repeatedly aloud, with my eyelids clenched tight (I think this makes my prayers more effective, could be a raised Catholic thing) then I looked at an oracle card, (not a raised Catholic thing) it told me that I can't always get what I want, but I will get what I need. So of course I had to read it again, but in Mick Jagger's voice. I had several offers to do really fun things this weekend. I could have made them happen. But something inside of me is telling me to keep it low key. That these things are going to pull me away from my path. Now is the time to focus, not party. It is time for me to invest in what makes me warm and safe. It is time to walk the path of my goals. Which means staying home and studying, reinvesting in proven friendships, excersize, stretch, eat well, wrap myself in blankets and if I do go out, don't stay out late.
I think I'm entering a social hibernation of sorts. My room finally feels homelike. I don't really want to leave it at night. I have proven to myself that I can go out, be social and enjoy it. I always try to face my fears, so that one has been looked in the eye many times. I'm not scared of being alone or lacking in entertainment. I no longer feel the need to distract myself from uncomfortable emotions.
So tonight as I lit some candles and set my intensions for the next cycle, I noticed that I no longer had use for that prayer, infact, love would distract me from the goals I was trying to obtain. I simply do not have the space for it right now. I don't think I have ever felt that way my entire life. Have I been scared of love? Oh yes. However, honestly feeling that it is completely unnecessary, that I simply love where I am going, who I am becoming, so much, that I don't want a relationship? Not since before I was a teenager, maybe even before that.
This was a monumentous occasion. So I celebrated with another round of G1 testing on the Internet.
Now I shall lie down on my luxurious camping mat, covered in warm blankets staring out of my huge
bay window at the full moon. My life is going to be full of travel, adventure, writing, art and family and I am doing everything that needs to be done right now to make that happen. Even the sky is no limit.