Joybreak

This season I have felt completely overwhelmed.  I'm exhausted, emotional and negative.  I've been generally feeling like I should know better, I can be happier than this, why does it seem so hard?
After reading a blog post I wrote after being in St.John's (one of the most joyous times of my life) I realized that I wasn't tending to my own joy anymore.  I have this preconceived notion that when my schedule gets busy, I simply do not have the time to spend on my joy and instead it becomes damage control.  It's a matter of priorities, messed up, hand built by robots, priorities.

So I decided to take a Joybreak.  A week where I focus on doing things that bring me joy.  Here's what a typical Joybreak looks like:

Wake up, tell my kids I love them, send them off to school, have a mind blowing orgasm, choose my favourite colours to wear, put on make-up, choose a great music playlist, put on my headphones, dance in my room, go out still listening to music, walk to my favourite coffee shop, make my coffee with lots of honey, eat my favourite oatmeal, check Facebook, chat with acquaintances, make a list of yummy food to buy, write, write,write, head on out to do my shopping still with music playing, shop, sing along and dance while shopping, get home put stuff away, take a hot bath, nap before kids get home from school, cuddle them, make dinner with them and plan our movie for that night. After the movie send them to bed with kisses, Check Facebook, climb into my super soft covers, read a book, meditate, sleep.

I'm only part way through my day and already I feel more energetic.  I had forgotten that doing things that bring me joy, does not detract from other responsibilities, it makes them more than merely tolerable, as joy tends to overflow into all aspects of my life.

Update: when you search for joy you find it.

Today, while at the coffee shop, I talked to two great women, who always give off such warmth.  I got to stop by my friend's work and say "Hi.".  There was the amazing chocolate lab who was so happy to see me and let me pet him.  Leaving the supermarket, I saw a friend, who gave me a genuine hug and made my chest fill with warmth.  My housemate made dinner, my kids loved their new light up toothbrushes, we listened to Stuart McLean and I swear I heard a story that I had missed the last two years we were listening.  The Christmas puzzle was well received and finished.  Day one of my Joybreak was a success, with only one hitch, when I waited too long to eat and got a bit grumpy with my kids.

Blessings In this House

As we near the holidays, I find myself thinking about gifts, about blessings.  The things in life that turn out amazingly, like someone was listening to my inner most desires and delivering them right to me.  I desperately wanted a home for myself and my children, a real home, with safety and love... A feel of family.  A near magical house appeared, but what made it a home was my housemate.  She arrived with a flurry of friends, cleaning, organizing and decorating.  I mostly hid during this time as I was triggered by people cleaning around me (something I have since healed from).  I emerged a week later, to a home that looked like something out of a decorating magazine.  I didn't realize how empty our home was until she filled it with paintings, vases and wall hangings.  Mostly though, she filled it with laughter and song.  She filled it with the plunking of keys from an old piano, that is all the better for it's tin-like reverberation.  She filled our hearts with her empathy for her friends and family.  Some gifts are people and she is one of the best gifts our family has ever received.  She was the gift we didn't even know we needed.  We are very thankful for her. We love her very much.

Warmth

Snow has blanketed everything.  There's an excitement in my chest, there's an anxiety as well.  I feel like I have so much to make up for.  Last year our Solstice was a success, we were sponsored by another family through the food bank and under the tree looked as full as it did before I was a lone parent.  Our house was bustling with family and friends coming in and out. However there was a bumpy few weeks ahead of time where some serious healing needed to be done around past holidays. Jack shared with me his heartbreaking experience of how his father told him there was no Santa.

I know that taking on the responsibility of another's feelings is not only damaging, it's futile.  It makes it hard for them to express their feelings around you.  So I'm not going to go out of my way to make this the best Solstice ever.  I'm simply going to love them.  I'm going to love my friends, my family. I'm not giving a lot of gifts, but I will give them the gift of peace and safety.  I'm going to prepare an environment of warmth and comfort by emanating those things from myself.  I will love them by loving myself.  I will let them see what a gift a loving community is. Also there will be food because food=love and I love food.

Over the last year the most beautiful group of people have come into our lives.  My friendships have deepened and family reunited.  I finally feel worthy of the amazing people in my life. Bless you all and see you at Solstice!

Fear Dressed In Wisdom's Clothing

I have this friend, we meet for coffee and talk for hours.  I always always leave those conversations with massive lessons.  This one was huge.  I wrote a blog post months ago about being a lone parent. I was very much in the mindframe of never wanting a romantic partner involved with my children. I thought this stance was practical and pragmatic....Funny, how we can dress fear in a costume we call wisdom.

I was scared, angry and devoid of hope.  I'd rather go without the warm feelings of sharing my family with someone I care about romantically then risk letting someone in who could hurt them.  I never thought of how fucking selfish it would be to not let this person be involved in such a huge part of my life.  To expect them to forgo the hope of feeling like a family with me, to keep them at a distance and to only share the small part of me that exists between bedtimes, wake times and mommy days.  I didn't realize that this is only a partial relationship, a stepping stone with nowhere further for my partner to step.  Even the word "partner" can't apply.  I couldn't see that.  I couldn't see a future with anything beyond a boyfriend/girlfriend in it and with that, I couldn't see the true validity of their concerns for the future.  I simply didn't see my children as a factor in my relationships, because I didn't want the worlds to mix.  Yeah, they may run into each other occasionally, but no plans together, no dinners or outings.  My children were MINE and my ex's, no one else need be involved.

I'm still not looking for a co-parent, but I'm no longer closed to the idea of someone I care about becoming involved with my children (slowly) after a substantial amount of time seeing each other. I can see now how this mindframe held me back in many ways.  Here I am, nearly six months from a point at which I thought I was ready for a relationship, realizing how much I wasn't.  I feel like I'm ready for one now... We'll see if the woman I am in 6 months agrees.

Love: It's Not About You

Pain and discomfort after a break-up is usually due to the feeling that you can't have what you want.  It's selfish and all encompassing, but with time and space it wanes.  Soon you are less melodramatic and your friends aren't rolling their eyes at your Facebook posts anymore.  Then you run into the ex and that little bit of sadness creeps back in.  Perhaps you spend the afternoon imagining that s/he pulls you off to the side, pins you against the wall with their body and explains between passionate kisses how they've realized how perfect you are together... Ahem... or something like that.

You know you are torturing yourself.  You wish you could just get over it.  You wish you didn't still want them.

Here's the deal though, if you truly love someone, it shouldn't be about what you want from them.  Wanting them to love you/want to be with you, is essentially asking for them not to feel the way they feel, so that you can feel good.  That's not love.  If you truly want them to follow their heart, do what they think is best for themselves, then it is impossible to want them to be with you at the same time.

Want to know the best way to get over someone? Love them. Fully, unconditionally, love them.  Wish the best for them and the rest of their journey wether or not you will be a part of it.

Love isn't about you, it's about the other person.

What Happens in the TARDIS Stays in the TARDIS

So I met my email friend for coffee.  Well it was suppose to be for coffee, then it was pouring rain so we had to switch to a closer coffee shop, then that coffee shop was closing, so we ducked into the nearest restaurant where I promptly broke a plate. Seriously, I ate before I left so that I wouldn't slop food on myself or break anything while I was out with this guy.  This is the kind of restaurant where the tables are already set.  If I had any sense I would have turned around and walked out the second I saw that. Then I ordered a coffee that they didn't have the ingredients for, so the barista (gorgeous young man) came over with caramel he made ON THE SPOT and asked me taste it so they could add it to my cappuccino, except it was on a stick and I didn't want them staring at me while I tested it... So it was kind of awkward.  Did I mention it was the opening night?  No? Well it was.  Also, I'm pretty sure it is a TARDIS.  It was way bigger on the inside and well look at the picture.  I just realized though, that if I had smashed the plate in a restaurant outside of the TARDIS we (the doctor and I, of course) could go back in time and he could catch the plate, and order a normal cappuccino for me. However a TARDIS cannot travel through time within itself.  So what happens in a TARDIS stays in the TARDIS.

By Comparison

St. John's both exhilarated and exhausted me.  I really did fit in what would normally be a month's worth of activity into 1 week. I got home tired and began my increased work hours.  I broke up with my boyfriend and that is draining in and of itself, as was the roller coaster of trying to maintain a friendship afterwards. I was napping any afternoon I could.  I was looking for ways to make nutritiously balanced meals as easily as possible.  I stopped allowing the kids to help me make dinner simply because it was faster to do it myself.  I became increasingly angry with them for not picking up after themselves because I simply did not have the energy to do it for them.   I was starting to yell again.  I felt horrible.  Worst of all, I felt them being "clingy" and that irritated me, a lot.   Instead of doing what needed to be done to make them feel loved and secure I sent them off to leave me alone.  Then the guilt set in.  Guilt leads to a worse mood and so the cycle begins.

I have this email friend (he lives in Toronto and we only communicate via email) and he was telling me about all the things he does with his daughter during the Summer.  I fell into the comparison trap. Man, I was sucking at parenting.  He's a single parent too, so I couldn't claim that as my excuse. I called my good friend Kyle who pep talked me.  He reminded me that it wasn't about grandiose gestures, it was about me spending quality time with my kids.  It didn't have to be a lot, it didn't have to be perfect, it just had to be loving.  I'm paraphrasing but I'm pretty sure that's what he was trying to get across.

So this afternoon I decided to start with a clean slate.  I would pretend I wasn't a bitchy mommy for the last few weeks and just  do something small and not too tiring with them tonight.
So I picked them up after work, brought them home, then took them out for ice cream, a walk on the docks and a peek at the fish in the lake using a flashlight.  We walked home holding hands and I savoured it.

Sometimes we set our expectations too high and we get tired of always being let down or letting down others.  So we give up.  I'd like to call it taking a break to re-evaluate. Either way, I've got it now.  I don't have to be an awesome mom/woman/writer/friend/daughter all the time. It's okay just to be good and sometimes not even reaching that standard is alright.  My children will learn that they don't have to be awesome all the time either and that's a good thing.  I think some mornings when I am grumpy and they are not doing as they are told I might just announce in a loud silly voice:

"Today we are not awesome and that's okay! Say it with me folks!"

And have them repeat after me in their own silly voices.  Heck you can say it with me too:

Today I am not awesome and that's okay.

Doesn't that feel better already?

Options

My mornings in St.John's look like this:  wake up, get kids dressed, head to Coffee Matters, drink a cafe mocha and have Joon map out our walking journey that day.  One day my sister took the kids and I went for a walk on my own.  Something said to me, "try that little cafe on the steps you saw the other day."  So I did.  Though I couldn't remember exactly where it was I figured I would just walk wherever I felt like and I would find it.  I did.

I tried to sit outside, but the tables were sticky. I looked for a napkin to wash the table off, but I couldn't find them in the cafe. I was getting frustrated.  Looked like I would be sitting inside during this beautiful day.  So I chose a seat in the back of the cafe.  There were 50's style Jesus paintings on the walls, such a strange feeling of nostalgia I had while looking at them...

Then he walked in.  Laptop in hand, eyes searching the walls.  My headphones were on and music was blasting. But I caught his attention and motioned to the hanging extension cord at the next table.
I had all the recent albums I purchased spread across my table, my journal was filled with scribbles about the show I had seen the night before.  I immersed myself in my writing again.  Then a tap on my shoulder, he's offering me a bite of his chocolate something or other.  I kindly turn him down with a shake of my head and a smile.  Refusing to take off my headphones and break this amazing creative space I am in.  So 15 minutes later and I am finished my first draft of my blog post.  That's when I come back to reality and realize, he  probably was the reason I was told to come here.

So I started up a conversation to see where it goes.  Turns out he's a digital nomad.  Someone who does his work via the internet and travels wherever he wants supporting himself all the while.  This is exactly what I want to do.  I want to find work that will allow me to travel freely.  Not only is he a digital nomad, but he also hosts a meetup group to help other digital nomads share information and tips on how to do this successfully.  I told him that I need a skill that travels and makes money (I can write, but there hasn't been much money coming in from that). So he asks me: what do you like?
I told him that I love human rights, particularily when it comes to medical situations.  I describe to him my doula work.  Then he says: I'm sorry but I have to interupt you, I just had a flash and I need to show you this:

It was one of his client's websites.  They sell TENS machines and they are looking for sales reps.  You choose your target market, you choose where to sell them.  I could travel anywhere there are healthcare facilities and sell them... And yes that is right up my alley.

After another hour of conversation I had to go, I thanked him for the exchange.  He gave me his email address to keep him informed on how it was going for me.  I haven't emailed him yet, nor have I looked into the TENS sales opportunity.  I feel like I need a year to sort things out, maybe during this year I will begin to look into those options.  I try not to think of obstacles, but there is a fairly large one when it comes to me travelling with my kids.  Making sure they get time with their father.  They are not old enough to fly on their own yet and that only would come into play if their father was willing to change up his schedule with them.  So instead, I am planning a 3-4 week vacation next fall and perhaps a few small excursions in the meantime, just to lightly scratch my travelling itch while my kids get older.

The Diamonds In The Rock

Okay, back to the wild and wonderful world of self-exploration via travel.  In the immortal words of Ani Difranco "I just got kinda....distracted."

For months before I left, my desire was to immerse myself in the St.John's music culture.  I wanted to see a new band every night. I wanted to converse in order to understand how this musical community thrived on an island so harsh and barren it is known as The Rock.

Apparently the answer was in the question; almost every musician/artist I talked to had the same theory, which I am going to use a Dylan Thomas quote to describe:

 "Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

They described the colourful homes as a way to counter the thick St.John's fog.
The music to drown out the gale, and to forget the drowned.
The dancing to prove that their bodies were not still...yet.
Harsh conditions can create such beauty...
And resilience.

It's no secret that Newfoundland is having some serious economical challenges.  With oil prices so low and the over spending by the government during the short lived boom: There is much unrest.  Posters are everywhere in the city, calling the Premier to resign.  Unemployment is rising and those with jobs often need more than one.  Darnell, a thickly accented musical theatre actor, explained to me that he (along with his theatre work) needs two jobs.  He's a chef at a restaurant down the street during the day and a bouncer at a pub at night.

"I know you can't tell looking at me, but I get punched 3-4 times a night... Guess eventually the bruises stop showing up."

A lack of resources is the best way to become resourceful.  That is the grit that you can sense in a Newfoundlander.  Central Ontarians are soft and reserved, in our comfortable food-only-a-few-hours-away towns.  These islanders are hard, wild and beautiful in their expression of rebellion.  They rage like the ocean and unapologetically dance on their watery graves.  Listen to the music of the Newfoundlanders and you will hear the sorrow and the never ending fight.  I give to you this beautiful example from The Fortunate Ones, introduced to me by Alexi, the Coffee Matters, Barista who came out and shared a beer, his musical knowledge and other musings... https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xj8IlanhTQE 

Goodbye Canes

It is with a strange bitter sweetness that I give away my canes.  I remember when I reluctantly began to use one, I had so much pride, I was so insecure about being seen with it.  The day that I made it all the way up my hill from downtown, I learned that pride had held me back from so much.  What I had originally saw as a symbol of confinement was actually my access to freedom.

Though my legs and vertigo seemed to only get worse and eventually a wheelchair became necessary for many out of home tasks, they paved the way for my acceptance of the wheelchair, or at least for not being embarrassed to be seen in it.  

All trials are teachers, this I believe.  So if I could be candid with those I love, I'd really like to share some first hand knowledge with you:

I don't wish to speak for everyone with an assistive device, but I think it is safe to say this:

We are generally tired and in pain when we are out, that is why we have the assistive device.  It is draining to explain our medical situation to people who sees us, it is also draining to find ways to politely not tell you our medical situation, mostly because we know you are coming from a good place and we do not wish to hurt your feelings.  A simple: Hey how are you? Will suffice.  If we feel like talking about why we suddenly have a cane or wheelchair we will.  Otherwise, please carry on as if nothing is different.  For my part, I was acutely aware of how different things were for me and I really appreciated any sort of normality I could get at that time.

I am so grateful for the lessons I recieved during my time of disability.  I know it's time to let go of my fear of ever needing to hold my canes again.  Faith.  I'm crying right now because I truly have faith in my body to be healthy and strong, and I feel for that woman who was me who thought she may never walk unassisted again.  

I am a miracle.  I forget that some days, but not today.

Lovers Be Warned: St. John's Holds My Heart.

 I was reading one of my posts from my last trip, the one where I woke up and felt the reality sink in that my ex was gone forever.  I was alone, and the thought of that future seemed so daunting.  Immediately afterward I opened my journal to my most recent entry.  It was written at an open mic.  I realized quite suddenly that right now the idea of a future with a romantic partner feels surreal: maybe even impossible.  How could I expect a lover to follow me around the world, or patiently wait until my wanderlust is spent and I fall breathless, exhausted back into his/her bed? Who would want to fall in love with someone whose ultimate goal in life is to leave for weeks at a time? To find intimacy (though not physical) with strangers?
I have been feeling an undefinable inner conflict with my most recent (and very new) relationship, but I didn't understand why I bounced back and forth between wanting to keep it casual and nurturing the possibility of love.  It's because I gave up the life I wanted to be with a man who simply could not travel the way I wanted to.  I won't do that again.   St.John's solidified that for me:

This island with it's steep sloping fjords, covered in trees so wind-battered that they grow entangled with each other to survive... She is like me.  She falls fast and deep yet stands high above sea level, her heart bursting with colour, her pulse the music that drowns out the gale, her light that draws many a sailor into her bay...

Walking downtown I realized that I wanted to possess St.John's; I wanted to call it home, make it mine.  Then a voice says to me: can't you be happy just knowing it exists and that you got to inhabit it, even if just for a week?  That it will continue to exist as you do, even if not in your direct reality?

I realized I need to feel this way about my lovers as well.  The feeling of relief with this thought was overwhelming.  I felt gratitude for those I am blessed to be able to share my love with at this moment, all those in my past who still walk this world, the ones I shared a coffee "moment" with and
those in my future. I have been intimate with so many people over the last year, in conversation, art
and music, though only one physically...Why some of them I am fine with moving on from and others I want to hold onto... This is still a mystery to me.

St.John's is one of those I wish to hold on to.  She was my lover, my mirror image. However, for now, it appears we are simply not meant to be together. I do like to imagine that over the next couple of years I will find a way to be back with my beloved and I will curl myself  into her nooks and crannies while the damp cold winds of winter swirl around her coast.

Miracles in the Mundane

I unzipped the black pull along suitcase. Tiny shells like crumbled crackers were settled in the corners. The smell of ocean flowed over the sides and I leaned in breathing deep. I tried my best to scrape them out with my fingers, but in the end it just seemed right to let the east mingle west on the plane ride home. Perhaps one day a dusting of broken shells from yet another Ocean will be added to the mix. Now I could be finishing my packing, but instead I am drinking Beer at the pub and watching the sunset. I live in a beautiful part of the world. I have good friends and a great community in which to raise my kids. I am blessed. Sometimes I think I want more. Sometimes I try to push too much into a small space. I limit the happiness I feel from what I already have in order to fit in the joy from something new in. Problem is, the joy from the new is fleeting and unstable. I need to keep my gratitude for the miracles that may otherwise become mundane. The mundane is a miracle. We look for grandiose signs; burning bushes, angels and resurrection, but our own chests rise every minute with no conscious effort. Literally more than a miracle every minute takes place inside your own body. People are looking to connect with God, what they don't realize is that they're connected already. They expect God to speak in a big booming voice or in tongues. But God whispers in spinning poplar leaves, rumbles in your heart beat and laughs with thunder. Everything you experience with your senses is God telling you: I am here. I am here. I am here. Faith is answering back: I know. I know. I know. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To My Dad

Amongst the many articles about rape culture and fathers perpetuating it, I want to take a moment to give a shout out to my dad.  To my father, who taught self defense (which I absorbed via osmosis) to the youth in our community, females and males equally.  While doing so enforcing the idea that no one should touch you without your permission, and vice versa.  To my father who didn't hang mildly pornographic magazines objectifying women in his gym.  To my father who focused on building self confidence via personal challenges and self discipline. To my dad who never uttered a word about women "asking" for it.  To my dad who never used the term "slut" or "whore" when describing a female. The sexual jokes you made (which were rare in my presence) were never degrading towards women.

I didn't realize until I got older, that my father was the exception.  That he was surrounded by a rape culture, yet never perpetuated it in my presence.  So, thank you dad, for being a decent guy and setting the standards for the behaviour I will and will not accept from men in my life.

Tuck That Shoulder

I have this heart, my rib cage has proven time and time again that it is inadequate at keeping it safe from harm. So I carry it up my sleeve.  Sometimes I write it into a journal; abstract and digital, a false vulnerability.  All may view it, but unless you are amazing at code, you cannot touch it.  I quickly stuff it under my pillow as he walks into my bedroom.
Sometimes his hand will graze it in the early morning hours when he tucks his arm under my head.
I have been known to walk around with my heart in my hands, but do not let that cliche fool you, it merely allows me to stash it away quickly at any sign of danger. It's best to know where your heart is at all times.
"Don't fall." He warns me...
Like anyone wants to fall with their most precious cargo held out in front of them...

Solids and Liquids

When I put something in print, it's like that piece of me is solidified.  A snapshot taken on a particular day.  Interestingly enough, the days I write are the ones in which I am working through emotional transitions.  Like an open shutter photograph with blurred movement.  Ani Difranco put it best when she said she didn't take good pictures because she has the kind of beauty that moves.  So as people peer through my snapshots of the year past, they may see 20 different women in various states of undress.  If they run their eyes over them fast enough they may see her dance to personal victory.

I give you today a snap shot of a woman smiling.  She is cross legged on the wood floor, back straight, her face tilted up to the camera.  Her eyes are dry and her heart clear.  She has taken a moment to pause from her dance and her legs are the good kind of shaky. She is radiating gratitude.  She's grateful for the music that came into her life over the last 6 years, because it has shaped her steps, made her muscles lean and strong.  It has given her something to share and use to connect with the new people in her life.  She has remembered the good stories and no longer fears their effect on her heart.  She knows that her past dancing partner is as ever evolving as she and wishes him nothing but the best as he too moves through his own melody.  Though they will never resonate again, she hopes he has found harmony in life with others.  She has removed the greatest obstacle to compassion; fear.  Though, she happily accepts that dissonance creates character in music as well as life.

Moving forward to the parts that cannot be captured in full as of yet...I am learning to love unconditionally.  I love so many people in my life, giddy-hard-to-contain-myself-when-I'm-around-them love and deeply-relaxed-lean-into-them-love. Romantic love is no longer a looming threat on the horizon, but a billboard in the distance with peeling sun-bleached type stating the number of kilometres to the beach.

To Whoever is Reading My Eulogy...

Now someone HAS to say this at my funeral, but only because it's a meme on facebook and it would be like an inside joke between the eulogy reader and my dead-ass self. It will still be awesome many years later because most of the crowd would be like "WTF? Are we at the wrong funeral? The only couches Amber ever owned were futons or procured on big item garbage pick-up day" (I always checked for syringes, cuz I'm safe like that).  I have had extraordinary footwear though. My favourite being the glittery platform ruby red slippers I purchased with my sister in TO while visiting her at university. I like my stuff. I like it because I never got it thinking about impressing anyone but myself. It represents me, or the stage of my ever evolving self in which I brought it into my life.  Material things can be so demonized in our society.  However, perhaps all we need to ask ourselves is: Am I buying this because it makes me feel better? Or am I buying this because it represents the awesomeness that is me? 

Things I Love About Being A Lone Parent

I recently read a post about single parents pushing through.  I didn't relate to much of it.  But I liked that at the end it basically said that I was amazing.  I mean, who doesn't want to hear that?

Truth be told.  Lone parenting has been amazing for my kids and I.  I honestly do not want to find a co-parent, even if I meet a great romantic partner, I do not want them to have anything to do with my parenting.  In fact, I don't like the idea of moving in with anyone again until my kids have moved out.
What is so great about having a lower income?  Only one parent to meet your children's emotional and physical needs?  Let me list for you everything I love about Lone parenting:

1. Lower income (Yep, keep reading) our lower income has forced me to think creatively about housing situations.  I needed to think outside of the apt box.  So I decided to rent rooms.  We lived on a farm for over a month renting two large upstairs rooms, though in the end we left earlier than we thought because it wasn't a great fit, in the meantime we learned all about chickens and horses.  We even got to walk a miniature horse on a daily basis.  Now we rent two rooms in a large home (way more space and luxury than we could afford to rent if we got an apartment)  and we have a lovely and loving housemate.  Our lowered income has also focused us on what we REALLY want to spend money on vs just purchasing/doing something because we kind of like it, or it might be fun.  We are more grateful for what we have and what we do.

2. Parenting exactly the way I want to.  No explanations and no arguments. No discussions outside of my children sharing their feelings with me about my parenting and us working things out.  No having to jump in to do "damage control" when the parenting partner uses parenting techniques that I believe to be harmful.  This has freed up so much of my time and energy.

3.More time with my kids.  Before, I felt like my energy had to be split between 3 people in the home. It's still 3 it's just now one of those people I'm sharing my energy with is me. So I have way more. My kids climb into my bedroom and have a sleepover whenever and I don't have to worry about my partner having to work early the next day.  There is no sense of obligation to anyone but my children and myself.

4. Not having enough time to get everything done.  I've learned to prioritize. Health first.  I've also learned that while waiting for your bath tub to fill up you totally have enough time to wipe down the toilet and sink. The time it takes for coffee to percolate is exactly the amount of time it takes to empty a dish washer. I have also delegated responsibilties to my children.  They are amazing at it and they are learning team work and life skills.  I can see the pride in their faces when they switch over laundry and help make dinner. I've also taken a good look at what NEEDS to be done.  Priorities have been set there as well.  Learning to say "No." to some outside requests.

5.The opportunity to build community.  When you can get everything you need, in one small family unit, it's tempting not to reach beyond it and build a community.  However, being that I am in the market for a car and just learning to drive, we have needed to reach out.  I have met great people who have leant us a hand and even become family friends.  I was feeling a bit lonely, so I contacted some fellow musicians and went out to sing with them once or twice a month, it has been great for me.  I am open to meeting more people in order to keep a healthy social life.

I personally feel that Lone parenting is way easier for me than co-parenting.  This may have to do with the fact that I have what some people label as unique parenting views.  Mostly though, I think it has to do with the fact that the typical view of the nuclear family and the places of each individual therein does not appeal to me in the slightest.  Anything I put my energy into, I want to gain back.  I want to forge this path with my beautiful children, I want to do amazing things and I already have.  Single parenting does not have to be a death sentence.  It can be your ticket to life: YOUR life with no one to answer to but your kids and yourself.  Show your children how much love your little family can produce.  Show them that being single is a desired state that should not be given up lightly.

Making Space

If I want good things to come into my life, I need to make space for them.  First, in my heart, by acknowledging I deserve good things to happen to me.  Second, in my mind: getting rid of the clutter of my fearful thoughts.  Third, in my body: to keep in great shape the vessel through which I will experience all these good things which I deserve.  Fourth, in my environment: Do I want more visits from friends? I will want a tidy house and chairs to seat them... Do I want to live a simpler life? Then I will need to simplify my environment by getting rid of possessions I do not need. Do I want to travel? Then I should make my luggage easily available.  

I will set myself up to be ready for all that I want and the opportunities to have these things will present themselves.  I'm not trying to convince myself of this, I know that this is how it works.  This is how I flourished in my challenging times of leaving my last relationship.  I cleared everything negative out of my life and focused on getting free and healthy and I did. 

It's time to do that again.

Whenever I lose sight of this, Life leads me back around to people and places who remind me that anything is possible.

Thank you Life.

Now to get back to the practical work:  Cleaning out the clutter in my room and storage to make space for a simpler life and easier travel.  

Sore Fingers, Happy Heart.

Last night I picked up my guitar and I played both blissfully and clumsily.  I remembered riffs from 13 years ago, and the strange half chords I would make up to get certain sounds.  I have not picked up "the lady" as was my term of endearment for it, more than 6 times in the last 10 years.  It felt amazing. I almost started to cry because I honestly thought I would never regain full use of my hands  after my illness, in which they were weak and responded in delayed ways.

Then I sang, we sang together, the lady and I.  I began writing a song.  A song all by myself.  I did not need a co-writer and a voice inside me said, "pay attention to this... "

I put it out there I wanted to be musical and create again, I found people to do this with and they found me.  Though I have to travel 45 minutes south to get to these jam sessions, they have been pivotal in my self confidence and a source of inspiration.  I am truly grateful to be welcomed into such an open and supportive space.

My life doesn't feel "busy" anymore.  When the things I am doing and the people I am surrounded by give me a sense of fulfillment, I feel like my life expands to create space for it.  I feel like it is effortless.

I am truly grateful to my new friends who have welcomed me into their musical space with no judgement. I don't think they truly understand the positive impact it has had on my life.  

I'm Back

Last night I prayed, I prayed to be able to feel compassion again.  I sobbed and I prayed.

It takes courage and vulnerability to be compassionate.  I had built a tight wall around my heart, and began to only see others' negative feelings as warning signals, with only two choices: fix it or hide. I asked yesterday for help finding my compassion again, and I found it.  Today was such a great day with my kids, even though we were sick and tired, we did it!  We were a loving team, supportive when one of us was lagging, asking again patiently when someone had forgotten.  I didn't feel anxious or impatient with them.   I honestly could see their struggles and not take on their emotions.

I didn't realize how self-protective I had become, I just felt guilty at my lack of patience. I was going through the motions of what compassion looks like, but I wasn't really feeling it.  This opens my eyes quite a bit to the struggles of others who grew up self-protecting.  Unable to see another's negative emotions as anything other than warning signals, it took me nearly a year to get back my compassion after only 5 years of an unhealthy relationship.  Being raised in an emotionally unhealthy environment... Who knows how deep that scarring would go.

I really felt lost without it.  I felt like I was adrift in shifting emotions, grasping for this concept that once guided me entirely.  I understood it intellectually, but I just couldn't get at it.  I knew I should be compassionate, and that it was a good feeling, not this hollow guilt that arose after I snapped at my friend, son or daughter.

Once again right before a huge step forward in healing, I felt horrible, insecure and I couldn't even base it on my hormones.

I'm really looking forward to becoming my old self again, or at least that part of my old self.

Lessons Learned in the Birth Room

Something I learned in the birth room. 

It's hard to watch someone in pain.  But the pain belongs to that person, it is there for a reason, it is part of their journey and lesson.  You can let them know they are not alone, you can acknowledge their feelings, you can assist them in finding their own coping techniques, but never try to "fix" their pain or their situation. It's disempowering.  We build self confidence based on what we have accomplished for ourselves, not on what others have accomplished for us.  We need to listen to our inner voice to find our way through.  When another person steps in and tries to speak louder than our inner voice, several things happen:

1) We begin to question our inner voice's competency to help us face this situation, if this person is stepping in and telling us to do something differently then what we feel is best, we begin to think that maybe we don't really know how to help ourselves.

2)In our uncertainty we hand over our problems to this person who seems to have all the answers to our pain.

3)The person who was trying to fix it becomes overwhelmed and resentful.  Why can't this person figure this out without me?

4)The relationship (family, friend, romantic,medical care provider, support provider) breaks down, leaving the person in pain feeling more alone and very distrustful. Which leads to the person being...

5)Still in pain, less self confident and now looking for another fixer or fix it outside of themselves.

Or

Immeadiately the person in pain sees the fixer's need to get involved and puts up boundaries.

I am a fixer, or at least I was ...I'm working so hard on trying to recognize my "fix it" actions as they happen and take a step back.  I find my main reasons to fix things are these:

I am triggered by what the person is going through, it brings up my own pain and I think that if I can help them through their's maybe my pain will decrease as well. 

I think that fixing their emotional turmoil will make them treat me better.  That if I can stop their hurt, they will stop hurting me.  A defense mechanism.

I don't fool myself into thinking that I am coming from a place of wisdom, when really I am coming from a place of my own discomfort and or fear.  I have seen too much to think I am doing anyone any good as I try to tell them how to fix their problems or end their pain.  The truth is, I can't see all of their motives, fears and memories and even if I could, it's not mine and it would be like stealing for me to take away the confidence of working through something major on your own.

Mr. Sun and Mr. Wind

To the wind and the sun, no matter which tactic you choose to do it,  manipulating another person just to prove a point of who is most powerful is an ego fuelled act of disrespect. I don't care if you are elementals, grow up.

I know people who just bounce back and forth between honey and vinegar to get what they want out of people.  It really is just a need to feel in control, which is sad, because it is a symptom of feeling the opposite way: completely out of control or a complete lack of faith.  

I don't mean religious faith, although truly believing that an all loving being has sent you here for a noble purpose can allow you to release the need to control all aspects of your life and those around you.  More of like the faith that you can deal with or survive something; faith in yourself.  The kind of faith you build when you take responsibility for your actions and choose to fix them for yourself.  Not simply hand them over to someone else to take care of, or blaming others around you while you ignore or repeatedly experience the same consequences.

The last year or so I have been facing my choices, changing my life and looking some very scary things in the face.  Not only did I survive, I flourished.  It is time for me to stop ignoring certain choices that need to be made that will lead to discomfort and conflict.  It is time for me to feed myself so that bowls of honey do not attract me. I need to not fear unpleasant situations vinegar can be a very useful cleansing tool.  It's time for me to stop thinking of other's actions as all powerful in my life.  It's time for me to look up at the sky and ask "Who gives a shit about who's more powerful?  Don't you guys have more important things to do than try to make yourselves feel good by comparing yourselves to others? Also, I like this jacket, I look cool in it, so fuck off."

Head On

After years of both procrastination and inability, I finally wrote and passed my G1.  The world is opening up and if I work hard, I will be driving my kids around in a year.

This was the first time I felt like I'd use it after I wrote it.  I'm actually looking forward to my driving lessons.  There's no fear there anymore, which is a huge deal as the fear of driving hasn't left me since Konrad's mother's death in a car accident 19 years ago. This may have something to do with my self confidence rising after surviving the craziness that was my life last year.  Getting through something tough is the best confidence builder ever.

I'm not sure if I'm going to buy a car right away...as I am trying to pay down my credit card and don't want to use my line of credit.  But when I look into college courses, writing workshops etc...a vehicle may be exactly what I need to help increase my income...eventually.

I thought I would feel like partying, but really I just want to take a bath and shave my legs.  Ohh yeah, and buy lipstick, that will be my gift to myself. I will be going out for a couple of drinks with a friend later tonight, because I won't be driving home (cuz that's an option now! EEEE!).

Interdependent

So I put it out there...this need to unwind, let off steam.  Suddenly there's all these people who want to hang out and do cool things with me.  This week's looking pretty good.  I'm a hermit when I'm writing, but I need to draw from something other than my recycled thoughts. I love people, I love sharing experiences with them.

I remember when I first moved out, everything I needed came to me when I put it out there.  Then for some reason I stopped asking.  I stopped saying "hey, I need this."  I don't know why, because it clearly works.  Maybe I thought, "okay I'm good now, I can do this on my own, thanks."

I forget I never do anything completely on my own.  Ever.  Everything I do has some sort of interaction involved either before or after in order to complete it. Life is a series of interactions and relationships.  I have to stop thinking of myself as independent when I'm interdependent, we all are.  I just keep mentally separating myself from others with this idea of "making it on my own." 

I'm scared of becoming dependent on someone again.  So I try to be completely independent which is not helping my emotional state at all.  I need to recognize I need not be either.  I am a working part of a whole system, this system needs me like I need it.  I'm not talking economically, I am talking about relationships, action/reaction, give and take.  I felt very isolated for a long time, but it's time to let go of that viewpoint and open up to my community.

Goodbye Curls

There's this man in my town.  I've known him and his daughter since I moved here.  Warmth radiates off of him, you can tell he genuinely wants to make others happy.  He volunteers at the local Foodbank, he donates his time for music and art events to raise money for various local not for profits.  He was a calming presence while he produced my radio show, and he gave me an amazing hug and said just the right thing on a day that I really needed it.

He has a little girl just a bit older than my own.  You can see they have a great connection, and it's heart breaking because he has cancer.

I want to help him.  I want to support him, but I have very little money of my own.  So yesterday I saw that there are people shaving their heads and taking donations for cancer research and awareness on Feb 4th.  So I decided to do the same, but ask people to sponsor me by donating money to his medical fund instead.  If you'd like to donate to the fund click on this link: https://www.gofundme.com/qzex8wdc

Thank you.

www.gofundme.com/qzex8wdc

Halfway to Spring!

Today it got quiet, my mind wanted to go to stressful things.  But I watched my roommate walking my kids home and I realized how amazingly lucky I have been.  Things worked out so beautifully.  Yeah, I've had my emotional struggles, but it all came together in the end.

I just have to keep my focus on my goals and make sure I am taking time to rest and restore as well.  I've been dotting my i's and crossing my t's.  I've been diligently paying off debts and I'm genuinely excited about what my future holds: a driver's license and travel as well as workshops and courses to improve my writing.  My life is going to be MINE and fabulous.

In a few days I will be able to really dive into my part in an upcoming fundraiser.  I love sales, when I am selling something I believe in.  I'll be selling sponsorships in the form of silent auction items and other advertising opportunities for an event supporting The Children's Foundation of Muskoka.  A truly great organization that financially assists low income families with registering their children in music/art/sports programs.  This kind of work is my favourite. :).

I have been making new friends, planning art adventures and doing a crazy push up challenge.  However tonight, I will be lounging in the bathtub, reading a book and resting my soul.

Dinner With A Friend

I have this great friend, she is honest, open, and has a great sense of humour when it comes to our human faults, or as she would have me call them, opportunities for growth.  We laugh at the recognition of our egos flaring in situations, she is wonderful at helping you see situations from a larger perspective.  She also doesn't shy away from harsh truths.  She delivers them with compassion, but delivers them none the less.

I told her about my fears, about my boundary issues.  I referred to them as symptoms of my damage.
"Sweetheart," she said looking me in the eye."language matters, damage is the word of a victim, you are not a victim, you are a survivor.  You aren't damaged, you are facing an opportunity for growth."

If you find a friend who can look you in the eye, tell you a hard truth and uplift you at the same time. Cherish that person.  They are priceless.

The First of Many

Dear sweet girl,

As we look at training bras and I see your awkwardness around boys, I know we need to have the talk.  Not the sex talk because your mother having the career that she did you know all about where babies come from.  I'm talking about the relationship talk, the self respect talk, the you are amazing and don't you ever let a romantic partner tell you otherwise, talk.  The please don't make the same mistakes as me, talk. I know I can't guarantee you won't get hurt in love but I can help you reduce the risk of becoming damaged.

Here's the trick, build up your self esteem to the point that you can set and enforce healthy boundaries, this way you can keep those at a safe distance who would normally lower your self esteem.  By that I mean do things you love.  Dress the way that makes you feel good, join activities you enjoy and spend time by yourself just enjoying your own company.  Become your own best friend.  If you see yourself as worthy of protection from harmful things it will be easier for you to enforce your boundaries.

If  a person slips through those boundaries and you begin to feel your self esteem lowering, or warning signs appear, spend time with those that genuinely love you. Keep your friends close, maintain your relationships with them. Do the things that make you feel good about yourself until your self esteem is back up to the point you can create and enforce healthy boundaries to push that person out of your life.

If this person does not respect your boundaries go to someone in a position of authority to help you enforce them.

If you feel horrible about yourself, get outside help.  Your self esteem may be too low for you to recognize that you don't deserve negative treatment.  An outside viewpoint may be exactly what you
need.

Remember you are worthy of love and respect.  You are worthy of happiness.

Mick Jagger Told My Fortune

As the full moon grows, I am becoming acutely aware of my intensions, my goals.  What do I want to focus on?  I wrote a prayer, that I be able to find and accept love when I am ready for it.  I said it repeatedly aloud, with my eyelids clenched tight (I think this makes my prayers more effective, could be a raised Catholic thing) then I looked at an oracle card, (not a raised Catholic thing) it told me that I can't always get what I want, but I will get what I need.  So of course I had to read it again, but in Mick Jagger's voice.  I had several offers to do really fun things this weekend.  I could have made them happen.  But something inside of me is telling me to keep it low key.  That these things are going to pull me away from my path.  Now is the time to focus, not party.  It is time for me to invest in what makes me warm and safe.  It is time to walk the path of my goals.  Which means staying home and studying, reinvesting in proven friendships, excersize, stretch, eat well, wrap myself in blankets and if I do go out, don't stay out late.

I think I'm entering a social hibernation of sorts.  My room finally feels homelike.  I don't really want to leave it at night.  I have proven to myself that I can go out, be social and enjoy it.  I always try to face my fears, so that one has been looked in the eye many times.  I'm not scared of being alone or lacking in entertainment.  I no longer feel the need to distract myself from uncomfortable emotions.

So tonight as I lit some candles and set my intensions for the next cycle, I noticed that I no longer had use for that prayer, infact, love would distract me from the goals I was trying to obtain.  I simply do not have the space for it right now.  I don't think I have ever felt that way my entire life.  Have I been scared of love? Oh yes. However, honestly feeling that it is completely unnecessary, that I simply love where I am going, who I am becoming, so much, that I don't want a relationship?  Not since before I was a teenager, maybe even before that.

This was a monumentous occasion.  So I celebrated with another round of G1 testing on the Internet.
Now I shall lie down on my luxurious camping mat, covered in warm blankets staring out of my huge
bay window at the full moon.  My life is going to be full of travel, adventure, writing, art and family and I am doing everything that needs to be done right now to make that happen.  Even the sky is no limit.

Happy Birthday, I'm a Mutant

So this birthday was something new, something I haven't had in a long time.  This birthday had friends.  Plus it was a surprise party.  Love the ladies around me who organized this and somehow managed to involve my kiddos (who didn't spill the beans).

I read today that this is Neil Gaiman's wedding anniversary.  I think I should contact him and see if we can merge our celebrations next year. What d'ya think?

I was going to go into this ghost of birthdays past thing... but nope.  Moving forward.

Now I have a fridge full of snack food, a week off work and the kids' father is not taking them for 6 days, so more time with them.  Looking forward to reintroducing our home education routine slowly and with lots of cuddles.

So, there will be no reflections today, no lessons or inner discoveries.  Just me eating cake, salsa dancing next to my friend and drinking my mutant poison.  Oh didn't I tell you?  Alcohol proves I'm a mutant because it turns mutants' faces red.  I read it on the Internet so it must be true.  I was kinda hoping my mutant ability would be something cool, like being able to cook ravioli in a can just using my mind, but instead it's being able to look incredibly embarrassed despite NOT being embarrassed.  When I'm out crime fighting I like to keep the bad guys guessing:  Is she embarrassed? Is she not embarrassed?  How will we ever truly know??? Then in the confusion my fellow mutants can mount a surprise attack.   Problem is my body actually breaks alcohol down into a mild poison, so the very essence that makes my incredible mutant power possible is also slowly killing me... ( or making me nauseous and giving me headaches before an actual hangover would appear.).  Yet, I choose to use my mutant powers for the good of all, despite the horrible toll it takes on my body.  Because I'm a hero like that.