Lessons Learned in the Birth Room

Something I learned in the birth room. 

It's hard to watch someone in pain.  But the pain belongs to that person, it is there for a reason, it is part of their journey and lesson.  You can let them know they are not alone, you can acknowledge their feelings, you can assist them in finding their own coping techniques, but never try to "fix" their pain or their situation. It's disempowering.  We build self confidence based on what we have accomplished for ourselves, not on what others have accomplished for us.  We need to listen to our inner voice to find our way through.  When another person steps in and tries to speak louder than our inner voice, several things happen:

1) We begin to question our inner voice's competency to help us face this situation, if this person is stepping in and telling us to do something differently then what we feel is best, we begin to think that maybe we don't really know how to help ourselves.

2)In our uncertainty we hand over our problems to this person who seems to have all the answers to our pain.

3)The person who was trying to fix it becomes overwhelmed and resentful.  Why can't this person figure this out without me?

4)The relationship (family, friend, romantic,medical care provider, support provider) breaks down, leaving the person in pain feeling more alone and very distrustful. Which leads to the person being...

5)Still in pain, less self confident and now looking for another fixer or fix it outside of themselves.

Or

Immeadiately the person in pain sees the fixer's need to get involved and puts up boundaries.

I am a fixer, or at least I was ...I'm working so hard on trying to recognize my "fix it" actions as they happen and take a step back.  I find my main reasons to fix things are these:

I am triggered by what the person is going through, it brings up my own pain and I think that if I can help them through their's maybe my pain will decrease as well. 

I think that fixing their emotional turmoil will make them treat me better.  That if I can stop their hurt, they will stop hurting me.  A defense mechanism.

I don't fool myself into thinking that I am coming from a place of wisdom, when really I am coming from a place of my own discomfort and or fear.  I have seen too much to think I am doing anyone any good as I try to tell them how to fix their problems or end their pain.  The truth is, I can't see all of their motives, fears and memories and even if I could, it's not mine and it would be like stealing for me to take away the confidence of working through something major on your own.

Mr. Sun and Mr. Wind

To the wind and the sun, no matter which tactic you choose to do it,  manipulating another person just to prove a point of who is most powerful is an ego fuelled act of disrespect. I don't care if you are elementals, grow up.

I know people who just bounce back and forth between honey and vinegar to get what they want out of people.  It really is just a need to feel in control, which is sad, because it is a symptom of feeling the opposite way: completely out of control or a complete lack of faith.  

I don't mean religious faith, although truly believing that an all loving being has sent you here for a noble purpose can allow you to release the need to control all aspects of your life and those around you.  More of like the faith that you can deal with or survive something; faith in yourself.  The kind of faith you build when you take responsibility for your actions and choose to fix them for yourself.  Not simply hand them over to someone else to take care of, or blaming others around you while you ignore or repeatedly experience the same consequences.

The last year or so I have been facing my choices, changing my life and looking some very scary things in the face.  Not only did I survive, I flourished.  It is time for me to stop ignoring certain choices that need to be made that will lead to discomfort and conflict.  It is time for me to feed myself so that bowls of honey do not attract me. I need to not fear unpleasant situations vinegar can be a very useful cleansing tool.  It's time for me to stop thinking of other's actions as all powerful in my life.  It's time for me to look up at the sky and ask "Who gives a shit about who's more powerful?  Don't you guys have more important things to do than try to make yourselves feel good by comparing yourselves to others? Also, I like this jacket, I look cool in it, so fuck off."

Head On

After years of both procrastination and inability, I finally wrote and passed my G1.  The world is opening up and if I work hard, I will be driving my kids around in a year.

This was the first time I felt like I'd use it after I wrote it.  I'm actually looking forward to my driving lessons.  There's no fear there anymore, which is a huge deal as the fear of driving hasn't left me since Konrad's mother's death in a car accident 19 years ago. This may have something to do with my self confidence rising after surviving the craziness that was my life last year.  Getting through something tough is the best confidence builder ever.

I'm not sure if I'm going to buy a car right away...as I am trying to pay down my credit card and don't want to use my line of credit.  But when I look into college courses, writing workshops etc...a vehicle may be exactly what I need to help increase my income...eventually.

I thought I would feel like partying, but really I just want to take a bath and shave my legs.  Ohh yeah, and buy lipstick, that will be my gift to myself. I will be going out for a couple of drinks with a friend later tonight, because I won't be driving home (cuz that's an option now! EEEE!).

Interdependent

So I put it out there...this need to unwind, let off steam.  Suddenly there's all these people who want to hang out and do cool things with me.  This week's looking pretty good.  I'm a hermit when I'm writing, but I need to draw from something other than my recycled thoughts. I love people, I love sharing experiences with them.

I remember when I first moved out, everything I needed came to me when I put it out there.  Then for some reason I stopped asking.  I stopped saying "hey, I need this."  I don't know why, because it clearly works.  Maybe I thought, "okay I'm good now, I can do this on my own, thanks."

I forget I never do anything completely on my own.  Ever.  Everything I do has some sort of interaction involved either before or after in order to complete it. Life is a series of interactions and relationships.  I have to stop thinking of myself as independent when I'm interdependent, we all are.  I just keep mentally separating myself from others with this idea of "making it on my own." 

I'm scared of becoming dependent on someone again.  So I try to be completely independent which is not helping my emotional state at all.  I need to recognize I need not be either.  I am a working part of a whole system, this system needs me like I need it.  I'm not talking economically, I am talking about relationships, action/reaction, give and take.  I felt very isolated for a long time, but it's time to let go of that viewpoint and open up to my community.

Goodbye Curls

There's this man in my town.  I've known him and his daughter since I moved here.  Warmth radiates off of him, you can tell he genuinely wants to make others happy.  He volunteers at the local Foodbank, he donates his time for music and art events to raise money for various local not for profits.  He was a calming presence while he produced my radio show, and he gave me an amazing hug and said just the right thing on a day that I really needed it.

He has a little girl just a bit older than my own.  You can see they have a great connection, and it's heart breaking because he has cancer.

I want to help him.  I want to support him, but I have very little money of my own.  So yesterday I saw that there are people shaving their heads and taking donations for cancer research and awareness on Feb 4th.  So I decided to do the same, but ask people to sponsor me by donating money to his medical fund instead.  If you'd like to donate to the fund click on this link: https://www.gofundme.com/qzex8wdc

Thank you.

www.gofundme.com/qzex8wdc

Halfway to Spring!

Today it got quiet, my mind wanted to go to stressful things.  But I watched my roommate walking my kids home and I realized how amazingly lucky I have been.  Things worked out so beautifully.  Yeah, I've had my emotional struggles, but it all came together in the end.

I just have to keep my focus on my goals and make sure I am taking time to rest and restore as well.  I've been dotting my i's and crossing my t's.  I've been diligently paying off debts and I'm genuinely excited about what my future holds: a driver's license and travel as well as workshops and courses to improve my writing.  My life is going to be MINE and fabulous.

In a few days I will be able to really dive into my part in an upcoming fundraiser.  I love sales, when I am selling something I believe in.  I'll be selling sponsorships in the form of silent auction items and other advertising opportunities for an event supporting The Children's Foundation of Muskoka.  A truly great organization that financially assists low income families with registering their children in music/art/sports programs.  This kind of work is my favourite. :).

I have been making new friends, planning art adventures and doing a crazy push up challenge.  However tonight, I will be lounging in the bathtub, reading a book and resting my soul.