Halfway to Spring!

Today it got quiet, my mind wanted to go to stressful things.  But I watched my roommate walking my kids home and I realized how amazingly lucky I have been.  Things worked out so beautifully.  Yeah, I've had my emotional struggles, but it all came together in the end.

I just have to keep my focus on my goals and make sure I am taking time to rest and restore as well.  I've been dotting my i's and crossing my t's.  I've been diligently paying off debts and I'm genuinely excited about what my future holds: a driver's license and travel as well as workshops and courses to improve my writing.  My life is going to be MINE and fabulous.

In a few days I will be able to really dive into my part in an upcoming fundraiser.  I love sales, when I am selling something I believe in.  I'll be selling sponsorships in the form of silent auction items and other advertising opportunities for an event supporting The Children's Foundation of Muskoka.  A truly great organization that financially assists low income families with registering their children in music/art/sports programs.  This kind of work is my favourite. :).

I have been making new friends, planning art adventures and doing a crazy push up challenge.  However tonight, I will be lounging in the bathtub, reading a book and resting my soul.

Dinner With A Friend

I have this great friend, she is honest, open, and has a great sense of humour when it comes to our human faults, or as she would have me call them, opportunities for growth.  We laugh at the recognition of our egos flaring in situations, she is wonderful at helping you see situations from a larger perspective.  She also doesn't shy away from harsh truths.  She delivers them with compassion, but delivers them none the less.

I told her about my fears, about my boundary issues.  I referred to them as symptoms of my damage.
"Sweetheart," she said looking me in the eye."language matters, damage is the word of a victim, you are not a victim, you are a survivor.  You aren't damaged, you are facing an opportunity for growth."

If you find a friend who can look you in the eye, tell you a hard truth and uplift you at the same time. Cherish that person.  They are priceless.

The First of Many

Dear sweet girl,

As we look at training bras and I see your awkwardness around boys, I know we need to have the talk.  Not the sex talk because your mother having the career that she did you know all about where babies come from.  I'm talking about the relationship talk, the self respect talk, the you are amazing and don't you ever let a romantic partner tell you otherwise, talk.  The please don't make the same mistakes as me, talk. I know I can't guarantee you won't get hurt in love but I can help you reduce the risk of becoming damaged.

Here's the trick, build up your self esteem to the point that you can set and enforce healthy boundaries, this way you can keep those at a safe distance who would normally lower your self esteem.  By that I mean do things you love.  Dress the way that makes you feel good, join activities you enjoy and spend time by yourself just enjoying your own company.  Become your own best friend.  If you see yourself as worthy of protection from harmful things it will be easier for you to enforce your boundaries.

If  a person slips through those boundaries and you begin to feel your self esteem lowering, or warning signs appear, spend time with those that genuinely love you. Keep your friends close, maintain your relationships with them. Do the things that make you feel good about yourself until your self esteem is back up to the point you can create and enforce healthy boundaries to push that person out of your life.

If this person does not respect your boundaries go to someone in a position of authority to help you enforce them.

If you feel horrible about yourself, get outside help.  Your self esteem may be too low for you to recognize that you don't deserve negative treatment.  An outside viewpoint may be exactly what you
need.

Remember you are worthy of love and respect.  You are worthy of happiness.

Mick Jagger Told My Fortune

As the full moon grows, I am becoming acutely aware of my intensions, my goals.  What do I want to focus on?  I wrote a prayer, that I be able to find and accept love when I am ready for it.  I said it repeatedly aloud, with my eyelids clenched tight (I think this makes my prayers more effective, could be a raised Catholic thing) then I looked at an oracle card, (not a raised Catholic thing) it told me that I can't always get what I want, but I will get what I need.  So of course I had to read it again, but in Mick Jagger's voice.  I had several offers to do really fun things this weekend.  I could have made them happen.  But something inside of me is telling me to keep it low key.  That these things are going to pull me away from my path.  Now is the time to focus, not party.  It is time for me to invest in what makes me warm and safe.  It is time to walk the path of my goals.  Which means staying home and studying, reinvesting in proven friendships, excersize, stretch, eat well, wrap myself in blankets and if I do go out, don't stay out late.

I think I'm entering a social hibernation of sorts.  My room finally feels homelike.  I don't really want to leave it at night.  I have proven to myself that I can go out, be social and enjoy it.  I always try to face my fears, so that one has been looked in the eye many times.  I'm not scared of being alone or lacking in entertainment.  I no longer feel the need to distract myself from uncomfortable emotions.

So tonight as I lit some candles and set my intensions for the next cycle, I noticed that I no longer had use for that prayer, infact, love would distract me from the goals I was trying to obtain.  I simply do not have the space for it right now.  I don't think I have ever felt that way my entire life.  Have I been scared of love? Oh yes. However, honestly feeling that it is completely unnecessary, that I simply love where I am going, who I am becoming, so much, that I don't want a relationship?  Not since before I was a teenager, maybe even before that.

This was a monumentous occasion.  So I celebrated with another round of G1 testing on the Internet.
Now I shall lie down on my luxurious camping mat, covered in warm blankets staring out of my huge
bay window at the full moon.  My life is going to be full of travel, adventure, writing, art and family and I am doing everything that needs to be done right now to make that happen.  Even the sky is no limit.

Happy Birthday, I'm a Mutant

So this birthday was something new, something I haven't had in a long time.  This birthday had friends.  Plus it was a surprise party.  Love the ladies around me who organized this and somehow managed to involve my kiddos (who didn't spill the beans).

I read today that this is Neil Gaiman's wedding anniversary.  I think I should contact him and see if we can merge our celebrations next year. What d'ya think?

I was going to go into this ghost of birthdays past thing... but nope.  Moving forward.

Now I have a fridge full of snack food, a week off work and the kids' father is not taking them for 6 days, so more time with them.  Looking forward to reintroducing our home education routine slowly and with lots of cuddles.

So, there will be no reflections today, no lessons or inner discoveries.  Just me eating cake, salsa dancing next to my friend and drinking my mutant poison.  Oh didn't I tell you?  Alcohol proves I'm a mutant because it turns mutants' faces red.  I read it on the Internet so it must be true.  I was kinda hoping my mutant ability would be something cool, like being able to cook ravioli in a can just using my mind, but instead it's being able to look incredibly embarrassed despite NOT being embarrassed.  When I'm out crime fighting I like to keep the bad guys guessing:  Is she embarrassed? Is she not embarrassed?  How will we ever truly know??? Then in the confusion my fellow mutants can mount a surprise attack.   Problem is my body actually breaks alcohol down into a mild poison, so the very essence that makes my incredible mutant power possible is also slowly killing me... ( or making me nauseous and giving me headaches before an actual hangover would appear.).  Yet, I choose to use my mutant powers for the good of all, despite the horrible toll it takes on my body.  Because I'm a hero like that.

So Close

I'm so close to being ready to open up my heart again.
I can taste it in the back of my throat,
The readiness, not my heart.
My heart isn't in my throat anymore.
But what I want is on the tip of my tongue,
Trying to avoid the spot that tastes bitter.
The problem is I am a romantic
I see every opportunity as a sign
OPEN
I see every prolonged glance
As a connection
But a glance is more like a brush with something
Not a true connection
Or so my literal self tells me
I don't know exactly what I want
It's been so long since
There was such a selection
Since I ordered for myself a flavour never tasted
I imagine what each will taste like
As if my imagination will do it justice,
Or save me from another bad taste left in my mouth.

Small Luxuries

What I've wanted for Christmas for two years:  2 meters of super soft faux fur material.  I get it, we don't always get what we ask for.  We need to be thankful for what we do get, and I am.  But today, as I stared at the half price sale on the very gift I had been coveting for so long, I felt guilt.  Such a luxury,.  Should I spend the money?  I remembered my mother handing me cash and telling me to get myself something really nice for Christmas.  She had that "I mean it" look on her face.  So I did it.  Man, I have been looking forward to bedtime ever since.

I shall pour myself a cup of peppermint tea, light some candles, listen to music and cuddle up in my new silky soft throw and truly revel in how amazing life is that I can do this.  Eat, Pray, Love was a book I started when I left my ex, and though I have yet to finish it,  I loved how she really took time to nourish her senses, recognizing her self worth through this practise.  She deserved to feel good, she deserved to remind herself of all the good this material world had to offer.  I deserve that too.

So my friends who are also tentatively healing from heartbreak, do something luxurious for yourself. Eat your favourite dessert, buy those comfy pj's, slip on that sexy lingerie under your work clothes, choose the flavoured frothy coffee over your usual, double double.  Make plans that you look forward to.  Fall in love with your life again.