Today I was very mindful of my thoughts, I named them and let them go. I'm pretty proud of myself. I also did some silly fun things. When it was quiet and all my chores were done, I took down one of each of the big kid riding toys and rode them all over the store. I tried to Ollie the spoon toy, but being as I could never ollie a skateboard either, I gave up. My thighs, arms and core muscles loved the workout. I'm telling you my fellow bite sized parents: get these toys for your kids, then put your kids to bed early so you can have a fun work out. I also (accidentally) played dominoes with the lower shelf of the craft section...
Playing is such an important part of mental and physical health. How appropriate that I get a toy store job at a time in my life where I need light hearted play.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Thanks A lot
One of our family rituals was to sing "thanks a lot" before the kids went to sleep. As I became increasingly ill, the kids came and sat on my bed to sing it and sometimes I would fall asleep before their bedtime and they would sing it with Scott.
Thanks a lot, is based on Raffi's song, but we'd make up our own lyrics about what we were thankful for that day. On our journey to finding a home, that ritual all but disappeared. But tonight, we started again and it was beautiful. There was no hesitation anymore, the kids gratitude slipped easily from their lips with huge smiles on their faces. Hugs were had while we sang it.
We have daily love rituals; snuggles in my bed in the morning, making dinner together, reading a chapter of a book at night, playing a game and now reintroducing "thanks a lot". Part of recieveing love is learning how to give it again. Though I loved my children during this entire process, it felt like we were just getting by for a while. I often felt like all my energy was used up teaching, feeding and cleaning up after them. The extras, they were just a bonus if I could fit them in. Now I see how necessary they are, these bonding moments that help to give you that boost, the boost that makes lice laundry not seem so daunting. The bonding that allows you to respond with more compassion rather than reacting with frustration when they are not listening.
Here's to love rituals and the sense of warmth they provide.
Thanks a lot, is based on Raffi's song, but we'd make up our own lyrics about what we were thankful for that day. On our journey to finding a home, that ritual all but disappeared. But tonight, we started again and it was beautiful. There was no hesitation anymore, the kids gratitude slipped easily from their lips with huge smiles on their faces. Hugs were had while we sang it.
We have daily love rituals; snuggles in my bed in the morning, making dinner together, reading a chapter of a book at night, playing a game and now reintroducing "thanks a lot". Part of recieveing love is learning how to give it again. Though I loved my children during this entire process, it felt like we were just getting by for a while. I often felt like all my energy was used up teaching, feeding and cleaning up after them. The extras, they were just a bonus if I could fit them in. Now I see how necessary they are, these bonding moments that help to give you that boost, the boost that makes lice laundry not seem so daunting. The bonding that allows you to respond with more compassion rather than reacting with frustration when they are not listening.
Here's to love rituals and the sense of warmth they provide.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Holy Shit
Getting back on track as we settle into our daily math classes. Independent learning projects take on lives of their own. Originally the kids were suppose to study their favourite natural disasters, show me on the globe where they are most likely to happen, explain to me what causes them, then write a fiction short story about someone in that natural disaster and include safety steps. Jack asked if he could show me in a play instead. I said "Okay, as long as you write out your play." They spent an hour this afternoon creating props(Joon has agreed to be in the play as well).
I figured out my credit card issue yesterday, got a job today. Part time so that I can still homeschool but save some money as well. I found a friend to be creative with, I'm going to see one of my favourite artists play in December. I'm working on a new fundraiser. My friends are awesome, supportive people.
I'm doing it. I am living how I want to live. I think I may have pulled it off. Holy shit.
I figured out my credit card issue yesterday, got a job today. Part time so that I can still homeschool but save some money as well. I found a friend to be creative with, I'm going to see one of my favourite artists play in December. I'm working on a new fundraiser. My friends are awesome, supportive people.
I'm doing it. I am living how I want to live. I think I may have pulled it off. Holy shit.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Money Can't Buy This Kind of Happiness
So, this month, is always the toughest financially. Because the Family Responsibility office takes my child support off every other pay check. Three pay check months means my child support payments are delayed. One payment only this month and of course $50.00 in lice treatments. So yeah, we are visiting the Food bank. But, rent will be made, the kids have winter jackets, boots, mitts and snow pants. I'm looking for part time work at the moment, we'll see what comes up.
None the less, even with my tightened budget, I am happy. I feel loved, accepted and wanted. I finally understand friendship. For so long I had so few friends, and I couldn't see them very often.
I was feeling bad about not being able to afford all the activities the children wanted to be in. I asked my kiddos, if they were still happy that we moved, even if we don't have as much money. They both emphatically nodded "Yes."
I was feeling a little sorry for myself a few days ago...then a friend asked on Facebook about chronic pain and how it affects emotions. Then as I listed all of the horrible things I was feeling during my illness; the guilt of not being able to keep up with housework, the hopelessness of no diagnosis/treatment and the feeling of being a complete burden on my partner. It reminded me of how far I have come emotionally, of how many days I cried while I ran my bath so my children couldn't hear me.
Yep, Money's tight. There isn't someone warming my bed at night. But I have laughter, and conversation. I have understanding and support. I love these people who are in my life, they are kind and fun, I feel like they really want to be there, like they are not hanging out with me because of some sense of duty. They could at any point leave my life, but they don't. They send me messages of love and encouragement, they do not judge me.
I don't know how I would have done this without them. I feel incredibly blessed to have these people in my life.
Friday, October 9, 2015
The heart of the house
Today I did my banking, paid my rent and went grocery shopping with my kids. When we got home, I lit a candle in my kitchen, I asked the kids to play upstairs and I prepared our meal. I chopped carrots and cucumbers and put them in containers for future snacks. I cut cheese into cubes for easy eating. I made broccoli soup, pasta and pea meal bacon (I prepared it like a roast in the oven). My kids came downstairs, they sat at the table and chatted while I poured their soup. I leaned down and pulled out the roasting pan and felt this warmth spread over me. It felt like Christmas, it felt like family, it felt like home. I felt amazing and whole. I began to cry, I was so overwhelmed by this feeling. For years stress and conflict surrounded the kitchen, surrounded food preparation and cleaning. I forgot how satisfying cooking a meal for your family can be, how food can be translated into love. My children understood, they saw my tears and my smile and My daughter said: "Happy Thanksgiving mommy, thank you for making us this meal." We all knew it wasn't our thanksgiving, but she felt it too. We cleaned up together and ate forgotten gelato for dessert. Another piece of me healed today, we healed together today as a family. We are going to be alright. We are going to be just fine.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
More friends
Running behind, looks like we'll be home late on the 8th. Met a man who has been travelling for the last year through working for room and food. Great for someone without kids, but until my kids can pitch in, not really an option for me, but cool idea none the less.
Two hour long conversation with Ben, who's wife is a midwife. Touching onFrank Breech, writing epiphanies, being in-lone with yourself. I have really been enjoying conversation and connections with males in which there is no possibility of a sexual relationship. The conversation continues simply out of the enjoyment of itself, of sharing ideas and experiences. Why in most instances did I assume that the males to which I am speaking main reasons for continuing conversations with me is sexual interest? Why can't I attribute it to the fact that they may really be enjoying the conversation? Were these thoughts because I'm trying to protect myself from being hurt and feeling fooled? Are they because I no longer feel that I am an interesting enough person to hold a conversation with, without the possibility of a sexual relationship building? Perhaps a bit of both. We'll see when I leave my train bubble, whether or not this assumption creeps back over me during my next few conversations with males who are not sexually available.
Two hour long conversation with Ben, who's wife is a midwife. Touching onFrank Breech, writing epiphanies, being in-lone with yourself. I have really been enjoying conversation and connections with males in which there is no possibility of a sexual relationship. The conversation continues simply out of the enjoyment of itself, of sharing ideas and experiences. Why in most instances did I assume that the males to which I am speaking main reasons for continuing conversations with me is sexual interest? Why can't I attribute it to the fact that they may really be enjoying the conversation? Were these thoughts because I'm trying to protect myself from being hurt and feeling fooled? Are they because I no longer feel that I am an interesting enough person to hold a conversation with, without the possibility of a sexual relationship building? Perhaps a bit of both. We'll see when I leave my train bubble, whether or not this assumption creeps back over me during my next few conversations with males who are not sexually available.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Peace
On the ferry back. I like to torture myself with adventure and uncertainty said the man behind me. There's still so much I want to see and do in this province. Maybe next year we will plan a several stop trip. It doesn't look like Edmonton Mall is in the cards this one.
The view of the mountain range is amazing. How small everything will seem in Muskoka when I get back. Also, how cold. It hasn't been below 12 degrees while we have been outside during this entire trip. I lost my jacket too. Had to buy a new one, so I purchased a less sexy but warmer one for the trip home.
I woke up to an eerie fog surrounding the train. I never thought of fog as eerie before, but perhaps that's because I always knew what lay beyond it. There were sandbanks that served as driftwood graveyards and a green river flowed around them. Bald eagles perched on the grave markers watching the water for signs of life. It was beautiful, the scene struck me with the same sense of awe as the mountains, and I couldn't tear my eyes away. Factory ghost towns line this once prosperous section of the railway. This trip has shown me the frailty of our economy, like watching dominos in slow motion, the warehouses in the process of being torn down, parking lots empty for all but two or three cars...each company along the line just one step behind the other, our creeky old train serving as a death rattle along the way. So many opportunities for green energy and renewable resources to breath life back into these rural communities, why isn't our government wooing these industries? Where are these hemp farms? Why couldn't that pulp processing plant get an economic grant to become a hemp processing plant? Our next pm should ride this railway and get a play by play of every crumbling community along the way. There is no work, their houses are worth nothing, these families are packing up their most precious possessions and moving to cities to get minimum wage jobs.
6 Bald eagles
Met a family travelling from China to Halifax, the father was from Canada originally. They believed Canada was going down the tubes, that China, though communist was a better place to live. They told me that there are no supports there, that there was no victim mentality. I never really thought about Canada's victim mentality. Our system seems to be built in a way to keep those on social assistance, on social assistance. Only certain programs actually encourage and even allow a person to upgrade their skills in order to obtain more permanent or higher paying employment. Personal growth is highly discouraged except in the case of a student looking to get a loan that is.
Looking out the window at the mountains, looking down at the river, forgetting that The train I am on is on a mountain itself. Don't become so far obsessed with looking out at other miraculous views, that you forget the miracle of what is right underfoot.
I love how the my whole world changes according to my soundtrack. My mountainous surroundings suddenly became bad-ass as so whatcha want blasts into my ears, I love travelling with Simon and Garfunkle, the Lumineers, Shaky Graves... but beastie boys adds a whole other level. I've been tempted to skip the love songs, because naturally my brain wants to associate with my last example of love. I will not run, I tell myself. I will let my memories flow through my mind, I will not judge them.
The trip home is timed in a way that is allowing us to see the landscape we slept through on the way here.
Adult conversation, children playing cards. Mountains shifting, turning, growing.
Thinking about where to go when the kids go to their dad's. A night in Kingston? Ottawa? Should I ask someone to come on my adventure? Would anyone I know be up for something like that?
Is this something I should be doing on my own? Maybe.
They are blasting the roots of the mountains here...
The landscape inspires me to write, but when I do I miss the landscape. What a cruel thing a muse can be. It's hard to type not looking down when you can't feel the keys descend under your finger tips.
The only red in the mountains are dead conifers.
I like to picture the jagged mountain tops to be collapsing stone castles. Bucket list addition: see Britain's castles.
Wise ladies sing to me through my earphones: Soon I will be done with the troubles of the world... I was a long time coming and I'll be a longtime gone, you've got your whole life to do something and that's not very long. So preoccupied with my emotional bullshit I forgot that I got a world to improve. I forgot how powerful I was, I focused all of my healing energy on a small unit. That is not my purpose. I see that again. I remember that shift happening, I remember the energy focusing into my womb, into my home, into my arms, into my lap, Into my breasts, into my hands, into my lullabies, into my bedtime stories, into my family no matter what that looked like at the time. I forgot how to expand joy, how to exhale joy, how to let it swirl off me like mist as I walk down the street. I forgot how to ACCEPT joy, I forgot that I do not have to work for it, I do not have to look for it in good deeds, in beautiful landscapes, in lovers, in children, in friends, in ritual, in talismans, in adventure. Joy is there, patiently waiting behind these things from which I catch glances, she waves cheerfully at me. I kept putting conditions on my joy, I will feel Joy when I have done _________, I will feel joy when I stop _________, I will feel joy when I start __________. There are no conditions on feeling Joy. None. You are always worthy of joy, at all times, in all situations, joy is there, it is okay to feel it, it is okay to express it. Joy is possible in loss, it is possible in fear, it is possible in anger, for these are passing emotions, a joy based in wonder and the miraculous existence of self: this is eternal, this cannot be tapped out, for as long as you exist your life is miraculous, period. You are animated stardust capable of consciously and unconsciously affecting the world around you, an inexhaustible source of joy and wonder right there. I accept joy, fully, completely and unconditionally.
Missed a Facebook message from James Gray while in Jasper, seems like we just missed each other in our travels. He just crossed into BC as we came upon Jasper. I wonder if he saw our train? Many of his songs were in my travel soundtrack.
Well how do you follow something like that?
The Baker, The Free Hug guy, The looks like Neisha Coleman girl, friend met in Vancouver that I forget the name of.... Jig saw puzzles, food additives, self sufficiency, swans vs Canada geese, via can rail passes. If you go out and do things you think are cool, you will meet other people who enjoy doing the same things. Easy concept to say, cool concept to experience. What a great group that jumped on in Saskatoon. I love the train.
Things I learned about train travel:
You'd be amazed at how large your carry-on can be: if you think you might need it bring it in your carry on.
Bring blankets it's bloody cold at night.
Grocery shop whenever you can at the stops.
Breakfast is affordable, all other meals are best purchased at the super market then brought on board.
Say "hi" to everyone.
People who think they may never see you again will share very personal things with you and vice versa.
Train time is confusing when traveling east to west and west to east: tally mark smudges on your window maybe necessary.
Wifi and cellphones will not work for most of the trip.
Most stations are in the middle of nowhere and have nothing to offer in necessities, buy what you need while you can, do not put it off until the next stop.
Always have your camera ready.
Put down your camera.
Dilapidated farmhouses, fascinating and sad. Tall barns with little houses on top. Coyotes, eagles, hawks. I don't know why people refer to the prairies as boring... The sporadic glassy ponds are crystal blue and the foliage that encircle them complementary oranges and yellows. Prairie sunsets, the word panoramic falls horribly short of the mark. It's the imax of sunset enjoyment up here in the dome car.
Live music, I spotted the musician earlier today in conversation. There needs to be a better term than musiciandar. Guitardar?
The view of the mountain range is amazing. How small everything will seem in Muskoka when I get back. Also, how cold. It hasn't been below 12 degrees while we have been outside during this entire trip. I lost my jacket too. Had to buy a new one, so I purchased a less sexy but warmer one for the trip home.
I woke up to an eerie fog surrounding the train. I never thought of fog as eerie before, but perhaps that's because I always knew what lay beyond it. There were sandbanks that served as driftwood graveyards and a green river flowed around them. Bald eagles perched on the grave markers watching the water for signs of life. It was beautiful, the scene struck me with the same sense of awe as the mountains, and I couldn't tear my eyes away. Factory ghost towns line this once prosperous section of the railway. This trip has shown me the frailty of our economy, like watching dominos in slow motion, the warehouses in the process of being torn down, parking lots empty for all but two or three cars...each company along the line just one step behind the other, our creeky old train serving as a death rattle along the way. So many opportunities for green energy and renewable resources to breath life back into these rural communities, why isn't our government wooing these industries? Where are these hemp farms? Why couldn't that pulp processing plant get an economic grant to become a hemp processing plant? Our next pm should ride this railway and get a play by play of every crumbling community along the way. There is no work, their houses are worth nothing, these families are packing up their most precious possessions and moving to cities to get minimum wage jobs.
6 Bald eagles
Met a family travelling from China to Halifax, the father was from Canada originally. They believed Canada was going down the tubes, that China, though communist was a better place to live. They told me that there are no supports there, that there was no victim mentality. I never really thought about Canada's victim mentality. Our system seems to be built in a way to keep those on social assistance, on social assistance. Only certain programs actually encourage and even allow a person to upgrade their skills in order to obtain more permanent or higher paying employment. Personal growth is highly discouraged except in the case of a student looking to get a loan that is.
Looking out the window at the mountains, looking down at the river, forgetting that The train I am on is on a mountain itself. Don't become so far obsessed with looking out at other miraculous views, that you forget the miracle of what is right underfoot.
I love how the my whole world changes according to my soundtrack. My mountainous surroundings suddenly became bad-ass as so whatcha want blasts into my ears, I love travelling with Simon and Garfunkle, the Lumineers, Shaky Graves... but beastie boys adds a whole other level. I've been tempted to skip the love songs, because naturally my brain wants to associate with my last example of love. I will not run, I tell myself. I will let my memories flow through my mind, I will not judge them.
The trip home is timed in a way that is allowing us to see the landscape we slept through on the way here.
Adult conversation, children playing cards. Mountains shifting, turning, growing.
Thinking about where to go when the kids go to their dad's. A night in Kingston? Ottawa? Should I ask someone to come on my adventure? Would anyone I know be up for something like that?
Is this something I should be doing on my own? Maybe.
They are blasting the roots of the mountains here...
The landscape inspires me to write, but when I do I miss the landscape. What a cruel thing a muse can be. It's hard to type not looking down when you can't feel the keys descend under your finger tips.
The only red in the mountains are dead conifers.
I like to picture the jagged mountain tops to be collapsing stone castles. Bucket list addition: see Britain's castles.
Wise ladies sing to me through my earphones: Soon I will be done with the troubles of the world... I was a long time coming and I'll be a longtime gone, you've got your whole life to do something and that's not very long. So preoccupied with my emotional bullshit I forgot that I got a world to improve. I forgot how powerful I was, I focused all of my healing energy on a small unit. That is not my purpose. I see that again. I remember that shift happening, I remember the energy focusing into my womb, into my home, into my arms, into my lap, Into my breasts, into my hands, into my lullabies, into my bedtime stories, into my family no matter what that looked like at the time. I forgot how to expand joy, how to exhale joy, how to let it swirl off me like mist as I walk down the street. I forgot how to ACCEPT joy, I forgot that I do not have to work for it, I do not have to look for it in good deeds, in beautiful landscapes, in lovers, in children, in friends, in ritual, in talismans, in adventure. Joy is there, patiently waiting behind these things from which I catch glances, she waves cheerfully at me. I kept putting conditions on my joy, I will feel Joy when I have done _________, I will feel joy when I stop _________, I will feel joy when I start __________. There are no conditions on feeling Joy. None. You are always worthy of joy, at all times, in all situations, joy is there, it is okay to feel it, it is okay to express it. Joy is possible in loss, it is possible in fear, it is possible in anger, for these are passing emotions, a joy based in wonder and the miraculous existence of self: this is eternal, this cannot be tapped out, for as long as you exist your life is miraculous, period. You are animated stardust capable of consciously and unconsciously affecting the world around you, an inexhaustible source of joy and wonder right there. I accept joy, fully, completely and unconditionally.
Missed a Facebook message from James Gray while in Jasper, seems like we just missed each other in our travels. He just crossed into BC as we came upon Jasper. I wonder if he saw our train? Many of his songs were in my travel soundtrack.
Well how do you follow something like that?
The Baker, The Free Hug guy, The looks like Neisha Coleman girl, friend met in Vancouver that I forget the name of.... Jig saw puzzles, food additives, self sufficiency, swans vs Canada geese, via can rail passes. If you go out and do things you think are cool, you will meet other people who enjoy doing the same things. Easy concept to say, cool concept to experience. What a great group that jumped on in Saskatoon. I love the train.
Things I learned about train travel:
You'd be amazed at how large your carry-on can be: if you think you might need it bring it in your carry on.
Bring blankets it's bloody cold at night.
Grocery shop whenever you can at the stops.
Breakfast is affordable, all other meals are best purchased at the super market then brought on board.
Say "hi" to everyone.
People who think they may never see you again will share very personal things with you and vice versa.
Train time is confusing when traveling east to west and west to east: tally mark smudges on your window maybe necessary.
Wifi and cellphones will not work for most of the trip.
Most stations are in the middle of nowhere and have nothing to offer in necessities, buy what you need while you can, do not put it off until the next stop.
Always have your camera ready.
Put down your camera.
Dilapidated farmhouses, fascinating and sad. Tall barns with little houses on top. Coyotes, eagles, hawks. I don't know why people refer to the prairies as boring... The sporadic glassy ponds are crystal blue and the foliage that encircle them complementary oranges and yellows. Prairie sunsets, the word panoramic falls horribly short of the mark. It's the imax of sunset enjoyment up here in the dome car.
Live music, I spotted the musician earlier today in conversation. There needs to be a better term than musiciandar. Guitardar?
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